What is wrong with them?

 Dear John,

This is the response I get from your daughter every time I tell her about what one or more of your sisters did this time.  I am so irate about this that I was texting with your brother's wife about it half of yesterday and then again for a couple hours this morning.  

To set the scene: SIL volunteers for a veterans-related charity that puts on concerts over 2 days at the local park in your hometown every year.  This charity raises money to give direct help to veterans who need money for things like electric bills or mobility aids or tree removal or anything else.  I never go to the concerts but they get decent acts.  Last year they had Bob Dylan's son's band...they sing One Headlight...can't think of the name right now, don't care enough to google.  They keep it to people who have a draw but not a big enough one to overwhelm the town.  Friday night is always country; Saturday is rock.  

As you know, veterans have a higher than average rate of suicide, so one of the weekend events every year is a suicide awareness walk.  I have not yet been able to drag myself down there for this, but after this, I think I will go this year.  Anyway, as a promotion for the suicide awareness walk, SIL made a video talking about how personal this walk will be for her this year, as she lost her husband M to suicide.  I was glad she made the video, and I thought she was brave to do it.  It was posted Wednesday night.

On Thursday, SIL sent me a text of screenshots from your 3rd sister, K's, Facebook page, from which both SIL and I are blocked.  There was a novelette about how she couldn't watch the video but her friends were horrified and gave her summaries.  How your family has had to watch nonsense and narcissistic posts over the past few months that nauseate them.  How they don't post about their immense grief and sadness, because they're private people...as your brother was.  How the charity has now put his death on blast..,,,drawing attention to his death more than the life he led.  How he was not a veteran or a volunteer and his death should not be used as a way to draw attention to the charity's event.  Then she proceeded to quote the county sheriff's incident report suggesting that SIL knew that M was having suicidal ideation and did not do anything about it.  How she didn't call family.  She didn't call your brother-in-law, who's a doctor.  She didn't call his best friend.  He wasn't taken to the hospital or offered medical attention and no firearms were removed from the home.  She rounded it out with "What I wouldn't give to have received a phone call alerting me to his crisis before it was too late.  We carry the pain everyday that we were not given the opportunity to help him or save him.  His death was preventable and M deserved so much more..."

I'm not sure which part of the above bullshit made me the most angry, but it was secondary to the part where she said that when your dad died 15 years ago, M took the lead of your family.  The fucking nerve of that little bitch to completely erase you makes me so violently angry that she's lucky she's not in front of me right now.  Where were they when your mom needed a new roof, and new gutters, and a new HVAC system?  Where were they when your sister S's husband was going to redo your mom's kitchen and you spent an entire day tiling the backsplash because "Oh, he was only going to get her new countertops." (Big fucking surprise that that asshole went back on what he promised to do.)  Where were they when she fell down the stairs and then took too much medication and ended up confused and out of it in the hospital?  Did any of them take her home?  Did any of them live up to their promise to stay with her while she recovered when we took her back home after staying with us for a few days?  Who set up the schedule?  And then who flaked out on it?  Motherfucking assholes.  Not to be mean, but it certainly wasn't M.  Who were you fighting with when you said that your mom was getting too old to provide daycare for people's kids any more?  Oh, right, that was K and M.  

I guess the second most enraging thing about that egregious load of self-absorbed drivel is that K blames SIL for not calling her to come save the day.   I saw your brother maybe twice after your death.  One was at his house at Easter 2022 or 2023.  I don't think he said anything more than Hi to me that day...which was unusual.  We'd usually chat for a little bit at every holiday.  But I was in a weird place due to your death, so that may have been on me.  The second time I saw him was at our daughter's grad party, one year before his death.  I could immediately see that something was different about him.  His hair had gone almost totally gray, so that was one thing.  But he was restless and uncomfortable...and they came at a completely different time from the rest of your family.  When I talked to SIL about 6 weeks later, we were talking about how he was withdrawn and starting to act like you.  And we talked about trying to get him to talk to someone and what she was doing to try to help.  So, I have to wonder...how could I, someone who saw your brother twice in 4 years and barely talked to him, see how he was at a low point in life, while your sister, who is implying that they had a close relationship, had no idea?

So, that's the nail in the coffin for me.  I won't be interacting with your family ever again.  I won't be able to do anything but tell them that they're self-absorbed jagoffs who should really look in the mirror once in a while.  But I will probably go to the walk next weekend.  And maybe I will say a few word about how the post is part of the reason people follow through on their suicidal thought - being forced to hide your pain only lets it balloon until it explodes.  

When I was texting SIL today, I told her that I wanted to send a message to your family group chat refuting everything in that post.  I was angrily composing things in my head, and you were on my shoulder whispering "don't bother.  Let karma take care of it.  Nothing you say will make a difference."  It's been a bit since you were actively advising me on anything, so it was nice to feel you with me.  Even if I was enraged.  Instead of texting the group chat, SIL and I discussed the many different ways in which karma has already come for your sisters.  

I did, however, suggest to SIL that she contact her more confrontational friends who aren't blocked by your sister to comment on the post with things like:

Your brother-in-law is an anesthesiologist.  What was he going to do for M's mental health?  Put him to sleep? and Why didn't you notice his stress when you were in contact after the house fire, K?  Is it because you couldn't be bothered to call and see how he was doing?  and For someone who's so "private," that's an awfully long diatribe hating on a woman who lost her husband.  and something inspired by your actions: Are you OK?  You sound unstable.  And with your family history...

In related news, I had to go to the dentist this week.  Our regular hygienist is out on medical leave for carpal tunnel surgery.  S had a make-up appointment in July, and was complaining that whoever cleaned her teeth was so rough that her entire mouth hurt.  Our usual girl is absolutely the most gentle but thorough hygienist on the planet.  I had someone different - as it turns out. the lady I had is the mom of the dude who runs the charity your SIL is involved with as well as the grandmother of your niece's close friend.  She was almost as good as our regular hygienist, except for the part where she was polishing my gums with the tool instead of my tooth.  But other than that, I didn't leave with sore gums and teeth that felt loose, so I'll call it a win.  After that, I went to Costco, where I bought some hydrangeas for your grave.  They were pretty.  I hope the deer enjoyed eating them.  

Your daughter started her second year of school.  She still claims to hate it, but seems to be settling in OK.  She's currently trying to test for mold in her apartment.  She likes having the car at school.  She got a job at Chik FilA (my sister would be pissed, but we don't need to tell her that yet another niece is working for the homophobic company.  It's convenient, and S likes the food there...and they give her a free meal every shift.)  She's pledging the premed/bio groups again, and they remember her.  She's having a good time with her boyfriend.  I have no idea if they're having sex, but it's really not my business, I guess.  She does sleep over with him a lot.  She's training him to be a suitable husband someday.  He's a good kid though.  

I wish you were here to laugh with me about this crap instead of letting it make me mad.  

That's about all I have to relate.  Dogs are driving me nuts.  I have no trips planned until next spring break when we're going to London and Paris.  Then in May, we're going to the military hotel in Honolulu.  I like Hawaii.  Other than that...not much going on.

Love you and miss you,

A

Vacation time

 Dear John,

I took your daughter on a trip to Maui to reward her for surviving her first year of college.  Before we left, we were getting into little spats.  It's an adjustment to being at home together again.  She has the expectations of an only child who is always the center of attention.  I have the behavior of a loner who is used to pleasing myself.  That's not a great combination.  I guess we worked it out.  I'm not entirely sure - it was shelved during vacation, at least, and she has not yet returned (we flew in and out of Chicago, so she stayed for another week with her boyfriend's family).  She'll be back next week - we'll see how things go.  I'm already disappointing her, as I have made plans to go to a concert with my friend, and will then have to rush home to help her move in to school.  I dared to make suggestions that she didn't like, so it will probably still be a problem.  Oh well - we'll figure it out. 

I'm planning on giving her the newer car and then trading in the 10 year old one once I figure out what I want.  She wants to take a car to school. So when I jokingly said I wouldn't need to go to college with her since she will be able to fit all her stuff in the car without me...she got upset.  Then when I said I was going to the concert, I said I could meet her there on the way back home.  She didn't like that either.  Sigh.  

Anyway, back to Maui - we saw a lot of beautiful scenery.  The Road to Hana is a very scenic but very scary 2(ish) lane road with a lot of single lane bridges and many, many, many curves as well and rises and drops.  Everyone finds it a challenging drive.  I thought, after Route 1 in California, it wasn't terrible.  We got to see some absolutely gorgeous views. S wanted to stop and cuddle some Highland cows, but felt like it wasn't totally ethical, so we skipped it.  I thought we should have gone because cows will definitely let you know if they are not interested.  We were going to go see the sunset at Haleakala and maybe do some stargazing afterwards.  But my sister and her husband said we needed to do the sunrise and then bike down the mountain.  Turns out that biking down a mountain when you're not a fan of heights is NOT the best experience.  Then, once we got down off the mountain...it started raining.  We should have just stopped in the town and had a snack or something, but your daughter just wanted to keep going.  We were pretty soaked when we got back (we were the first ones in).  We also did a snorkel trip.  The instructions were on the landing page for the trip, but not in any of the emails, so we were almost too late.  A couple snarky comments from the captain, but other than that, it was a fun day.  We got to see a lot of fish, and there was a good tour guide telling us what kind of fish they were.  

Aside from that, S spent a lot of time tanning.  We went to a fruit food truck, which was fun.  We stayed in a condo, so we bought some groceries and dined in most of the time.  There were things I wanted to do that she didn't, which gets on my nerves.  But I don't want to fight on vacation.  I did not get to the Aquarium, but I did walk to the mall when she decided she didn't want to go.  It was a good long walk, and I got to see a bright rainbow on my way back.  I also saw the black rock that people jump off of, but I was distracted by a boat that was docked and loading there, so I didn't actually realize.  Your daughter took me horseback riding for Mother's Day and my birthday.  It was a delightful ride, although she should have been riding Mick Fleetwood, as she listens to Fleetwood Mac more than I do.  She had Spirit, who was not very cooperative.

While we were there, I got some texts from your brother's wife.  It seems several of your sisters, as well as your mother, were harassing her to ask her for things of your brother's that belonged to your father.  Then they were asking her why she didn't get help for him, or call 911 when he was suicidal, or if they were arguing.  They got her angry enough that 1) her dad said he wanted all their numbers to tell them to fuck off (her dad, who is like your dad and doesn't talk a whole lot, sat in the back of the church for the entire funeral, and generally seems to pretty much keep to himself) and 2) she told them that she was taking a step back from them because she couldn't believe they would do that to someone who was grieving.  She told them that she'd get the stuff to them when she can get at it, as her whole house is stuffed into the garage due to the fire.  She landed some solid blows - I think she's been holding back for a while.  She said that you had once asked your brother if he thought the family would take care of her and (at the time, before your nephew came along) your niece if something happened to him.  I guess we all know the answer to that now.  Disappointing but not surprising.  

Anyway, that was the most expensive vacation I have ever taken - the dogs were in boarding for 11 days because we went to my niece's graduation before we left.  Then the flights/condo/rental car were all very expensive as well.  But it may be the only vacation I take this year (unless we go to Ireland for Christmas).  I think it was worth it.  Maui was incredibly beautiful.  Your daughter enjoyed herself.  It was relaxing.  I wish you had been there with us - you would have loved it all.  It would have suited your sense of adventure, and your love of nature.  So many things S and I do, and I always wish you were there to enjoy it too.  I think, tomorrow, I will look at the pictures of the one real vacation we did take to California.  We had a great time, once you got your irritation over my lack of moment-by-moment planning out of the way.  You were actually able to go with the flow.  I think that was the only time.

Love,

A

I don't even know what to say.

 Dear John,

On Monday, your brother decided to follow in your footsteps and shot himself in the woods behind his house.  I don't know why.  I do know that last year, when we saw his wife in the summer - a few weeks after he had been at S's graduation party - she said he was starting to act like you.  He was withdrawing from things and seemed depressed.  I don't know what happened, but I imagine the house fire was not a help.  

When his wife sent me the text, I thought it was some kind of dumb accident.  It took me a full minute to understand what she meant.  I've been terribly upset about this - more than I would have expected.  I mean, I knew him for 25 years.  But we weren't close.  I wish you guys had been able to talk about deeper things.  I know he absolutely valued your advice.  I know you enjoyed his company.  He was lively and fun and sweet.  And I'm still sad.

I've been trying to help his wife with the adjustment.  I warned her about sticker shock at the funeral home.  She asked me about clothing and whether it was weird that she didn't want to see him.  I said that it wasn't weird - I didn't know what she saw and it would serve no purpose to replace her memories of him alive with memories of him dead.  She told me a little about what happened.  She had decided on a closed casket, but apparently that was not clearly understood by the funeral home.  When we arrived at the church, your youngest sister was supervising the closing of the casket.  

Your sisters are torn up, of course.  And your mom - although she seemed almost resigned.  I can't even imagine.  His daughter had a little breakdown on the way out of church, and S was helpful in calming her down.  She rode with us to the cemetery.  They chose a cemetery near their house, and I was surprised that it is not a Catholic cemetery.  It's small and pretty, and his grave is at the very edge of the woods.  It was quiet and pleasant, filled with birdsong and the rustling of the leaves.  He will be happy to rest there.  

I don't think his son really knows what's going on.  That's probably good.  I will try to help your brother's wife further - she apparently let your brother handle all the finances without really being informed.  I would never have relinquished that much control.  But then I forgot that they were together since she got out of high school.  I don't think she ever lived on her own.  

I think she'll probably get married again.  She's only 41 or 42.  He was only 48.  What a mess.  Every time I think about it, I want to start crying again.  

Your daughter is a great kid - it is finals week, and she still had me come get her so she could attend the funeral.  I spent the whole day in the car yesterday.  I am exhausted - your 2nd youngest sister's cop friends (one who was a detective that we worked with) bought lunch for the family today.  I sort of wanted to go, but I was just too tired.  

And, as usual for me, I made an awkward comment during the visitation.  Here's hoping your sister didn't pay that much attention.  (I said I was triggered.  At the funeral of someone who shot himself.  Ugh.  I am terrible.) I talked to a couple of your friends while I was there too.  It was nice to see them.  

So, that's what's up this week.  It sucks.

Love, 

A

Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm bad luck

 Dear John,

I swear, I am going to stop texting your family.  The last few times I have done so, someone lets me know that something bad has happened.  First, your niece was hospitalized.  Then your sister broke her arm or her shoulder.  This time, I texted your brother's wife to offer to make tiramisu for their Easter celebration.  She wrote back to let me know that they had just experienced a house fire.  I guess there was maybe an electrical fire above their main bathroom.  The ceiling is all gone and they have no electricity, and apparently everything smells like smoke.  She seems like she still wants to have that Easter party, since she already has the ham.  

I saw on FB that they are looking for a house to rent.  My better nature (which you would definitely discourage) suggested that I offer to house them until their house is repaired.  Not very practical, since the kids' school is 30 miles away.  Then I thought...they could move in to your mom's and she could come and stay with me.  Fortunately, I am getting better about making impulsive offers that I hope people say no to.  Besides, I'm sure they can afford to rent somewhere while the house is fixed.

Your daughter is irritated by her college curriculum.  She is offended that her 3 lectures and 2 labs consisting of 21 hours of weekly attendance is only worth 14 credit hours.  She says she's going to take 9 hours of online classes this summer.  We'll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, I think I may have the heart ablation surgery this summer.  I've kind of tired of the stupid SVT episodes.  I bought a smart watch to track my heart rate, but as usual...it can't admit that my heart is racing.  At least it harasses me to get off my ass every few hours.  The only problem is that the surgery didn't work for my sister, and I'm not sure whether that's going to be a genetic thing or random thing.  They don't seem to know much about this whole nonsense.  Any time I ask questions, the answers are unsatisfying.  They sort of know the mechanism, but they definitely do not know the cause or triggers.  Nor are they interested in finding out.  Modern medicine, man.  Great for some things, terrible for most.  Anyway, having your heart race for an extended period of time is painful.  

I had to restrain my inner boomer last weekend.  The new neighbors in Norman's house were planting arbor vitaes along the fence line.  Not sure why they think that's necessary due to the line of white pines we've got, but whatever.  While they were out there, I wanted to go out and offer "help" - they needed a second spade, and they didn't water the trees in.  But again...restraining those impulses!  I stayed in my own lane.  We'll see if the trees make it - it was nice and rainy a couple days this week.  

As I was walking the dogs (to redirect my attention, as well as the dogs', since they did not appreciate all that activity out there), though, I was thinking that we must have planted over 50 or 60 trees in the last 20 years.  From white pines, to spruces, to dogwoods, Japanese maples, a Gingko, a red bud, arbor vitaes, an ornamental cherry - lots and lots of trees.  Of course, several of them didn't make it - soil issues, galls, the ones you singed by burning the prairie grass, but a lot of them are still kicking.  So I feel like I'm doing a decent amount to aid our carbon footprint.  That doesn't even count the bushes and other plants we've put in.  I've added a bunch of bulbs, 3 peonies (2 of which were immediately dug up by something), an American lilac, a boxwood (or something - I can't remember.  Again, I planted 3 and 1 survived) since you've been gone.  When I see what pops up in the new bed, I'll get some photos.  I got crocuses so far, and daffodils.  The other bulbs are tulips and alliums.  When I can get rid of all that stupid grass and get the patio and retaining wall under the deck redone, I think I'll put some more lilacs in front of the deck.  I guess I should probably get the deck itself redone.  The rails are pretty dried out, so they'll need to be replaced.  It would be easier for someone to redo the deck and do the patio and retaining wall all at once.  But I don't want to spend the ridiculous amount of money that will cost.  Sigh.  

Next weekend is Mom's weekend at S's school.  I reserved a hotel for the wrong weekend, because the website had bad information.  Now I have to stay 20 miles away, and S is worried that it's sketchy.  I'm sure it's fine - I stop there for gas almost every time I go up there.  Plus, I've stayed all over the place on my own.  I think I'll be offended that she doesn't think I can handle myself.  Anyway, there don't seem to be any major events for the weekend.  We have to go to the bar.  There's apparently a craft fair.  But I don't think there's much else unless you belong to the mom's association, which I definitely do not.  Maybe I should look that up.

Beyond that, I've got the cardiologist and electrocardiologist next week.  I'm going to see Project Hail Mary with a former coworker (Ugh - why did I respond to that text?!  Also, I'm not really that into the book.)  Then Mom's Weekend.  Then a wedding.  I'm going to see some Christian concert for my friend's birthday.  Her husband seems really worried that we're not her friends or something because he keeps paying for outings for us like we wouldn't do it otherwise.  He bought us all gift cards for pedicures for Christmas, and now the concert.  On the other hand, whenever I attempt to make plans for our group, it doesn't turn out well.  Once, when I made plans to see U2, there was a riot (due to an unpopular judicial opinion) and the concert was cancelled.  Then, last year, I planned for us to see Simple Minds with Modern English and Soft Cell and the entire amphitheater was EMPTY.  There were maybe 200 people there.  So I only make plans for myself now.  I'll let S (or, apparently H's husband) take care of it.  I did buy myself a ticket to see Spamalot.  I've always wanted to go.  Then my niece's college graduation, another wedding, and hopefully some kind of vacation.  I wanted to take S on a road trip to Yellowstone, but since we're having a fucking war interrupting the oil industry, that may be off the table.  We'll see how expensive gas gets this summer. Dumb ass motherfucker who thinks he can do whatever he wants with no repercussions - you would be irate.  *DEEP BREATHS*

Missing you as always,

A

Happy Birthday

Dear John,

Tomorrow would be your 55th birthday.  It's the first year I didn't get a cookie cake in your honor.  I have your favorite chocolate chip cookies in the freezer - I made them for S before she went back to school.  I did get some eclairs though. They don't compare to your mom's cream puffs. Due to the expected weather, I went and put flowers on your grave last week.  Plus, the guy is coming to clean the fireplace tomorrow.  I hope.  

It's been super cold, so I have missed the fireplace.  The heat is fine, but it wakes me up every time it goes on.  On top of that, it snowed about 10 inches.  That's fun.  The snowplow took out the asshole neighbor's mailbox.  Remember when the snowplow hit ours?  They had a temporary one up before we even noticed and had repaired and reinstalled ours before the week was over.  I don't think they're going to do that this time - the current staff at the street department are nepotism hires and they're terrible.

Not sure why the picture is in that orientation.  Anyway, I survived another snowstorm without having a heart attack from shoveling.  Yay, me!  Our neighbor 2 doors down used his snowblower on the driveway, and the cold meant the snow was very dry and light, so it wasn't terrible.  I was actually using the leaf blower yesterday.

I know you would tell me it serves me right and dogs aren't worth it, but one of the boys has had major eye problems over the last couple weeks.  He got an ulcer on his eye, which was infected.  Then it cratered.  Then it ruptured.  Poor guy is totally blind now.  The vet wants to take it out, but he might not survive surgery and anesthesia might cause other problems.  But the dog is resilient, and so the rupture healed over, and now we'll just wait and see what happens to it.  

I've been selling some silver.  The world is so crazy that silver actually hit $100 the other day.  I should probably sell more but I fear the dollar will devalue and then I'll be broke.  I think you would be appalled at all the things that our government is doing right now.  But I am glad (sort of) that I don't have to hold you back from acting.  OTOH, I feel like you'd have been able to implement all of my terrible ideas.  Ah well, better that you don't have the stress of the volatility.  I hope it's nice and non-violent wherever you are.

There's a Robin Williams special on HBO - I was going to watch it today but didn't quite feel up to it.  I still have your picture with him hanging in our bedroom, even though looking at it sometimes reminds me of how you both died.  

Well, off to bed.  I'm exhausted. Wish you were here for warm snuggles and a birthday celebration tomorrow.

Love,

A

Mixed bag

 Dear John,

Last night, I was lying in bed, listening to an intermittent high-pitched, low volume whine.  It was driving me nuts.  I got up to find the source, because I was pretty sure it wasn't in my head.  I thought it might have been the refrigerator - it makes a lot of noises.  I got up to check, and that wasn't it.  I finally narrowed it down - it was the block for my phone charger.  I was really feeling bad about it, because your ears were constantly ringing (though the Army refused to acknowledge it) and wondered if I had contributed to your pain inadvertently.  Then I remembered that I just rearranged the bedroom and plugged the charger into a different outlet.  Previously, I would hear that once in a great while.  So it probably wasn't as bad as all that.  But still - I was not trying to make anything worse for you.

Today, however, I decided that what I really need to do is dig you up and reanimate you so I can kill you again.  I am so irritated with you right now!

Before S was born, I had a convertible.  While we were building the house, we lived in an apartment, and the garage was full of all our furniture from our previous house that we couldn't fit in the apartment.  So I had to park the car on the street, and then I had a car cover for the convertible.  It was about 6 years old then and had never lived outside the garage.  When we first started thinking about a baby, we traded the convertible in on a new Maxima.  You had always wanted one.  I liked it - 300 hp, comfortable, silver so it never looked dirty.  It was great.  

After S was born, you were on a cleaning rampage, and you were a big Craigslist user.  We got so many things from Craigslist and sold quite a bit too.  One of the things we decided to sell was the car cover.  A man came over to buy it, and we started talking to him.  We were discussing how we would play music for the baby at nap time.  It turned out that he was a music producer, and he came back later with some CDs.  One of the CDs was an Arvo Part CD.  I had no idea who he was, but we enjoyed the music.  A few years later, we were doing another cleanout, and I sold my CD player/stereo system at a garage sale.  A few months later, I found the Arvo Part CD case, with no CD, and you blamed me for leaving it in the CD player when I sold it.  You were all kinds of mad about it because you enjoyed it too.

This morning, I went downstairs to paint and turned on the stereo system.  I went over to the CD collection to find something to listen to while I painted.  I couldn't find anything I wanted in the left hand shelves, but I grabbed one of those travel CD sleeves we had where you could put your CDs in without the bulky cases and started flipping through.  About 2/3 of the way through, what do I find but the Arvo Part CD. :/  So all that time blaming me, and you were the one who relocated it to a mystery location.  ARGHHH!  But I listened to it today - it was nice.  Still wanna kill you though, despite the music being Da Pacem.

Aside from that, I had to send your daughter a bunch of warm clothes because she's freezing at school.  Her not-boyfriend took them up.  She then was asking me if she should have broken up with him before she left for school.  Sometimes, she's a dummy, because the answer was OF COURSE.  I got a bunch of baseball cards graded - none of them are worth much of anything.  I have one more group to send.  I probably need to send them soon, because I don't know that people will continue to have disposable income for much longer.  I am going to sell some of your silver, though.  It's at almost $50 an ounce, so you would be very pleased about that.  Off the check the spot price to see if I will get that done tomorrow.

Love,

A

I'm supposed to be reading

 Dear John,

My book is due at the library tomorrow, so I need to finish it.  But instead, here I am writing a note to you.  

First, the dog.  Poor Eddie is 13 and having a really rough year.  He got attacked by the neighbor's dog.  Then he got diabetes.  Then his cataracts bloomed and he lost vision practically overnight.  Now he's got glaucoma in one eye.  That dog is costing me a ton of money, which is why you would never have approved of having one.  I felt so bad for him when it became obvious that he couldn't see.  Then, with the glaucoma, the vet said it may come down to removing his eye.  I don't want that to happen - he has spent all of his time watching me since I got him, and it would be the most difficult thing for him to lose one of his big brown eyes.  So far, the medicine is working, though, so I hope it will be stable enough.  Meanwhile, he can't see, and apparently has no memory of the floor plan, so he's wandering around bumping into things.  It's so sad.  I ordered him an apparatus to help him detect when he's close to the walls and stuff, but I suspect he'll hate it.

Second, it's time to rearrange the bedroom.  There was an incident this evening and it involved a cricket (trigger warning for my friend Mel who hates crickets).  I was going into the bedroom and I saw something black on the floor right by the door.  So I turned the light on to see what it was.  It was a cricket.  This is about the 3rd one I've seen in the house this year.  I retreated to the kitchen to grab a paper towel to grab the cricket and smash it.  I went back, grabbed, smashed, checked the paper towel for cricket remains, and there were none.  So, I closed the door to see if it was behind there.  Your mom gave me some maps of Iraq that your dad made when you were stationed there the first time (I wonder if he was supposed to take those home with him - one would think they were being used in the conflict at the time.  But I don't know how Defense Mapping worked, so maybe it was fine?) - I kept them behind the door.  I moved the maps, and the cricket was there.  Along with a companion.  They were very slow crickets, so I was able to smash and grab them both.  But I saw the dust on the baseboard, and now I have to move everything and clean it thoroughly.  So I might as well rearrange things.  It's been the same way for 20 years, so it's probably time for a change.  The dog is going to be confused.  

Third, your daughter asked me to visit your grave and leave flowers for you.  She was pretty pleased when I made 2 bouquets from the one I bought - one was her school's colors; the other was the remaining flowers.  Not sure what was behind her request, but I was happy to accommodate her.  And you should also be subjected to all the school spirit stuff that she's very into right now.   On the school front, she's finally adjusting to being there.  She's getting good grades.  But the big news is that after not even 2 months, she's decided to rent an apartment with her friends.  I don't know how that will work out for her.  I told her that I would give her as much as I'm paying for her room and board this year.  Anything above that will be her problem.  (Anything less will be refunded to me.  😂😂😂)  I guess it will be good for her.  It will definitely be more space.  She'll have to learn to feed herself.  She'll get more privacy.  I told her to reach out to one of your sisters - she laughed at me because we really don't talk to that sister (K) much.  But K had some crazy roommates in college, so she would be a good resource.

Fourth, I started a pollinator garden.  The dead pine tree got removed, and the grass they planted was a terrible mix of things that mostly appear to be crabgrass.  There were a lot of bare spots.  So, I decided I'm going to throw a bunch of wildflower seeds out and see what pops up.  I got some fake rock edging - I wanted real stone, but since all the electric and cable wires run through there, I didn't want to dig.  I don't know how it will hold up.  Maybe by the time the plastic wears out, it will be S's problem.  I bought some milkweed and other wildflower seeds from LiveMonarch.com.  I hope we'll eventually get some Monarchs to stop by and maybe drop some eggs.  I also took out all the seeds we collected over the years.  I put most of them in the dirt, so I hope they will sprout in the spring.  But I have some that I will plant in seed starter and transplant out there next spring.  It will be a project.  It was good for me to haul all that dirt, though.  Enforced exercise.  S's boyfriend is supposed to come by with a chainsaw this weekend.  The cherry tree in back has some dead limbs that are a little too big for the sawzall.  I cleaned up the flower beds in front a little too.  I really need to move to condo where yard work is someone else's problem.  But I'm too cheap to pay monthly HOA fees.  Sigh...

Aside from that, not much else is going on.  I'm transferring Super 8 movies to digital files.  I've made it to 1968, so I have a couple more years to go.  The fam seems to be enjoying the things I've posted on FB.  We had a lively discussion about the dogs we had over the years today too, as a result of things I saw on one of the films.  No idea what's going on with your family.  I guess I'd better get back to my book.  I've got quite a bit to finish before tomorrow.

Love,

A