Friday, November 7, 2008

Today, my husband let me know that he is still grieving. 3 years ago, I had 2 miscarriages in 3 months. I should have known how hard it would hit J, because he was so excited. We weren't really on great terms with his parents at the time, but he told them right away. He told everyone right away. I was already 35, and was more cautious. We lost the first baby on Father's Day. It was devastating for me, but not debilitating. For J, it was just something to suppress. I cried for 3 days. J objected when I took the third day off work - and the fourth day too. He told me I should be over it. Then, I was hurt. Today, 3 years later, I can accept that he did not know what to do or how to grieve. It still hurts him and that surprises him.

He is still afraid that he will somehow lose our daughter. When she was conceived, I was determined that not only would she survive the toxic environment that is my body, she would be whole and healthy and have her father's metabolism. I would do anything to ensure that she would come into the world. So, I have confidence that things are good now, and I am here to protect her. J thinks she is an angel that he is not worthy of having in his life, and she will be taken from him. Fear is an insidious thing, and it just doesn't want to go away.

In spite of all this, I want a sibling for S. She is precious, and I am lucky to have her, but I don't want her to be alone in the world when her father and I are gone. Now, I just have to convince her father that it will work. I guess I'm here to vent my doubts, spew my history, and express random thoughts about whatever crosses my mind.

The title of my blog comes from my latest favorite response to the idiocy of others - it's a nice clean way to say WTF??!!!! in front of my daughter. Oddly enough, that is also the first four word sentence that she absorbed, and she says it all the time. Guess I shouldn't have explained its usage to her...she's too smart for my own good.

1 comment:

  1. I love the name of your blog and it's one of my favorite phrases. I bet it's adorable coming from a 2 y/o.