Strength

 Dear John,

Why does everyone think that I am physically weak?  I mean...people generally know that I am smart and capable, and therefore "strong."  And I know that my size reads child rather than adult.  But forever, everyone sees me lifting things and runs to take it from me.  Not you, of course - you would make fun of me for not carrying more blocks.  But I'd be hauling around retaining wall stones for you, and bags of dirt or mulch.  If your mom saw me, she, who used to be an inch or two taller than me, would try to take the item from me like I wasn't able to carry it.  I don't think I've ever had to put my suitcase in the overhead bin on an airplane.  It's really weird to me.

Anyway, this came up yesterday, because I was trying to pull the stove out to clean behind it.  I haven't done it since you've been gone, and I think it was almost a year before that.  I was trying to lift up the front legs to slide some cardboard under there so I didn't scratch the floor, and I called your daughter over to help me.  Your daughter, who spends a lot of time at the gym or using your weights downstairs.  Your daughter who brags about how much she can bench.  That daughter was absolutely useless at tilting the stove...or even lifting it at all.  I basically did it myself, and she said "How are you so strong?"  I was all...how do you spend so much time at the gym and you still can't lift anything?

I guess part of it is that I have stick-like forearms and pretty skinny wrists.  Maybe that's what people notice and assume that's indicative of how much muscle I have.  I guess they don't notice my sturdy Polish legs.  Power comes from your legs anyway.

I guess this is about the last time I can appreciate my ability to lift things, as I really started having issues a couple years ago.  I lifted a 20L can of methanol at work and injured my back.  As long as I don't twist, I'm fine.  But for now, I can still move the stove and refrigerator out to clean.  Aging sucks.

Anyway, it was pretty disgusting back there.  But it's clean now.  And I will try to keep it that way.  On to my next New Year's cleaning binge task.

Love,

A

Holidays

 Dear John,

I was out to your grave twice this past week.  Probably due to the nonsense going on at work.  You would not approve, but c'est la vie.  You know how I am.  Keeping it vague, because it's too long and stupid to explain.  However, just know that I am right.  😇

I got notification that JD died.  I hadn't really heard from him in quite a while, but I have fond-ish memories of him.  I went to his funeral today - I thought maybe one or two people from work would be there, but I was the only one.  His wife said that he had fought a long battle with cancer.  I would not have reckoned that he would have lasted this long, regardless.  He had not-well-controlled diabetes and heart disease when he retired.  I'm glad I went.  I mentioned you to his wife, and she remembered your name.  We expressed our mutual dislike of DP.  It was a small, but nice, send-off.

Anyway, I'm off work until January 9, I think.  That will be a nice break - a little longer than I expected, but I'm not complaining.  I just scheduled a haircut.  I'm going to work on some craft projects.  I will have to clean the house next week for New Year's.  

I don't have much holiday spirit.  It looks like I will have a good deal of alone time.  S is going to spend Christmas Eve with her boyfriend and his family.  She may have gotten a B on her Spanish final, but she's going to have to pick some of that up, if she spends more time with his family.  I don't know how much English her boyfriend's parents speak.  Your sister invited us to the family Christmas, but S will be at her boyfriend's.  Your mom texted S for the first time in a long time the other day.  I can only assume that the Christmas gift I sent arrived.  😐  I also sent a plant to her friend C - she still remembers every birthday and anniversary, and I just wanted to acknowledge how special she makes people feel just by sending a little card and note.  

Also, in keeping with her John Jr. genes, S got a second job.  Her first one is not scheduling her - since she's an assistant manager, she's too expensive for the events they're having.  So, she's going to bus tables at the restaurant where they have been going before homecoming every year.  She'll be working with one of her friends.  I'm sort of confused about this friend - she seems very nice and is kind to S, but S doesn't really seem interested in deepening the friendship.  Maybe working together will be good for them.  Or, knowing S, who also has some of my tendencies, she'll get sick of the girl and never want to talk to her again.  

I sent some money to the Roth IRA the other day.  Today, I decided to buy some investments.  I bought two things - an ETF, and then increased holdings on a stock that you had purchased (and lost A LOT of money on).  The market immediately tanked, so I think I lost about $400 in 3 hours.  Sigh - good thing I'm a buy and hold kind of person.  Or rather, I'm a don't mess with the stock market kind of person.  I think I'd rather diversify my money into experiences than investments, though, so I will keep looking at all the travel ads and do some fun things once I retire and S goes off to college.  Good thing my sister doesn't mind watching the dogs...

Of all things, I'm having the hardest time feeding myself.  I don't want to cook anything because there's no one to eat it.  Nothing appeals anyway, so I don't have any ideas for what to eat.  I don't even have any snacks or convenience foods that I want to eat.  Today I even made oatmeal to see if I suddenly got over my revulsion.  It's still bad, but since I didn't try to eat a whole bunch of it, it's wasn't as terrible.  I think I might treat it like rice and add butter and salt instead of sugar and fruit.  Or I could just make apple crisp and pretend that's a healthy way to incorporate oatmeal into my diet.  Or more oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

Speaking of the cookies, S has been making them for her friends lately.  She was apparently telling them they were a family recipe.  I laughed and told her that the recipe came from an old girlfriend of yours who you ended up hating.  Which is why her name is blacked out on the recipe card.  

Wishing I had some good dinner ideas.  It's hard to cook for one.

Love,

A

Nothing new under the sun

 Dear John,

I watched a movie last night.  It was about a woman whose boyfriend dies.  She ends up meeting someone new, who arranges to meet her after he gets her boyfriend's old number that she had been texting.  I wouldn't have thought much about it, but the boyfriend's name was John.  So, at that, I was like...HEY!  It was a cute movie - part of it centered around Celine Dion and she was very funny.  The movie is called Love Again.

I also started watching a new series - It's called Poker Face and stars Natasha Lyonne.  She's like a human lie detector, and wanders around getting justice for people.  S came in near the start of the second episode, and she enjoyed watching it too.  We have probably 5-6 more episodes to watch, and I'm looking forward to it.

It's time to cancel our Hulu/Disney+ subscription.  It was great for the last year.  I watched a bunch of stuff I wanted to see.  I think we're done with this service for a while.  There are several things I want to watch that will be coming to Disney+, but a break will be good.  I did pay $40 for a year of Starz, though.  I can finally finish watching American Gods.  

Thanksgiving is coming up on Thursday.  I guess your family has started a group text without me, as I haven't heard anything about their plans.  I wouldn't be participating regardless, but it's interesting.  I would like your brother to tune up the lawnmower next year, so maybe I'll keep in contact with his wife.  S saw her and their daughter at an NHS activity today.  S likes the younger girls and enjoys hanging out with them once in a while.  S was helping out at a basketball tournament, and her cousin was playing.  That was a nice surprise for her.  

I'm not feeling super thankful this year again.  I will make the effort to appreciate the things I have instead of focusing on what I've lost.  

Missing you.

Love,

A

Notes on Fall

 Dear John,

It seems that S is really done with your mom.  Her only grandmother, and she has no interest in seeing her.  We used to stop by or go out to dinner every time we went to the dentist, since they're in the same town.  We went there today, and I asked S if she wanted me to call your mom.  Her response was a flat No.  I guess being forgotten for the past few years has negated all the previous relationship-building they did.  Also, your mom kind of treated her like she did you - more critical than necessary while being totally soft on all the other kids.  Oh well.  I'm sad for her, but I don't blame her.  

Work is annoying.  I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor, because my blood pressure is high, and I should probably treat it.  I had to mow the lawn this weekend - the mowers are done for the year and I'm not paying a higher fee for "fall cleanup."  It took a few pulls for the lawnmower to start.  I think I'll ask your brother to tune it up next summer.  

I did manage to get someone to come and put that piece of fascia back up.  I couldn't reach on the ladder - the guy I hired couldn't really either, though he got closer than I could.  He ended up screwing it back in rather than nailing - probably better that way anyway.  It will probably stay in place until I have to get new siding.

Speaking of screwing things in, I decided to order a new set of power tools.  Your old set is dead - the batteries don't charge at all anymore.  I assume I will be able to sell the tools themselves on Facebook marketplace or something.  We shall see.  I guess it's my Christmas present to myself.  I don't know if I will use them, but I don't want to be without a drill or saw.  

I did get a lot done this weekend, with the yard and cleaning the house.  I guess that's good.  My cousin came down - he is visiting a man that he once mentored at the maximum security prison down here.  I guess the kid had a bit of a rough start, single mom, gang-member dad in jail, I think.  But he was doing OK until he one night got drunk and stabbed someone to death.  I admire my cousin for sticking with him - not many would.  I don't agree with my cousin on most of his views on religion, but I'm glad he's following the principles he espouses.  

Thanksgiving is next week, and S is doing the same thing you would.  Assuming that we'll be done with our Thanksgiving dinner early enough that she'll be able to go to her boyfriend's house too.  I hope she enjoys herself.  I would have liked to go to my sister's.  But I'll be going to the botanical gardens for my friend's birthday Friday or Saturday, so that will be fun.  

Time to walk the dogs and then go to bed.  We're watching The Lion King - I don't really like the movie, but S wanted to watch.  I guess I'll have to wait til it's over before I can go to bed.  I miss the days when you would watch the terrible movies with S.  I miss you.

Love,

A

The Latest

 Dear John,

I've really needed to talk to you this week.  All sorts of news that would interest you has been in my work email lately.  

Your former friend, MD, is retiring.  Since he's sworn, he started later than us and gets to leave earlier than I will.  MG also retired a couple years ago - I think we talked about that.  I think all the CSIs that were there when you work with me have retired.  MD, however, is going to double dip - he's going to be a Chief of Police in an area similar to the one where we live.  I'm sure it's just a stepping stone - since his sister's husband has strong Chicago connections, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up as Chief of Police there.  It's probably the right path for him, since he's so rigid about rules.  I'm not sure of the subtext, though - his wife and the kids will be staying for a year and a half.  The oldest, who is S's age, will graduate high school, and the youngest will be leaving elementary school.  I'm sure he'll be successful, unless, of course, he has continued to drink as much as he did when you guys hung out together.  That was a lot.  

In other news, our friend DA was found at home this weekend, unresponsive.  Our other friend MB had volunteered to be D's contact person after his girlfriend died.  MB had texted him last Wednesday, but then hadn't heard back from him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  On Sunday, he called the police for a wellness check - the police found him alive.  But he had probably been there since sometime Wednesday or early Thursday.  Word is he has a brain bleed/clot.  I'm not sure how he's doing, but we're going out for lunch with MB on Thursday, so I will be able to get an update.  I know D's in his late 70s, and his health is pretty good but not great.  But it's still pretty shocking.  I haven't been good about keeping in touch.  We used to have lunch every week, but that fell off after Covid.  I saw him last month.  

It's Halloween, so we dressed the dogs in some costumes.  I found some super cute fleece pajamas with skulls for $8.50 at TJ Maxx - several small children complimented me.  I passed out lots of candy and S and I watched Halloween movies.  I've got a summons for jury duty next week.  I assume they will choose not to call me.  S and I are going to a watercolor class on Friday.  That should be fun. 

So that's what's been going on.  I wish you were here to talk about it all with me.

Love,

A

Here we go again

 Dear John,

I don't know why people persist in thinking that I am more reasonable and nicer than you.  You were always the one urging me to be conciliatory - to not hold grudges.  But that ain't me.  I am polite, and pleasant...to a point.  But once challenged, I don't forget and rarely forgive.

I was walking the dogs this past weekend and heard some people talking next door in the driveway.  I took a look over there, and saw the landscaping guys out on the far side of the spite berm.  Of course I was suspicious, but they were on the correct side, so I let it go.  When I got back, I saw one of the guys in our yard...and so I walked up the neighbor's driveway to see what was going on.

They had cleared all the mulch from that side of the berm, and trimmed back the crazy bushes.  The guy does a nice job, if you're going for that sculpted English garden look.  I am incapable of making things even, so I prefer the more natural (i.e. wild) look.  So I had to have a conversation with the landscaping guy and his assistant.

Me: Hi.  I just wanted to let you know that that is my property from the berm over.

Landscaping guy: Oh, I know.  (Idiot neighbor) asked us to clean it up for you.

Me: Well, I'm sure you don't know this, but we've been involved in an ongoing property dispute for a number of years.

Landscaping guy: Um...he just wanted us to make it look good

Me: Yeah, well, he had to pay a surveyor to figure out this isn't his property. *grim smile*

Me: On top of that, the foxes around here have been trying to dig up the berm.  I have those bags of mulch sitting out to keep them from tearing up the landscape fabric.  Once they stop being so active, I will spread the mulch out, but we're not there yet.  Also, I see you cut down my weed tree.  Do you know what that was?

Landscaping guy's assistant: Well, I'm sure you won't mind if we spread the mulch for free. Yuck Yuck Yuck.

Landscaping guy: Oh, yeah, that was a poplar. Those don't last very long and they're kind of messy.  I have had some in my yard - they only last about 75 years.

Me: *blinks*

Me: Also, the bushes are providing a screen and I like a more natural look.

Landscaping guy: Oh, the trees will fill in - just takes a few years.

Me:  Well, OK then.  Have a good day.

The audacity of that man.  If he were a good neighbor, who thought maybe I was overwhelmed and wanted to take care of something for me, I would have an entirely different, if still aggravated reaction.  But his "help" comes with strings attached, so I knew I had to shut that down immediately.  I'm still debating about mailing a very angry letter to him.  I'm half tempted to pay for a cease and desist letter or report him for trespassing.  Of course, if he were a good neighbor, he would have just asked me if I wanted it taken care of.  That motherfucker will never learn.  I guess we'll see if they get video of ME screaming at them.  I doubt it - they inspire cold anger, not hot.  

Anyway, now I have to go down to the rock shop and see if they have any good rocks to put on the berm.  I was going to head over to visit you and check along the bluffs for some rocks.  But gas isn't any cheaper over there today, so I will just go and see how much it will cost to pick out some and have them delivered.  Sigh - I miss our rock collecting adventures.  Maybe I'll go next weekend - it's supposed to cool down significantly, so that will be better for rock collecting.  Maybe I'll take the kid and her boyfriend and make them do the work...

Like I needed this aggravation...

We have an audit at work this week, and everyone is freaking out.  I look forward to filing a grievance if they let some people work from home, when they told us that EVERYONE's telework was cancelled.  One of my friends from work is cheering me on.  She is the nicest person, and the hardest worker, and they have decided they need to mess with her.  She is a major germaphobe, and so never joins in the social activities.  Her boss told her to make sure she attends them, and when she came down to the staff meeting the other day, her boss told her to "watch her face."  Well, her face naturally wears a mildly concerned expression (unless she's talking to you - then she's very smiley and animated, but at rest...she usually looks worried).  I was aghast at this directive.  But anyway, because she's so nice, and avoids trouble, she wouldn't file a grievance.  But she would certainly be happy if I did.  Regardless, now I have to go in to work next Friday, so I guess I can go rock hunting after that since I'll be halfway to the cemetery.

Anyway, love you and miss you, especially for picking up heavy rocks,

A

A request

 Dear John,

It's almost 17 years since D (or as Lori called her, Snakewoman) had you escorted out of work and placed on a mental health leave.  It was my mistake - you had already made a comment that gave her an opening before you went for your 2 weeks of Reserves annual training.  Then I made a casual comment about you being stressed out (about the baby) and getting sick and coming home early.  She turned that into evidence that you were unstable and should not be at the lab any more.  That was September 30, 2006 - S was born 10 days later.  No wonder my blood pressure was high after her birth.  On the one hand, it was good - you were able to be home with the baby for her first 5 months.  On the other hand, it was hugely stressful to both of us to be dealing with that kind of work nonsense.  When you returned to work, it only took another month before you were fed up and found another job.  Too bad that job was in West Virginia.  I almost quit and went with you.  Instead, you had a very long commute for a year.  

You were stressed - we had had several miscarriages/chemical pregnancies before we visited the fertility doctor.  Then you had to watch me inject myself with heparin twice a day for almost 3 months.  You worried about everything already anyway.  And the responsibility of parenthood was quickly approaching.  But it was downright evil for someone who purports to be such an excellent Christian to use that kind of thing against you.  She's one of the reasons I have an overwhelming prejudice against Baptists.  (Our other coworker, who also had a part to play in that farce of your last year there, is also a Baptist, as is her husband (another coworker).  They're all fucking hypocrites as far as I can tell.)  Don't get me wrong - you were a fool to let the jealousy and needling make you act out.  But I will never forget their behavior.  It was a decent entry into your quest for VA disability, though, so it served some purpose in the grand scheme of things, I suppose.

S's birthday is coming up, and she asked if she could take her boyfriend to visit you.  I was surprised - she has not expressed any desire to go before.  She says yes when I ask if she wants to stop, but has never asked about it for herself.  (She texted me "Can I go see dad with (boyfriend) for my birthday?"  I replied "? At the cemetery?" She responded "No - at the ouija board.  Of course at the cemetery."  I have taught the sarcasm well...)  I'm never sure how she feels about things, so I am pleased when she mentions you or asks to do things like this.  Her boyfriend shares the name of the guy I dated before we got together, so that's interesting.  He's a bit of a fluffy haired idiot, but he's only mildly dramatic.  He's a year ahead of her, so I don't know how long this will last.  We were talking about all the nicknames you would have given him.  

I guess I need to drag the ladder inside so I can take a look at the bathroom fan.  It's making terrible noises again.  I hope a little WD40 will fix the issue.  I keep thinking I should call your friend to do some electrical work around here.  I would like to get some wiring for security cameras done...except I don't worry too much about security so it would be a waste of money.  I need that fan replaced.  There's the light switch in the basement I would like to have connected, as I won't be doing....whatever it was you had planned for that area.  I would like to put new lights on the garage.  I could probably do all of this myself.  I know it's not that hard.  But I remain unmotivated.

Our lawn guy offered to do aerating and overseeding for $550.  That seems pretty expensive, so I haven't responded.  The front really just needs dethatching and seeding.  The one side of the house needs nothing.  The other side and back could use the aerating.  I don't know - maybe next year.  The boyfriend offered to do it - I guess maybe that's what his dad does.  I know the boyfriend does yard work for his summer job.  

In other landscaping news, I don't know if our idiot neighbors neglected to point out the property line again, or if the HOA felt sorry for me and took care of it.  But the weeds and grasses under the red bud tree were all cleared out last weekend.  I saw that one guy who does all the yard cleanup in the subdivision next door last Saturday.  When I went out Saturday evening to walk the dogs, I saw that everything under the tree was gone.  I don't really like that everything was cleared out - we still had some butterfly bushes there.  But I guess free landscaping is free landscaping.  I didn't ask for it so I hope no one tries to bill me for it.  The foxes were digging in the berm behind there and displacing all the landscape fabric, so I bought some bags of mulch to hold the fabric down.  I didn't spread the mulch - just put the bags out there.  So now you can see that delightful arrangement from the street, since all the foliage that was blocking it out is gone.  Fall is almost here, and the foxes will go to ground somewhere.  Once they're less active, I can spread the mulch.  The foxes (I assume) also left me a squirrel tail on the driveway the other day.  A couple days later, I think S rolled over a frog with the car on her way home from the gym.  The wildlife action around here never stops.

Love,

A

More Work Stuff

 Dear John,

One of the guys who started with me died last month.  He was a super-nice guy.  Always funny but never mean.  I haven't seen him in over 25 years, but it's still pretty sad.

I was talking about connection to my job this morning, and it's just not there any more.  We were laughing about the new Standards put out by the organization built by the feds to standardize our processes.  It's definitely a case of people using big words because they want to sound smart, not because those are the best words to describe a process.  The person who sent the document to me was also delivering burns, as she noted that Google didn't think several of their terms were actual words.  I don't mind change - improvements are always welcome.  Change for the sake of changing is just dumb.

I did figure out a couple reasons why I no longer have connection.  One is because I don't have a backlog any more.  No one has to wait for me to finish stuff - I'm pretty much finishing it the same month it was delivered.  We haven't really had a case go longer than 45 days in a while, without a good reason.  If no one is waiting for me to get stuff done, I have no motivation to work on it.  A second reason is that I don't interact with people any more.  I was downstairs doing that today, and it was fun.  I got to see gross pictures, provide some excellent service, have some laughs.  I'm ready to be done, though.  Less than 2 years, I think.

I had another garage sale this weekend.  10+ Hours of annoyance for $100.  UGH.  Really not worth my time, but someone actually bought the kitchen sink that's been sitting in the garage for over a year.  I also spent a lot of time talking to some young lady who was absolutely obsessed with dolphins - especially Hope and Winter from the Clearwater Aquarium.  I would bet there aren't too many people in her life that listen to her talk about dolphins.  Another lady came by and bought a bag that one of the dogs had chewed on.  She was pretty lively - told me about her entire day's plans as well as the event she wanted the bag for.  It's some sort of Renaissance type event.  It's like a Cinderella ball, but with a fantasy component - dragons and fairies and stuff.  There were a couple of Trumpers who came through.  One didn't buy anything and the other bought something I was happy to get rid of.  

I was trying to sell your impact driver - some dude was trying to tell me that the attachments were worthless because they're American, and everything is metric.  Newsflash, Dude: No one really works on their cars any more, so it doesn't matter if they're metric or not.  Our lawn guy bought your oil filter wrench.  I sold that dumb ladder you took from the neighbor's trash.  Then I packed everything else up and took it to Goodwill.  I still have a lot of your clothes.  And I just found a place where I can send all of your old boxers for re-use or recycling.  It's not like they're stained and dirty, so I hate to just throw them away.  And I will never use that many rags in this lifetime. 

I heard Clocks by Coldplay on the radio this morning.  It always makes me think of you.  I cried.

Love,

A

Work stuff

 Dear John,

Well, it was an exciting week at work.  Our former immediate supervisor, D, is now in charge of the whole lab.  For years, I have laughed silently to myself as she has portrayed herself as the super-empathetic, always nice, pleasant bestie who supports everyone in the place.  I have watched people buy into this story since you left.  And this last week, she showed her true snake nature to everyone, though I know some of them still haven't picked up on it.

Our new people came back from a meeting with her and our new-ish immediate supervisor, STUNNED at the way she turned on them.  They said "I don't have any respect for her after that meeting."  I just chuckled and said, "she's fine as long as she doesn't feel like things will reflect poorly on her.  But once that starts to happen...watch out."

Then we had a staff meeting, during which she again showed her true nature AND told a "motivational" story that left all of us wondering if she was telling us to quit our jobs.  I think the actual point of the story was to tell us to quit our bitching because we have it waaaay better than anyone else.  While that is sort of true, it doesn't negate the highly irritating behavior of our management.  The next day, one of my buddies in another section said "I just want her to drop the act.  We all know how she is now - there's no point in continuing to be fake."  I laughed at him too, because...that's just how she is.  Maybe I've never told him your story, so that's why it's news to him.  Regardless, I am entertained.

On top of that, on Tuesday, I started out with being greeted by a skunk when I pulled up to the gate at work.  I thought it was one of the cats that live next door (although someone must have TNR'd them, because there are hardly any roaming about any more), until I saw it waddling.  When the gate started to open, he raised his tail in warning.  He looked around and decided there was no threat and kept waddling on.  He was far enough away that his spray wouldn't have been likely to reach the car, but I did not want to test that theory.  On my way home, I was driving along and saw a motorcycle ahead of me, with something large and white on the back of it.  I looked as though the driver had a plastic trash bag tied to him or something.  I eventually caught up to the bike at a stop light - imagine my surprise when I turned to see that it was a person with a white fuzzy helmet with bunny ears.  😲

I did start the process to move my retirement eligibility date back to a year from now.  I don't know if you'd approve of the expense, but I think it will be worth it.  Either I could retire at the end of next year, or I will wait for S to finish her senior year and retire then.  I won't have quite as much sick time saved as I would like if I opt for the end of next year.  It may not matter, though - I have to calculate out the days I will need.  And if I wait until S graduates, I should have an entire additional 1.67% for my retirement rate.  Or more.  Regardless, it's time to go.  I have loved my job over the last 30 years - and I've hated it too.  But it's time to make room for the new people.  It's not my identity any more, and it hasn't been for a while.  For sure since you died, and maybe before that.  

Your brother invited us to a birthday party for his kids this weekend.  S has to work, so we're not going.  But that was unusual.  I'll probably send some gifts anyway.  I don't remember how old his son is, 4 or 5?  I found some fishing reels in the garage - I gave them to my fisherman friends at work.  S said she didn't want them.  I assume they were probably your dad's or grandfather's.  I probably should've given them to the little guy for his birthday.  But it's much easier to order something from Amazon, since I won't be going down that way.  I wish you were here to attend - you always loved interacting with your nieces and nephews.  Your siblings never appreciated that.

Love,

A

You're hilarious. :/

 Dear John, 

I asked you to pick my Mega Millions numbers so I could be a billionaire.  I told you to show me that you still love me.  I assume everyone asks their loved ones the same, and so it's mostly impossible to control.  Instead, I received an email from one of my survey companies telling me that I've won a drawing for a $5 Amazon gift card.  Should I interpret that to mean that you're listening, that the extent of your love for me is a $5 gift card, or that it was a lucky coincidence?  Regardless, I got a good laugh out of it.

We've still got wildlife encounters around here.  I see the fox quite a bit.  I saw some deer, and then a few days later, some wild turkeys in the same spot.  We watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3 - S invited her not-a-boyfriend over - and then I saw a couple juvenile raccoons.  Something transported a bunch of lamb's ear into the grill.  An orb weaver spider made a huge, elaborate web anchored on the front pine tree.  It's crazy out there.

S will be starting her junior year next week.  I'm not sure if I will let her drive to school every day or not.  I don't really want her to, but...all the kids do it.  However, since she pays for her own gas, she may not want to do it either.  We'll see how it works out.  I didn't even schedule a physical for her this year.  I suppose I should do that, but I'm not motivated.

It occurred to me, after going to a retirement seminar, that I should look into your Army pension.  I had the hardest time trying to track down a number to call - I had to hit up my friend from my FB group to get information.  I don't think I'm actually eligible for anything, as one of the websites says "the pension dies with the retiree."  But I will fill out paperwork and see if anything comes of it.  

Work is making me really angry lately.  That's fine - I'm counting down to retirement anyway.  But everyone is just so thoughtless about everything they're doing.  It's absolutely ridiculous.  You would say "Keep your mouth shut and collect your paycheck."  I'm trying, but it's very difficult.  If you can't pick lottery numbers, can you do some smiting?  Because there are several people who need it.  I'm scheduled to retire March 1, 2025.  If I buy back my first 6 months, I could leave in a year.  But if I wait until S graduates in about 22 months, I'll be able to have an extra year of service credit for all my accrued time.  That will be nice, so I will likely stick it out.  

S was scheduled to work late tonight - it's a Thursday, and she had to stay until 10:30 or 11.  I'm trying to stay awake to make sure she gets home OK, but I am tiiiired.  Oh well, time to take the dogs for one last walk before I get in bed.

Figure out how to make me a billionaire - it's gonna have to be a creative solution, as I'm not going to marry one.  I've got a lot of ideas on how to redistribute that kind of money, and I would like to implement them.

Love,

A

Stasis

 Dear John,

I keep wanting to schedule more vacations, even though I know I will not be taking any more vacations this year.  Well, we might go back to my oldest sister's house, as my 2nd oldest sister will be visiting.  But that's just a weekend trip.

Right now, I'm just...bored.  Some of it has to do with Covid.  I've been in the house too much, because I don't want to go and spread germs.  All of my symptoms (which never got too bad) are gone now, so I will be venturing out tomorrow to go to the bank and the grocery store and to get one more estimate on the car.  I hate to spend the money to get it fixed, but since it scrapes the ground leaving the driveway, that 1/4" less clearance makes it worth fixing.  I guess I'll put it through the insurance - that's what we pay them for anyway.  $500 for a deductible is better than $1300-$2000 for a new bumper (and possibly a grill).  But if you could please stop trying to discourage S from driving, that would be great.  I don't have the time or the energy to shuttle her places.  And making her sit at home all the time is cruel.  She has already figured out that she needs to equalize the driving or ask for gas money, so that's good news.  

Not much else is going on.  See: boredom.  We had a dog convention in the middle of the street yesterday.  Cooper and the Wright Brothers were out.  Cooper is a generally friendly dog, who does not enjoy the company of our two, but was a good distraction that allowed my aunt to catch them when they decided to take off on her.  His owner said they were nipping at him. The young dog stood behind me and growled at him the whole time.  He's such a chicken.  The Wright Brothers are the chihuahua mixes who belong to the lady who will not wave or say hi to you...unless you want to talk about the dogs.  She is a strange duck, but everyone has their quirks.  I also enjoy the very suspicious looks her husband gives you when he's got the garage doors open and you're walking by and can see all 3 of his very expensive sports cars.  Seems like they're a good match.

I did finally go out and burn some yard waste yesterday.  It hadn't rained for pretty much all of June (the lawn is a burned mess), so I couldn't get rid of all the branches and pine needles and stuff I'd collected.  My aunt was going to take care of it while we were gone but it was still too dry.  It finally rained every day for almost a week last week.  The ground was still wet, so I was able to burn the stuff.  I had to use your rinse solution to get it going - I probably should not have poured the entire container on it.  Got a good flame though!  The mosquitos and sweat bees were crazy out there - I should have been wearing pants.  Fortunately, I just get the short term welts from mosquitos now; the bites last for an hour instead of days.  Sometimes I wonder if the allergic reaction is going to cause a problem, but so far, my skin just gets really hot for a short time.  

The other part of my boredom is that I don't have you to talk to.  Or rather, I don't have you talking to me about all your nonsense.  I miss that a lot.  So many times I would zone out, because you were ranting about something.  I knew I didn't want you to stop talking to me, but I never realized how much I would miss it.  I can call all kinds of people if I want someone to talk to, but they're not you, so I can't be bothered.  

I did text one of my work friends last weekend - the a-holes next door were running a chainsaw at 9:30 pm on a Saturday.  I think you know that my first thought was that they were obviously cutting up a body.  But I've seen both of them this week, so it wasn't a domestic situation that went terribly wrong.  They're probably doing something dodgy with their funeral home business.

Looks like the dogs are ready to go for a walk, so I guess I will take them out.  It's almost 7 pm and I am still wearing my pajamas.  I guess I'll get dressed tomorrow, since I'm planning on going out.  Young dog just licked my foot, so I should get moving...

Miss you.

Love,

A

FFS

Dear John,

I got Covid.  3+ years of avoiding it, and I'm pretty sure I got it on the flight back from vacation.  I knew I should have been wearing a mask.  That was dumb.  I can hear you saying "I told you not to travel."  So far, S is not sick.

Last night, I was running the a/c down for the night.  The dogs and I were in bed, and I heard something making noise in the a/c unit.  So I got the flashlight, and went outside to see if something had fallen in.  Note: I do not like the new a/c unit's top - too much stuff can get in there.  I didn't see anything other than the usual leaves and pine needles.  Then I looked at the top cover again, and a slightly degloved mouse was stuck in there.  I was wearing your Crocs, took a step forward to get a closer look, forgot that there were retaining wall stones there, tripped, fell, and scraped the hell out of my right leg.  

I hope all this rather unfortunate stuff means that I have exhausted my bad luck, and that I will now win $1 billion in the Powerball and Megamillions drawings.  I think I deserve it after that bunch of nonsense.

Love,

A

Vacation

 Dear John,

You would have loved Alaska.  You would have wanted to move there immediately.  It was remote and quiet and peaceful.  I would not have enjoyed it much - I like being close to shopping.  But I spent a bit of time on our cruise picking out the spots where you would have liked to live.  

You would never have gone on a cruise, but we had a fantastic time.  With my oldest sister and her husband along for the ride, we laughed and danced and took many photos.  They harassed me on my birthday - making me stay up until midnight and then singing to me as we walked through various floors of the ship.  It was really obnoxious, but also hilarious.  You know I hate to have a fuss made on my birthday, but they did it anyway.  They even told our waiters at dinner, so they brought me a cake and sang to me.  I'm not sure what language it was - Indonesian maybe?  

We got to see a lot of wildlife - bears on the side of the road, eagles as plentiful as...well, they said pigeons, but I'll go with robins, sea lions on every buoy, whales - humpbacks and orcas, otters, more bears.  Even a banana slug.  It was a wonderful trip.  I would now like to do the land and sea tour.  We also took an e-bike trip through the national forest.  You would have laughed at me the whole time.  The brake handle was a little too short, so almost every time I hit the brake, I also hit the throttle.  I almost fell off several times, but managed not to damage myself, the bike, or anyone else.  It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed the pedal-assist.  I need it for the hills at home!  Or maybe I'll just take the bike on the trail, and not worry about the hills.

S had a good time - she didn't get sick this time, which was a bonus.  She was kind of tired of being around all the adults all the time, I think.  But we got a room credit that she could use for internet, so she was still able to be in contact with all of her friends.  She was a little irritated that we didn't have time to visit Forks, WA - she did devour all of those ridiculous Twilight books and make us watch all the movies multiple times.  She says she's not still into it, but...  I said that maybe next summer we'll take a driving tour of the Pacific Northwest - maybe drive from Seattle to San Francisco.  She could bring a friend.  We'll see how that works out.  

We did get to spend a little time in Seattle too.  S was over it all by then and just wanted to get home.  So, she sort of enjoyed the Space Needle, and didn't really care about Pike Place Market.  I wish she would have had more patience - we could have gotten some lunch at a cute cafe or something.  Instead, we ate Wendy's at the airport.  And she made us go through security twice - because she ordered Starbucks from the wrong location.  Our first trip through security was reasonable.  Our second trip through took almost an hour.  We had time to kill, so it wasn't a big deal.  

My aunt came and watched the dogs while we were gone.  It was nice to have someone at the house, so I didn't have to worry about all the stuff.  She also did some yard work and most of my small cabinet project that I was going to do.  You had a little parts cabinet in the garage - it has 21 drawers, all of which were falling apart, and a hinged top for the small vials.  I was going to glue all the drawers back together, but she took care of that for me.  Now, I have to fix the top, and maybe sand and stain and seal it.  We'll see if I get that far.  The wood is pretty soft, so it won't stand up to vigorous sanding.

While we were parked at the airport, it looks as though someone backed into the car with their trailer hitch.  The left front fog light has been knocked back into the car and the front bumper is caved in a little.  I don't know if there are security cameras, so I emailed the parking lot to see if they have any record.  I'll have to get it fixed, but it's just beyond my capabilities.  Maybe.  We'll see how much it costs before I decide if I want to try it myself.  It will involve jack stands and getting under the car, though.  

I caught a little cold or something on the way back home too.  I left work early, and took extra time today - I'm only doing my 7.5 hours of teleworking and taking the other 5 hours off.  I'm feeling a little better today.  Yesterday I tried giving blood but my heart rate was elevated (I had been running up and down the stairs), and apparently I'm just old enough and fat enough to get rejected.  But my temp was also slightly up then and I was starting to feel a little weird.  In the end, it's a good thing they kicked me out.  I still get the gift card for trying.  I'll try again next time.  Anyway, by the time I got home, I was a bit feverish and starting to get the chills.  I took a nap, and then went to bed on time too.  

If you could do something to stop the cars that S is driving from getting damaged all the time, I would appreciate it.  I know it's you not approving of how much she's driving.  But we live in the suburbs, and this is how kids in the suburbs do things.  They can't walk or bike for miles to get to their friends.  Her friends pick her up occasionally too.  She's mostly driving to the gym and to work.  She will be an excellent driver by the time she goes to college, so I won't have to worry about her.  You're supposed to be watching out for her, not making her feel guilty.  So...do your actual job of protecting us, not the John version of "school of hard knocks."😡That job doesn't stop because you're not around any more, you know.  If there's an afterlife, you still have responsibilities and I expect you to uphold them.  And no, I will never stop yelling at you.  

Love,

A

$$$$$

 Dear John,

Welp, we got a new car.  It's really a foolish purchase.  I don't need 2 cars and S could definitely live without one.  But I'm used to having full access to my car all the time.  And I want her to have a social life, which means a car in this area.  

The old car had at least $1000 worth of repairs needed.  Brakes, oil change, battery (how is the 10 year old original battery still working?!), side mirror, and then there was the air bag light that came on, which is what prompted the purchase.  No way I was paying to diagnose that, especially since it was probably a battery issue.  Do I feel bad for sticking the dealership with that car?  Well, I did, until the salesman was telling me how they were actually losing money on my sale.  Um...I doubt that.  He gave me some story about selling to a fleet with a $6000 profit the day before, which lets him give good prices to regular people.  Sure.  Invoice price was almost $3000 less than I paid, and they threw in some aftermarket plastic floormats.  OK.  I will check their website to see if they actually do the repairs or just send it to auction and let it become someone else's problem.  S was supposed to clean out the old car before we traded it in, but she left all your Johnny Cash CDs in there.  Our salesman actually dropped them at our house.  That was nice of him.  Now I have to go do some internet stalking to see how far out of his way he went.

They aren't making the Maxima any more.  And they didn't have any new ones.  All the ones they had were being driven by staff.  I almost bought a used one with 8000 miles.  But the insurance would be more, and the one I bought has a heated steering wheel.  That's really the only feature I wanted.  S is now driving my Maxima.  I have the new car.  I'm not excited about it for two reasons.  First, it's my first major purchase in 20 years that I've made without your input.  You liked to take the new cars and push them to their limits.  I enjoyed watching you enjoy the cars we've bought.  It feels pretty empty without you.  Second, I just don't really care about it.  I've been excited about the last few cars that we bought and super happy with the ones I bought before we were together.  But this is just...blah.  There's nothing else on the market I want either.  You would never have bought this car.  It's the higher end version of an Altima, and you always said the resale value suffers in comparison.  I hope to keep this one until it's time to buy electric.  Or maybe I'll buy something else in 3 years, and send this one to college with S.  

We're headed off to our Alaskan cruise soon.  I'm glad my aunt will come and watch the dogs (and therefore, the house) for us.  I worry about her driving so far, but I think she's looking at it like a vacation.  I am certain she needs the money I will be paying her, but she won't let me help her otherwise.  When her dog was sick, I told her to let me know if she needed help with the vet bills.  I thought she was going to break down when I offered.  She's very independent, so I'm sure she'll be fine.  Worst case scenario is that S and I have to drive her home.  

I was afraid the refrigerator stopped working today.  Every now and then, it just shuts itself off VERY ostentatiously.  Like, it's always making some kind of noise, and then, suddenly, it's absolutely silent.  I don't know why.  But it's still running.  I hope it keeps going.  I'm pretty fond of it.  Also, I don't want to spend another $1000+ for a new one right now.  I also need a new grill.  I suppose I could just buy burner covers so as not to char my food when cooking, but that style is obsolete and I'm sure there are more parts decomposing.  Sigh.  Do I need 5 burners?  No, but the smaller ones are ridiculously small.  The blu-ray player is acting up too.  Those are getting harder to find.  I need you here to find me the best deals.  

Your daughter just ran in with 3 minutes to spare before her curfew.  She has been trying my patience on that score.  It's nice that she's hanging out with friends.  But she thinks there are no rules.  And several of her friends live in questionable areas.  She's smart, and doesn't invite trouble, so that's good.  

I guess your brother and his family went up to see your sister in Michigan.  If nothing else, your death seems to have brought the rest of them closer.  I couldn't see your brother driving that far for vacation under any other circumstances.  

I had a sex dream about you the other night.  I really wish you were here for the real thing.

Love,

A

Summer vacation

 Dear John,

S and I made our annual trek to my sister's house.  This time, it was mostly for me to go and see The Cure with my bestie.  You would get so mad at me for listing her instead of you as my best friend.  But you were my husband - that's closer than a best friend.  Anyway, we went out for dinner and then went to the concert and it was everything I expected and more.  I was able to recapture much nostalgia from my teen years.  They played the songs that made me think of you, as well as my favorite songs and some new music.  It was an incredible show.

We also visited a friend from work and her puppy as usual.  We got to see my nephew's new apartment.  We did our usual shopping.  We walked the dogs a lot.  My other friend's husband fell off his neighbor's roof and broke his femur.  I took some food over for her and the girls.  We had to come home early, though, so S could go to work.  I'm not sure why she feels compelled to go to work all the time - she's mildly obsessed with building up her bank account.

While we were there, we drove around the campus of one university and took a tour of another.  The tour was OK - it gave S a start in considering what size school she would like to attend.  She was concerned that university was religious; she thought they would be trying to force their religion onto her.  My sister was supposed to go with us, but she had to work - it's her alma mater, and she would have been very enthusiastic and very obnoxious.  Instead, as we passed the DEI office, our tour guide spoke about all the clubs and other LGBTQ-friendly activities, and then asked "do you have any questions?"  I, of course, responded "Many, but I will keep them to myself for now."  She looked confused, as if she'd never considered the conflict between a Catholic university and LGBTQ-friendliness.  It is a very nice campus, and the school is pretty good.  S enjoyed the tour but doesn't appreciate that I have expanded her choices, as she often suffers from decision paralysis.

Meanwhile, I got a rejection letter from the VA for paying for the EMTs who came to the house the day you died.  First they rejected it for the wrong birthdate.  This time, and I thought I was going to lose my mind when I read it, they rejected it because you weren't transported, some other nonsense, IT WASNT IN RESPONSE TO A SUICIDAL CRISIS, and some other nonsense.  Seriously?!?!   I called Community Care, and they told me to call the patient advocates.  Unfortunately, I burned almost all your paperwork, so I didn't have the name of the guy you used to talk to.  But I called one of the guys at the local office.  He had me email the bill, and I sent your death certificate that says suicide right on it.  I hope he'll get it taken care of.  I could just pay the bill, but you know...principle.

Speaking of decision paralysis, I am apparently angry about car shopping.  The dealership where we got our last car called, texted, and emailed me this morning, because I was inquiring about trade-in value.  My reply started with "You all are relentless.  Call, text, and email."  I did identify our previous sales guy, who I spoke to later in the afternoon.  It seems as though my email was passed around for amusement.  I also stopped at another dealership while I was out the other day.  I told them that their website does not give adequate information about the cars - it just takes you from photo to photo while giving minimal information that I want to know.  The sales guy they sent me to basically went and found someone else to deal with me.  He was sort of helpful, in that he did the opposite of trying to sell me a vehicle.  He told me that electric cars are only good if you're never driving more than 100 miles.  The general view on battery charging - you know, the one I always refused to accept as true: don't let the battery run down or charge fully - is recommended.  He made a vague suggestion about an SUV, but then more or less walked me out.  I guess they do appointments for car sales now.  

S and I went to look at new cars.  I'm back to the same old place - you said you wouldn't buy another Nissan, but...I can't find anything else I like.  I looked at the Subaru WRX - we didn't even get in the car, because it felt like it was going to be too small.  I test drove a Kia - it was OK, but I hated the shifting.  Now I have to decide if I want a used Maxima (low miles, lots of extras) or a new Altima (more money, but even more extras).  It's exhausting, and I hate it.  But whatever...it must be done.  I don't want an SUV, though I should probably get one.  I would like a hybrid, but none of them have enough power.  I need a nap.

Love,

A

Maybe you are still out there?

 Dear John,

Yesterday, I was out shopping.  I went to my favorite junk store only to find that it is going out of business.  It was a place I would make an excuse to go to when visiting your grave - you'd be pretty unhappy with me for driving 30+ miles to stand by your grave for 5 minutes before going back home.  So I would wait til I needed gas (it's cheaper there), and stop by the store to see if they had any new random items that I might need.  It's been very annoying to get there lately anyway.  The JC Penney furniture store where we bought the couches for our first house closed a few years ago, and they're redoing the little plaza and moving things around.  It will now look like every other strip mall.  :/  Anyway, while I was there, I was thinking about how distant you seem.  How it's been so long since I saw you or talked to you.  Even though I miss you, it's not as intense most of the time.  It feels like you're fading in a way.

But then, S sent me a picture of the car dashboard on her way home from work last night - the airbag light is now on.  According to the internet, it might be due to a battery thing.  Since we're still working with an almost 10 year old battery, that's my guess.  But it may also be a spring or something even more expensive.  Anyway, if I didn't already have signs that it was time to trade in the car, that was it.  And none of the car dealerships around here seem to have anything I want, but there is a whole street full of them over past my favorite junk store.  So, maybe that's where I'm supposed to be shopping for cars - so I can have another excuse to stop by.  Maybe you're still directing my life in the only ways you can.

In spite of all the rust discoloring the top of your headstone, no one has removed the watch movement.  I found out that it's a custom to leave coins on the tops of veterans' graves, so maybe that's why.  I'm just surprised it's still there.  I hope it stays - it seems fitting to have a bit of your favorite hobby there.

I hate car shopping.  I will never feel like I paid a good price for a car.  I guess I'll have to figure out how to negotiate to the point where I don't feel like I've been duped.  (Upon reflection, that's what happened with my first two cars that I bought before you came into my life.)  Maybe I'm older and wiser now.  They can't get me on financing, anyway.  And trade-ins are getting good deals right now, since there's a shortage of good used cars.  Maybe it won't be horrible.  Who am I kidding?  It's already horrible.  Car sales people are stalkers and harassers. UGH.

I was just reading and responding to comments on an old post and realized that I forgot to tell you about the events when I was cleaning up the yard!  I had a full post about our wildlife and forgot to mention it.  The dogs were outside, barking their fool heads off, as usual.  I was walking by with a wheelbarrow full of branches, and yelling at them to be quiet.  Then I noticed that they were standing at one end of the patio and barking at the other side of the patio, instead of yelling at one of the neighbor dogs.  When I looked over, there was a very tense, rather large snake curled up under some of the columbine.  I know you would have done something different, but I just put the dogs back in the house and went back to trimming stuff, leaving the snake space to find his way out of there safely.  Of course, the last snake you killed WAS climbing up a tree, and I agree that having a snake fall out of a tree onto you is unacceptable.  So, if I do see this guy climbing trees, he's going to have a meeting with the hoe.  But for now, he can just find a way to keep to himself.  

Next time, I'll tell you about our trip to my sister's and the ongoing saga of me vs the VA.

Love,

A

I guess we're out of the loop

 Dear John,

I keep getting graduation screenshots from your brother's wife of your sister's kids' graduations.  I guess C is sending the livestream links to her.  I don't know who all she's sending the links to - your mom too, I think.  Maybe everyone but me.  The oldest has graduated from the School of the Art Institute, and the twins graduated from High School.  Not that I'm terribly worried about not being included - makes it easier for me to use my time more wisely at holidays.  S is still offended that your mother more or less thinks S is her cousin.  The other day, I told her that it was nice they had a good relationship when she was young, anyway.  She was not impressed.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead...I apparently woke up in The Godfather this morning.  No horse head in my bed, but there was a deer head on the front walk.  It was pretty small, so probably a fawn.  Also, there was poop near the head, on the driveway, and down the sidewalk.  I found it when I went out early to walk the dogs - the whole time I was walking them, I was laughing and saying "WHAT THE FUCK?"  When we got back, I looked across the lawn and saw a carcass - thought maybe it was just more parts from the deer.  I put the dogs inside, got the shovel and a rake and started cleaning up the carnage.  When I got to the carcass...it turned out to be an eviscerated rabbit.  Cue another round of WHAT THE FUCK?  Of course, I took pictures and posted them on Facebook.  I will refrain from adding them here though.

No one has made me an offer that I can't refuse, so I can only conclude that it was coyotes.

Dead animal total for this year so far: 3

It's a good thing I'm not particularly squeamish.  Old dog is constantly rooting around in the "garden" (you know, that place where you set aside a location to plant vegetables that is directly under a bunch of trees?  So nothing vegetable or flower-wise (except columbine) ever grows?  That garden.) and coming up with random bones.  I was looking at the strawberries yesterday, and I think there was a vertebrae of some sort in there.  

I cleaned the garage last weekend - I came out at one point and there was a lizard sitting just outside the garage.  He looked at me reproachfully, like I had just ruined his living room or something.  Sorry, little gecko, but you're not doing your job of keeping the garage bug-free.  I saw multiple centipedes in there the other night when I was taking out the trash.  I still have to clean and organize the third bay, though.

Speaking of centipedes, I found one in the fucking dishwasher last week.  I opened it, and saw something moving, so I closed it and got a napkin to smash whatever was in there (again, good thing I'm not that squeamish).  But it was sitting on the utensil tray, so I lifted the whole thing out, ran it across to the front door, and flung the little critter out onto the front porch.  He ran around in circles for a bit - I'm sure he was also saying WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!  A week later, S and I went out to walk the dogs, and there's a centipede crawling around on the first arch on the porch.  I can only assume that it's the same one and he lives there now.  

If this keeps up...I may have to move.  I am not down with being the neighborhood killing field and bug sanctuary.  

6 more days til I get to see The Cure.  

I wish you were here to fling dead animals into the trees instead of me.

Love,

A

Guardian Angel?

 Dear John,

I was talking to one of the new kids at work the other day about my crazy Wednesday.  She asked me if I believed in guardian angels or that sort of thing.  I said "Well, I don't know how much I *believe* it, but we've always said that someone was looking out for us when something terrible ALMOST happens."  And there were some coincidences that suggest that you're looking out for us.

I was on the way to the dentist, and noticed something weird about the car.  The only thing to check is the tire pressure screen, and, as I was watching, the front tire was losing air.  I calculated whether I could make it to the dentist, but I was not even close, and the next exit was the last one with services close by.  So I pulled off and went to the truck stop.  As I was ineffectually flailing around, getting the jack out, and trying to figure out where to put it, a lovely young woman came over and basically took over.  I don't know what it is about me, but people frequently help me when I'm clearly out of my depth.  It's not to say that I can't change a tire - I can.  It would just take me a lot longer than it did when she helped me.  She did say it looked like it was the first time I was changing a tire...but it wasn't!  She gave me a lot of tips, though.  As usual, I forgot to offer her money.  I'm absentminded in general, but it's so much worse when I'm flustered.  I went back the next day, but she wasn't there.  

Anyway, we're headed up for our annual vacation at my sister's in a couple weeks, so I assumed this was your way of telling me that I needed new tires on the car.  S was not very happy with me, as she lost free access to the other car for about 36 hours.  Fortunately for her, I was able to get new tires Friday morning.  I think, when I got in the car on Wednesday, the song I most associate with your death was on the radio.  So, yeah, do I believe?  It's not logical, and there's no proof, but in general, I sometimes feel like you're talking to me in the only way you can.  

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and they offered the $60 photo shoot of the back of my eye.  The incentive was that I wouldn't have to be dilated.  Of course, I said "Dilation is free!  I'll go with that."  I feel like I may have failed one of the other tests, as the young man who was doing the preliminary tests called me back out and told me that I got a free session out of them.  Then again, it may be that the eye doctor was not interested in the time involved in dilating my eyes.  Anyway, the young man and I went on to have a wide-ranging discussion covering things like pizza, Chicago, New York, and music.  Anyway, eyes are fine, so that's good news.

S and I went shopping after that - we stopped to visit your grave.  The rusty old movement that I left on your headstone after the watch show was still there.  Someone had put a flag on your grave too.  I assume that was your brother's wife.  Or maybe your mom.  Anyway, I assume they're having some sort of Memorial Day event, as there were a lot of new signs up, making streets one way and no parking on on one side of the road.  We also saw 4 deer.  And S noticed that a local landmark is visible from your grave.  

Back to my sisters, they had a star named for you for the anniversary of your death.  And my oldest sister got a commemorative brick installed at the park by her house.  You may have gone there once, but S and I were frequently sending you calls and photos and videos from there.  We'll go see it when we head up next month.

I picked our vacation date this year because I got tickets to see The Cure.  I don't know how I'll hold up when they play Pictures of You or Lullaby or Boys Don't Cry, but I'm still excited to go.  I'm taking my best friend - we went to see them when we were 17.  It was a great concert then, and from all reports, it will be a great concert now.  

I'll be thinking of you.

Love,

A

It's not unusual?

 Dear John, 

By the time I met you, I had quite a bit of experience with loss.  My mom's father died 10 years before I was born.  My dad's mother died when I was 4.  My dad's dad lived until he was 98 - I was 13 when he died.  Not long after, at my dad's uncle's wake, I was exposed to The Family Look.  Mom popped her gum as we were standing around, and my aunt gave her the most withering stare I had ever seen.  I thought my mother was going to drop dead on the spot.  At my dad's wake a few years later, we laughed and laughed about it, after making sure Mom didn't have any gum.  

4 years after my dad died, my last remaining grandparent, mom's mom died.  Just before I left Chicago to move with you, my dad's oldest sister died.  A few years later, it was my uncle.  Thus, I was prepared when you were acting a bit off after your dad died - on the day of his wake, you suddenly decided to dye your hair, which you had previously let go grey.  Except you started too late and didn't let it set long enough, so it was a weird sort of purple instead of brown.  You were unprepared for loss - the only people in your life that had died were your grandfather, who you only saw once or twice a year, and a grandmother to whom you weren't close.  On top of that, you were already slightly estranged from your family.  You couldn't handle the cancer diagnosis and couldn't watch him decline at the end.  You were there while he was undergoing treatment, but once he was near the end, you withdrew.  Within a month, your grandmother was gone too - which cemented your withdrawl from your family.  You didn't even go to her funeral.  And then my aunt, deliverer of The Family Look, died next.  

A couple more years and it was my mom.  9 years to the day before you.

Another aunt.  Another uncle.  Then you.

I'm starting to think that maybe I might be...unlucky.

A

Unremarked

 Dear John,

Thursday was our 20th anniversary.  Technically, we didn't make it to 19.  Realistically, the only reason we usually noticed our anniversary was when we received a card in the mail from your mom's friend.  I don't know why it was so hard to remember the date.  There was a lot of consideration on my part in choosing the date.  We picked the days to go to Key West.  We arrived on the 8th, and needed to get a marriage license.  We couldn't get married on the 9th - it was a coworker's birthday.  The 10th was out too - it's my nephew's birthday.  The 12th - my cousin's birthday.  We were leaving for home on the 13th.  That left the 11th.  And yet...I could never remember the date without careful consideration.  You never remembered anything like that.  I'm surprised that you remembered my birthday, but if I remember correctly, that only started once I refused to celebrate it.  Suddenly, it became important to you.  

Speaking of which, after offloading all your watch stuff, I decided that S and I are taking the Alaska cruise that I've wanted to do.  We're going the week of my birthday.  My oldest sister is talking about coming with us - I hope she decides to.  S thrives when she has adults who love her around.  I am looking forward to it.  When we traveled, you wanted to stay close and only be gone for 3 days or less.  So we got to see a few out of the way places.  That Botanical Garden up north was really nice.  And Memphis was fun - we managed to stuff quite a bit in while we were there.  But I wanted to go to completely different places, and you couldn't do it.  

My aunt may be coming to watch the dogs.  It will be good to have a housesitter too.  I haven't seen her in a while. 

S is almost done with another school year.  She has been complaining about all her honors/AP classes.  I am going to have to crack down on her, because her main focus is social activities.  Then work.  Then looking at stuff on her phone.  Then maybe school.  I don't want to overload her, but at the same time, she has to plan for her future.  It's very frustrating.  We shall see.

Your sister-in-law asked if I had any voice recordings of you.  I sent her a couple (from your phone, which is still connected.  For $10, I don't see the point of getting rid of the line).  Today, I found the digital voice recorder, and all the files of S as a baby and toddler talking with you and telling stories.  It was good...and sad...to hear your voice again.  

I had to cut back trees today.  The ornamental plum likes to overhang the walkway.  That's fixed - for me, anyway.  Tall people may still have issues.  The maple tree in back is probably irritating the lawn guys.  I cut a bit off of that too.  I thought the knock-out rose was dead, and wondered how that could possibly have happened.  Knock-out roses are almost impossible to kill.  Turns out it was only half dead.  I trimmed a lot of dead branches, and then dragged them to the back.  Got a couple scrapes from the thorns.  I planted a couple bushes too - a raspberry and a mock orange.  I'm not sure if either of them will survive.  But there was a good storm, so the rain should help.  

S broke up with her second "boyfriend" in a few months.  She's not dating - just "talking."  Whatever that means.  Now I have to hear her talk about it all the time.  It's kind of exhausting.  But I'm glad she's having these low-stakes encounters.  It will help her figure out what she wants in the future.  

I guess that's everything.  You're all caught up.  Miss you much...

Love,

A

End of an era

Dear John,

The watch show started today.  I sold A LOT of your watches - well, to be fair, your friend sold a lot of your watches.  Many of them went to that Tom guy that you refused to deal with any more.  He bought 117.  I feel like it was not up to your standards, but to some extent, I don't care.  I really just want the stuff gone.  But it was reasonable, so I went with it. There was a young guy from Texas who bought a lot of stuff.  It was nice to see some new blood.  A lot of old guys bought some stuff here and there.  Some dude from Indiana, I think, bought quite a bit - almost all of your smaller size watches.  A guy named Skip, who looks kind of familiar, bought lots of wristwatch parts.  I think I've seen him at auctions or at the flea market.  I don't know if any of the jokers from the flea market will show up on Saturday.  We'll see, I guess.

I spent a bit of time talking suicide with a guy named Dave.  He bought your buffer, one of your cleaners, and a bunch of watches.  He is retired Air Force.  I guess he asked how you died, and I was honest.  I know you would hate that I'm sharing your business, but I'm not ashamed of you or of your choices.  I'm sad that I couldn't change your mind about anything - our need for you, your reactions to things, seeking help, etc.  But you made your choice and if it helps other people to choose differently if I talk about it, then I will talk about it.  He was saying that the neurologist called in a counselor, who asked him about suicidal thoughts, and he admitted to having them.  Then they asked if he had guns.  But he's a gun collector, so he wouldn't do that to his collection.  They even called his wife, who told them they were off base.  He said that if he got to that point, he'd just take all the medication they gave him.  I told him that he was needed, and that he shouldn't give in to the thoughts.  He took home some projects and wants your friend to show him how to do some minor repairs.  I hope that he enjoys working with the watches, and that some of your love for them and ability to keep them running bleeds through to him.  

I think we're pretty close in price to what you told me everything was worth.  Or maybe I'm way off your estimate.  Regardless, I held a lot of what you had deemed "the good stuff" back for S to decide what to do with later.  Maybe she'll have kids and pass them on.  Maybe she'll just adopt dogs.  I don't know.  But your friend said that I should be going home with an empty car tomorrow, so that will be a large weight off my mind.  On to the fucking baseball cards...

I signed up for a metalsmithing class at the university.  I think it will be fun to learn how to make jewelry.  Then I might melt down some of that silver that's all over the house and make things from it.  We shall see.  

Well, I have to go to bed so I can get up early and make the 2 hour drive again tomorrow.  My BIL came down to help - I got him a hotel room, but I didn't want to leave S on her own.  I was going to make her come with me tomorrow, but there's really nothing for her to do.  So she's free, except for household chores.  And going to the library.  My BIL was amazed at the atmosphere of the watch guys.  He's never seen anything like it.  My sister is working from Hawai'i for a month (sucks to be her, I guess 😕) so he has free time anyway, and he misses doing the shows that he did for 20 years as a photographer.    I'm exhausted...

Love,

A

Gulf War Syndrome

 Dear John,

I was watching a show called Diagnosis on Netflix.  The New York Times has a doctor who writes a column about people who have undiagnosed illnesses, and then tries to crowd-source for a diagnosis.  It was episode 3.  A middle aged Hispanic man was losing his mental acuity.  They talked a lot about how his memory was bad; he wasn't able to keep his job.  He had inflammation in his brain that was expanding.  He was a veteran who had served in the Gulf War.  

Once they added the information about his service, a bunch of people weighed in with a diagnosis of Gulf War Syndrome.  They spoke with the leading researcher of Gulf War illness, and she was speaking about brain inflammation.  I was angry and sad, because you were working so hard to push towards getting some investigation into inflammation in your brain, and you just ran into roadblock after roadblock.  Seems like they give away MRIs like candy to everyone else, but you were never able to have anyone prescribe one for you.  Would you have seen the lesions that this man has?  Maybe I should have demanded an autopsy.  I don't even think they have a medical examiner here any more - I just saw that one of the CSIs had to go halfway up the state for an autopsy the other day.  Sigh - it doesn't make any difference in the long run.  There is no treatment available.  

Anyway, back to the show, because the man had only been in the Army for 8 years, he didn't think about GWI.  He never pursued VA care.  But after the show, he did get VA care.  He was diagnosed with and being treated for PTSD.  Looks like they're being a little more generous with that diagnosis now.  You could never get them to admit that you had PTSD.  He's at least getting disability, I think, which is good because he couldn't work.

Meanwhile, I got the bill from the EMS from the day you died again last week.  I had sent it to the VA for payment through Community Care.  They hadn't paid it in a year.  I called the VA today - they could tell me, but not the EMS billing, what the problem was.  Turns out, the billing company submitted the bill with your birthdate wrong - they had it as November instead of January.  The VA can't give out your personal information, apparently.  Sounds like they are contract workers too.  It was weird.  The EMS billing company will resubmit it and maybe get paid someday.

Then I got transferred over to ChampVA - I got a notice around January saying that they had paid for coverage for all of 2022.  That's funny, since I sent in my application in about August and never heard anything from them again.  I called a couple months ago, and they said "your application was just processed today!"  They said the same thing today.  S's application still hasn't been processed, I don't think.  It's fine, I guess.  I have 180 days once they send out my paperwork to submit claims for past services.  Turns out I can submit claims from the day you received your disability certification.  So it looks like I get to go through 10 years worth of healthcare to see what I can get repaid for.  Once S's stuff is done, I can get repaid for her stuff too.  She actually has all those bills from her doctor.

I also took the car in for an oil change.  

I'm selling one of your watches (at a discount) to one of my online friends that you used to complain about.  I know you wouldn't really approve, but I think she will appreciate it more than most people.  It's for her husband, who seems like a nice guy.  Maybe I'm just being passive aggressive, by doing something you wouldn't like.  Hard to say.

Love,

A

Distance

 Dear John,

A year is a strange marker.  There are no more firsts of things I'm doing without you any more, really.  I'm fine on my own, of course.  I'm a capable adult most of the time.  But having you to second guess me all the time made me more certain of my decisions, if only out of stubbornness.  Now, I have doubts.  But, because I'm me, I still shrug it off and figure I can pick up the pieces if things go wrong anyway.

But I feel a strange distance from you now.  Your presence is not hanging over everything.  I think of how you would not let S do all the driving around that she's doing.  But I want her to have experience in navigating in familiar territory before she ventures into the unfamiliar.  I mean...it doesn't really matter, as she relies completely on Google maps.  But I want her to gradually get used to traffic before she goes off to college. I think of how you would react to all of her drama with boys - you'd probably just laugh at her, tell her to take petty vengeance, or to stop talking to boys because she's not allowed to date.  I think that you would be unhappy that she's managing the soccer team and is staying so late at school a couple times a week.  But when I think of that, I don't think I'm letting her do the wrong things.  I'm just doing them differently than you would.  Will it work out?  I don't know.

Some of the pine trees are looking rough.  Not sure what's going on with them, but I spread a bunch of iron around the one that looks the worst.  I hope that helps.  The Arbor Vitae that you put at the front corner of the house (and braced with old Christmas tree lights 😂) is also browning a bit and also got some iron.  I do not need tree removal in my life.  I do need to take out that juniper in front of the window.  Your mom offered your brother's and/or brother-in-law's services to pull it out.  After the run-in with the village, I have sprayed roundup on the ornamental grass in front.  Most of it seems to have died out.  I don't care if it looks terrible.  Let the HOA suggest some improvements.  Speaking of which, after taking a pause on collecting dues last year (due to the overflowing coffers), the HOA has also given me a bereavement pass this year too.  I'll take it.  I will have to leave work early to attend the annual meeting.  It's at your favorite Mexican restaurant, so I hope I will get better food than at the usual place.  S says they serve the same stuff at her concessions stand as they do at that restaurant.  If nothing else, I should be able to get some queso and chips.

Tomorrow, I need to make phone calls that I've been procrastinating on.  I need oil changes for both cars.  I have to harass the VA, as they never paid your ambulance bill for the day you died.  I have to harass the VA for the medical care they said I was approved for all of last year - still haven't received any paperwork on that.  I have to go to Lowe's to get some more wasp spray - they're creative this year and are building their nest underneath the front door.  I'm lazy and don't want to do any of this, but there's no one else.  But maybe S's cruise credit will come through, and I can book my second cruise of the year - this time to Alaska.  

Missing you always...

Love,

A

Vacation

 Dear John,

To distract your daughter from the anniversary of your death, I took her on a cruise to the Caribbean.  We left out of Puerto Rico, and traveled from there to St. Thomas, St. Kitts, St. Lucia, Barbados, Antigua, and St. Maarten.  You would never have gone on a cruise, because you were convinced that you would get sick from the food.  Well, as predicted, S got sick from the food.  Poor kid got a terrible case of food poisoning, and saw none of Barbados or Antigua.  She missed out on her snorkeling adventure.  She missed out on our hiking/beach tour.  In a way, it was good, because she needed a break from my bestie's kids - they were starting to drive her crazy.  But she was miserable for about 36 hours.  We did take a catamaran ride in St. Maarten, which she loved.  We picked up a cheap pendant in the expensive jewelry store chain on every island.  We bought a lot of t-shirts and a couple hats.  We had a nice dinner every evening, and ate a lot of steak.  

S is so much like you - irritated with me when I don't have every second planned and don't know everything in advance.  She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out - she wants a plan and the plan should be very precise and preferably perfect.  I tend to get the broad strokes accomplished, and fill in the details as they happen.  I don't think she will ever really enjoy my style of vacation planning, so I don't see us doing much traveling together.  I have booked her senior trip to Italy and Greece - she said something about me going with, but...that's not my scene.  Sharing rooms with strangers and tour buses and stuff?  Pass.  That's for the young and adventurous.

I was frequently sad on the trip - it's hard to go places without you calling me all the time (not that you would have been able to on the cruise anyway).  It's hard to hear you say "I told you so" in my mind.  It's hard that you're not there to comfort S when she's experiencing things the way you would.  It's hard when the fun time I planned turns out to be not so fun.  I feel inadequate and disappointed.  Probably because I'm not up to conquering the world as easily as I could with your help.  I can't even decide if I should do the car maintenance - I know you would have skipped it and done some research to show that X doesn't need to be done until (future date) and Y is just nonsense.  But I don't know these things, and I'm not sure where you found your info, so it seems like spending the $300 is a better option.  Even though 90% of the service is "inspect."  Sigh...

I am currently exhausted because our return trip from Puerto Rico was ridiculous.  Our original flight was reasonable, so, of course, they canceled it almost immediately.  They rebooked us on a flight that left before our cruise docked.  I was finally able to find a flight that we could take, but it involved an overnight layover at JFK.  We were dropped at the airport at noon, and I was hoping to check our bags and maybe go back out into town.  But they don't let you check luggage until 3 or 4  hours before the flight, and we were there 8 hours early.  Then our flight got delayed until 10:45 pm. We almost didn't even make it to JFK - the pilot was about to time out for the day, if we hadn't gotten into the air.  Of course, that shortened our layover, so that was fine.  But then I had to go and pick up the dogs, and drive us home.  It's now the next day, and I'm still so tired from the lack of sleep since Sunday.  Once S gets home from managing the soccer game today, I will be going straight to bed.  I went to work for 5 hours and then had to take the rest of the day off.  Tomorrow is my work from home day, so that's good news.  Maybe by Thursday, I won't be such a zombie.  We shall see.

Love,

A

Ramblings on an anniversary

 Dear John,

Well, it's been a year.  A year without you.  A year of handling everything.  A year of being the one who listened to all the school gossip.  A year of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  A year in which I have not really decided anything.

I have had lots of ideas lately.  I think of buying a little building and turning it into a store to sell all your shit.  And mine.  And maybe my BIL's photos that he still has in stock, since he's not doing shows any more.  I guess I'll see how the  watch show in May goes - if I still have a lot of watches left, I will think more seriously about it.  My sister said she would organize wine and cheese nights to drum up business.

I think about volunteering.  I've stopped walking dogs at the Humane Society.  Not because of our dogs, but because I'm old and cranky.  I'm old, and the big old doggies who are so happy to be out of their kennels are getting to be a little too much for me to control any more.  I fell 3-4 times last year before I stopped going in November.  And I'm cranky because I felt unappreciated.  S and I went there probably 45-48 weeks a year for 5 years (with that Covid break in the middle), and yet no one knew who we were when we would come in.  No one cared that I would make sure every dog got walked, instead of just my favorite dog.  No one cared that I was the only volunteer regularly marking the board to let them know who had been walked.  No one cared that I brought in laundry detergent every time it was on sale at Walgreen's.  No one cared that I tried to make friends with the really damaged dogs and often succeeded.  I didn't need a party or anything, but for that kind of commitment to go totally unnoticed is really annoying.  I did tell them I would work an event in April, but I suspect they won't even contact me about that either.

But I was talking to my friend the other day about what I'm going to do once I retire, and I mentioned I needed to find a new place to volunteer.  She does taxes for the elderly.  I don't want to do that, but I said that I am good at filling out forms, and she thought there would be a need for that for seniors.  I thought low income people could also use the help.  I was workshopping some names, while she was putting together a whole business plan in her head.  I wish you were here - you were always good for a pithy nickname.

I don't know how S is dealing with this anniversary.  Right now, she's out being the manager of her school's girls' soccer team.  I've provided a lot of distractions for her, but haven't spoken to her about you.  She doesn't ever want to actually talk to me, though she will text me.  I don't know.  She also mentioned that a year and 2 days ago was when she stopped being friends with green teeth (as you liked to call her supposed friend that didn't like to brush her teeth - see? Pithy nicknames.  Also, the ability you had to detect problematic people from the outset is greatly missed.)  That girl has been harassing S for the entire year - I suggested that she call her out.  Her counselor didn't seem to approve, but didn't really say anything.  So, I regrouped and suggest that S tell her school counselor that the girl is bullying her.  She has a screenshot from one of her friends about how the girl is talking about S to others.  Anyway, it's quite a week for her.  We did get some entertainment, though - the soccer game is the "Pink Out" game for breast cancer.  S got a hoodie from the coach - the graphic on it is HILARIOUS.  It uses the pink ribbon as a letter - the intent was for it to be an I, but the way it's located...  It looks like it says KOCK.  And one of my friends pointed out that there is also a soccer ball on the design, so we have KOCK and ball.  I couldn't stop laughing at it.

I went to the cemetery today - I got some flowers for you.  Normally, I just lay the cut flowers across by the headstone.  But I didn't like how that looked, so I ripped most of the stems off and then shoved the flowers into the ground.  Maybe that will make them live a little longer.  I think I'll bring scissors next time.  I did not picture myself as someone who would make plans for the next time she visited the cemetery, so...thanks for that, I guess?

As you know - this is also the anniversary of my mom's death.  You were stunned by the 03.23.13 date, and that her number on the buzzer in her building was 23.  You should've waited another year to round out your numerology, buddy.  I'm disappointed in your lack of foresight.  03.23.33 would have been even better.  😠

That ring you gave me to wear as a wedding band has lost several more of the stones.  I hope they're not real diamonds.  If I ever find my engagement ring, I might take all of this stuff to a jeweler to have it made into something new.  What did you do with that ring, anyway?  Surely it's in a safe somewhere in this house.  But I've been through them a couple times and I haven't found it yet.  Of course, it took me a full day to figure out how to open your watch safe and that was after 9 months of looking for the key, which was exactly where you said it was.  SMH - I'm useless sometimes.

As usual, I miss you.  It's getting better, but it's still pretty terrible.  

Love,

A