FFS

Dear John,

I got Covid.  3+ years of avoiding it, and I'm pretty sure I got it on the flight back from vacation.  I knew I should have been wearing a mask.  That was dumb.  I can hear you saying "I told you not to travel."  So far, S is not sick.

Last night, I was running the a/c down for the night.  The dogs and I were in bed, and I heard something making noise in the a/c unit.  So I got the flashlight, and went outside to see if something had fallen in.  Note: I do not like the new a/c unit's top - too much stuff can get in there.  I didn't see anything other than the usual leaves and pine needles.  Then I looked at the top cover again, and a slightly degloved mouse was stuck in there.  I was wearing your Crocs, took a step forward to get a closer look, forgot that there were retaining wall stones there, tripped, fell, and scraped the hell out of my right leg.  

I hope all this rather unfortunate stuff means that I have exhausted my bad luck, and that I will now win $1 billion in the Powerball and Megamillions drawings.  I think I deserve it after that bunch of nonsense.

Love,

A

Vacation

 Dear John,

You would have loved Alaska.  You would have wanted to move there immediately.  It was remote and quiet and peaceful.  I would not have enjoyed it much - I like being close to shopping.  But I spent a bit of time on our cruise picking out the spots where you would have liked to live.  

You would never have gone on a cruise, but we had a fantastic time.  With my oldest sister and her husband along for the ride, we laughed and danced and took many photos.  They harassed me on my birthday - making me stay up until midnight and then singing to me as we walked through various floors of the ship.  It was really obnoxious, but also hilarious.  You know I hate to have a fuss made on my birthday, but they did it anyway.  They even told our waiters at dinner, so they brought me a cake and sang to me.  I'm not sure what language it was - Indonesian maybe?  

We got to see a lot of wildlife - bears on the side of the road, eagles as plentiful as...well, they said pigeons, but I'll go with robins, sea lions on every buoy, whales - humpbacks and orcas, otters, more bears.  Even a banana slug.  It was a wonderful trip.  I would now like to do the land and sea tour.  We also took an e-bike trip through the national forest.  You would have laughed at me the whole time.  The brake handle was a little too short, so almost every time I hit the brake, I also hit the throttle.  I almost fell off several times, but managed not to damage myself, the bike, or anyone else.  It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed the pedal-assist.  I need it for the hills at home!  Or maybe I'll just take the bike on the trail, and not worry about the hills.

S had a good time - she didn't get sick this time, which was a bonus.  She was kind of tired of being around all the adults all the time, I think.  But we got a room credit that she could use for internet, so she was still able to be in contact with all of her friends.  She was a little irritated that we didn't have time to visit Forks, WA - she did devour all of those ridiculous Twilight books and make us watch all the movies multiple times.  She says she's not still into it, but...  I said that maybe next summer we'll take a driving tour of the Pacific Northwest - maybe drive from Seattle to San Francisco.  She could bring a friend.  We'll see how that works out.  

We did get to spend a little time in Seattle too.  S was over it all by then and just wanted to get home.  So, she sort of enjoyed the Space Needle, and didn't really care about Pike Place Market.  I wish she would have had more patience - we could have gotten some lunch at a cute cafe or something.  Instead, we ate Wendy's at the airport.  And she made us go through security twice - because she ordered Starbucks from the wrong location.  Our first trip through security was reasonable.  Our second trip through took almost an hour.  We had time to kill, so it wasn't a big deal.  

My aunt came and watched the dogs while we were gone.  It was nice to have someone at the house, so I didn't have to worry about all the stuff.  She also did some yard work and most of my small cabinet project that I was going to do.  You had a little parts cabinet in the garage - it has 21 drawers, all of which were falling apart, and a hinged top for the small vials.  I was going to glue all the drawers back together, but she took care of that for me.  Now, I have to fix the top, and maybe sand and stain and seal it.  We'll see if I get that far.  The wood is pretty soft, so it won't stand up to vigorous sanding.

While we were parked at the airport, it looks as though someone backed into the car with their trailer hitch.  The left front fog light has been knocked back into the car and the front bumper is caved in a little.  I don't know if there are security cameras, so I emailed the parking lot to see if they have any record.  I'll have to get it fixed, but it's just beyond my capabilities.  Maybe.  We'll see how much it costs before I decide if I want to try it myself.  It will involve jack stands and getting under the car, though.  

I caught a little cold or something on the way back home too.  I left work early, and took extra time today - I'm only doing my 7.5 hours of teleworking and taking the other 5 hours off.  I'm feeling a little better today.  Yesterday I tried giving blood but my heart rate was elevated (I had been running up and down the stairs), and apparently I'm just old enough and fat enough to get rejected.  But my temp was also slightly up then and I was starting to feel a little weird.  In the end, it's a good thing they kicked me out.  I still get the gift card for trying.  I'll try again next time.  Anyway, by the time I got home, I was a bit feverish and starting to get the chills.  I took a nap, and then went to bed on time too.  

If you could do something to stop the cars that S is driving from getting damaged all the time, I would appreciate it.  I know it's you not approving of how much she's driving.  But we live in the suburbs, and this is how kids in the suburbs do things.  They can't walk or bike for miles to get to their friends.  Her friends pick her up occasionally too.  She's mostly driving to the gym and to work.  She will be an excellent driver by the time she goes to college, so I won't have to worry about her.  You're supposed to be watching out for her, not making her feel guilty.  So...do your actual job of protecting us, not the John version of "school of hard knocks."😡That job doesn't stop because you're not around any more, you know.  If there's an afterlife, you still have responsibilities and I expect you to uphold them.  And no, I will never stop yelling at you.  

Love,

A

$$$$$

 Dear John,

Welp, we got a new car.  It's really a foolish purchase.  I don't need 2 cars and S could definitely live without one.  But I'm used to having full access to my car all the time.  And I want her to have a social life, which means a car in this area.  

The old car had at least $1000 worth of repairs needed.  Brakes, oil change, battery (how is the 10 year old original battery still working?!), side mirror, and then there was the air bag light that came on, which is what prompted the purchase.  No way I was paying to diagnose that, especially since it was probably a battery issue.  Do I feel bad for sticking the dealership with that car?  Well, I did, until the salesman was telling me how they were actually losing money on my sale.  Um...I doubt that.  He gave me some story about selling to a fleet with a $6000 profit the day before, which lets him give good prices to regular people.  Sure.  Invoice price was almost $3000 less than I paid, and they threw in some aftermarket plastic floormats.  OK.  I will check their website to see if they actually do the repairs or just send it to auction and let it become someone else's problem.  S was supposed to clean out the old car before we traded it in, but she left all your Johnny Cash CDs in there.  Our salesman actually dropped them at our house.  That was nice of him.  Now I have to go do some internet stalking to see how far out of his way he went.

They aren't making the Maxima any more.  And they didn't have any new ones.  All the ones they had were being driven by staff.  I almost bought a used one with 8000 miles.  But the insurance would be more, and the one I bought has a heated steering wheel.  That's really the only feature I wanted.  S is now driving my Maxima.  I have the new car.  I'm not excited about it for two reasons.  First, it's my first major purchase in 20 years that I've made without your input.  You liked to take the new cars and push them to their limits.  I enjoyed watching you enjoy the cars we've bought.  It feels pretty empty without you.  Second, I just don't really care about it.  I've been excited about the last few cars that we bought and super happy with the ones I bought before we were together.  But this is just...blah.  There's nothing else on the market I want either.  You would never have bought this car.  It's the higher end version of an Altima, and you always said the resale value suffers in comparison.  I hope to keep this one until it's time to buy electric.  Or maybe I'll buy something else in 3 years, and send this one to college with S.  

We're headed off to our Alaskan cruise soon.  I'm glad my aunt will come and watch the dogs (and therefore, the house) for us.  I worry about her driving so far, but I think she's looking at it like a vacation.  I am certain she needs the money I will be paying her, but she won't let me help her otherwise.  When her dog was sick, I told her to let me know if she needed help with the vet bills.  I thought she was going to break down when I offered.  She's very independent, so I'm sure she'll be fine.  Worst case scenario is that S and I have to drive her home.  

I was afraid the refrigerator stopped working today.  Every now and then, it just shuts itself off VERY ostentatiously.  Like, it's always making some kind of noise, and then, suddenly, it's absolutely silent.  I don't know why.  But it's still running.  I hope it keeps going.  I'm pretty fond of it.  Also, I don't want to spend another $1000+ for a new one right now.  I also need a new grill.  I suppose I could just buy burner covers so as not to char my food when cooking, but that style is obsolete and I'm sure there are more parts decomposing.  Sigh.  Do I need 5 burners?  No, but the smaller ones are ridiculously small.  The blu-ray player is acting up too.  Those are getting harder to find.  I need you here to find me the best deals.  

Your daughter just ran in with 3 minutes to spare before her curfew.  She has been trying my patience on that score.  It's nice that she's hanging out with friends.  But she thinks there are no rules.  And several of her friends live in questionable areas.  She's smart, and doesn't invite trouble, so that's good.  

I guess your brother and his family went up to see your sister in Michigan.  If nothing else, your death seems to have brought the rest of them closer.  I couldn't see your brother driving that far for vacation under any other circumstances.  

I had a sex dream about you the other night.  I really wish you were here for the real thing.

Love,

A

Summer vacation

 Dear John,

S and I made our annual trek to my sister's house.  This time, it was mostly for me to go and see The Cure with my bestie.  You would get so mad at me for listing her instead of you as my best friend.  But you were my husband - that's closer than a best friend.  Anyway, we went out for dinner and then went to the concert and it was everything I expected and more.  I was able to recapture much nostalgia from my teen years.  They played the songs that made me think of you, as well as my favorite songs and some new music.  It was an incredible show.

We also visited a friend from work and her puppy as usual.  We got to see my nephew's new apartment.  We did our usual shopping.  We walked the dogs a lot.  My other friend's husband fell off his neighbor's roof and broke his femur.  I took some food over for her and the girls.  We had to come home early, though, so S could go to work.  I'm not sure why she feels compelled to go to work all the time - she's mildly obsessed with building up her bank account.

While we were there, we drove around the campus of one university and took a tour of another.  The tour was OK - it gave S a start in considering what size school she would like to attend.  She was concerned that university was religious; she thought they would be trying to force their religion onto her.  My sister was supposed to go with us, but she had to work - it's her alma mater, and she would have been very enthusiastic and very obnoxious.  Instead, as we passed the DEI office, our tour guide spoke about all the clubs and other LGBTQ-friendly activities, and then asked "do you have any questions?"  I, of course, responded "Many, but I will keep them to myself for now."  She looked confused, as if she'd never considered the conflict between a Catholic university and LGBTQ-friendliness.  It is a very nice campus, and the school is pretty good.  S enjoyed the tour but doesn't appreciate that I have expanded her choices, as she often suffers from decision paralysis.

Meanwhile, I got a rejection letter from the VA for paying for the EMTs who came to the house the day you died.  First they rejected it for the wrong birthdate.  This time, and I thought I was going to lose my mind when I read it, they rejected it because you weren't transported, some other nonsense, IT WASNT IN RESPONSE TO A SUICIDAL CRISIS, and some other nonsense.  Seriously?!?!   I called Community Care, and they told me to call the patient advocates.  Unfortunately, I burned almost all your paperwork, so I didn't have the name of the guy you used to talk to.  But I called one of the guys at the local office.  He had me email the bill, and I sent your death certificate that says suicide right on it.  I hope he'll get it taken care of.  I could just pay the bill, but you know...principle.

Speaking of decision paralysis, I am apparently angry about car shopping.  The dealership where we got our last car called, texted, and emailed me this morning, because I was inquiring about trade-in value.  My reply started with "You all are relentless.  Call, text, and email."  I did identify our previous sales guy, who I spoke to later in the afternoon.  It seems as though my email was passed around for amusement.  I also stopped at another dealership while I was out the other day.  I told them that their website does not give adequate information about the cars - it just takes you from photo to photo while giving minimal information that I want to know.  The sales guy they sent me to basically went and found someone else to deal with me.  He was sort of helpful, in that he did the opposite of trying to sell me a vehicle.  He told me that electric cars are only good if you're never driving more than 100 miles.  The general view on battery charging - you know, the one I always refused to accept as true: don't let the battery run down or charge fully - is recommended.  He made a vague suggestion about an SUV, but then more or less walked me out.  I guess they do appointments for car sales now.  

S and I went to look at new cars.  I'm back to the same old place - you said you wouldn't buy another Nissan, but...I can't find anything else I like.  I looked at the Subaru WRX - we didn't even get in the car, because it felt like it was going to be too small.  I test drove a Kia - it was OK, but I hated the shifting.  Now I have to decide if I want a used Maxima (low miles, lots of extras) or a new Altima (more money, but even more extras).  It's exhausting, and I hate it.  But whatever...it must be done.  I don't want an SUV, though I should probably get one.  I would like a hybrid, but none of them have enough power.  I need a nap.

Love,

A

Maybe you are still out there?

 Dear John,

Yesterday, I was out shopping.  I went to my favorite junk store only to find that it is going out of business.  It was a place I would make an excuse to go to when visiting your grave - you'd be pretty unhappy with me for driving 30+ miles to stand by your grave for 5 minutes before going back home.  So I would wait til I needed gas (it's cheaper there), and stop by the store to see if they had any new random items that I might need.  It's been very annoying to get there lately anyway.  The JC Penney furniture store where we bought the couches for our first house closed a few years ago, and they're redoing the little plaza and moving things around.  It will now look like every other strip mall.  :/  Anyway, while I was there, I was thinking about how distant you seem.  How it's been so long since I saw you or talked to you.  Even though I miss you, it's not as intense most of the time.  It feels like you're fading in a way.

But then, S sent me a picture of the car dashboard on her way home from work last night - the airbag light is now on.  According to the internet, it might be due to a battery thing.  Since we're still working with an almost 10 year old battery, that's my guess.  But it may also be a spring or something even more expensive.  Anyway, if I didn't already have signs that it was time to trade in the car, that was it.  And none of the car dealerships around here seem to have anything I want, but there is a whole street full of them over past my favorite junk store.  So, maybe that's where I'm supposed to be shopping for cars - so I can have another excuse to stop by.  Maybe you're still directing my life in the only ways you can.

In spite of all the rust discoloring the top of your headstone, no one has removed the watch movement.  I found out that it's a custom to leave coins on the tops of veterans' graves, so maybe that's why.  I'm just surprised it's still there.  I hope it stays - it seems fitting to have a bit of your favorite hobby there.

I hate car shopping.  I will never feel like I paid a good price for a car.  I guess I'll have to figure out how to negotiate to the point where I don't feel like I've been duped.  (Upon reflection, that's what happened with my first two cars that I bought before you came into my life.)  Maybe I'm older and wiser now.  They can't get me on financing, anyway.  And trade-ins are getting good deals right now, since there's a shortage of good used cars.  Maybe it won't be horrible.  Who am I kidding?  It's already horrible.  Car sales people are stalkers and harassers. UGH.

I was just reading and responding to comments on an old post and realized that I forgot to tell you about the events when I was cleaning up the yard!  I had a full post about our wildlife and forgot to mention it.  The dogs were outside, barking their fool heads off, as usual.  I was walking by with a wheelbarrow full of branches, and yelling at them to be quiet.  Then I noticed that they were standing at one end of the patio and barking at the other side of the patio, instead of yelling at one of the neighbor dogs.  When I looked over, there was a very tense, rather large snake curled up under some of the columbine.  I know you would have done something different, but I just put the dogs back in the house and went back to trimming stuff, leaving the snake space to find his way out of there safely.  Of course, the last snake you killed WAS climbing up a tree, and I agree that having a snake fall out of a tree onto you is unacceptable.  So, if I do see this guy climbing trees, he's going to have a meeting with the hoe.  But for now, he can just find a way to keep to himself.  

Next time, I'll tell you about our trip to my sister's and the ongoing saga of me vs the VA.

Love,

A

I guess we're out of the loop

 Dear John,

I keep getting graduation screenshots from your brother's wife of your sister's kids' graduations.  I guess C is sending the livestream links to her.  I don't know who all she's sending the links to - your mom too, I think.  Maybe everyone but me.  The oldest has graduated from the School of the Art Institute, and the twins graduated from High School.  Not that I'm terribly worried about not being included - makes it easier for me to use my time more wisely at holidays.  S is still offended that your mother more or less thinks S is her cousin.  The other day, I told her that it was nice they had a good relationship when she was young, anyway.  She was not impressed.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead...I apparently woke up in The Godfather this morning.  No horse head in my bed, but there was a deer head on the front walk.  It was pretty small, so probably a fawn.  Also, there was poop near the head, on the driveway, and down the sidewalk.  I found it when I went out early to walk the dogs - the whole time I was walking them, I was laughing and saying "WHAT THE FUCK?"  When we got back, I looked across the lawn and saw a carcass - thought maybe it was just more parts from the deer.  I put the dogs inside, got the shovel and a rake and started cleaning up the carnage.  When I got to the carcass...it turned out to be an eviscerated rabbit.  Cue another round of WHAT THE FUCK?  Of course, I took pictures and posted them on Facebook.  I will refrain from adding them here though.

No one has made me an offer that I can't refuse, so I can only conclude that it was coyotes.

Dead animal total for this year so far: 3

It's a good thing I'm not particularly squeamish.  Old dog is constantly rooting around in the "garden" (you know, that place where you set aside a location to plant vegetables that is directly under a bunch of trees?  So nothing vegetable or flower-wise (except columbine) ever grows?  That garden.) and coming up with random bones.  I was looking at the strawberries yesterday, and I think there was a vertebrae of some sort in there.  

I cleaned the garage last weekend - I came out at one point and there was a lizard sitting just outside the garage.  He looked at me reproachfully, like I had just ruined his living room or something.  Sorry, little gecko, but you're not doing your job of keeping the garage bug-free.  I saw multiple centipedes in there the other night when I was taking out the trash.  I still have to clean and organize the third bay, though.

Speaking of centipedes, I found one in the fucking dishwasher last week.  I opened it, and saw something moving, so I closed it and got a napkin to smash whatever was in there (again, good thing I'm not that squeamish).  But it was sitting on the utensil tray, so I lifted the whole thing out, ran it across to the front door, and flung the little critter out onto the front porch.  He ran around in circles for a bit - I'm sure he was also saying WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!  A week later, S and I went out to walk the dogs, and there's a centipede crawling around on the first arch on the porch.  I can only assume that it's the same one and he lives there now.  

If this keeps up...I may have to move.  I am not down with being the neighborhood killing field and bug sanctuary.  

6 more days til I get to see The Cure.  

I wish you were here to fling dead animals into the trees instead of me.

Love,

A

Guardian Angel?

 Dear John,

I was talking to one of the new kids at work the other day about my crazy Wednesday.  She asked me if I believed in guardian angels or that sort of thing.  I said "Well, I don't know how much I *believe* it, but we've always said that someone was looking out for us when something terrible ALMOST happens."  And there were some coincidences that suggest that you're looking out for us.

I was on the way to the dentist, and noticed something weird about the car.  The only thing to check is the tire pressure screen, and, as I was watching, the front tire was losing air.  I calculated whether I could make it to the dentist, but I was not even close, and the next exit was the last one with services close by.  So I pulled off and went to the truck stop.  As I was ineffectually flailing around, getting the jack out, and trying to figure out where to put it, a lovely young woman came over and basically took over.  I don't know what it is about me, but people frequently help me when I'm clearly out of my depth.  It's not to say that I can't change a tire - I can.  It would just take me a lot longer than it did when she helped me.  She did say it looked like it was the first time I was changing a tire...but it wasn't!  She gave me a lot of tips, though.  As usual, I forgot to offer her money.  I'm absentminded in general, but it's so much worse when I'm flustered.  I went back the next day, but she wasn't there.  

Anyway, we're headed up for our annual vacation at my sister's in a couple weeks, so I assumed this was your way of telling me that I needed new tires on the car.  S was not very happy with me, as she lost free access to the other car for about 36 hours.  Fortunately for her, I was able to get new tires Friday morning.  I think, when I got in the car on Wednesday, the song I most associate with your death was on the radio.  So, yeah, do I believe?  It's not logical, and there's no proof, but in general, I sometimes feel like you're talking to me in the only way you can.  

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and they offered the $60 photo shoot of the back of my eye.  The incentive was that I wouldn't have to be dilated.  Of course, I said "Dilation is free!  I'll go with that."  I feel like I may have failed one of the other tests, as the young man who was doing the preliminary tests called me back out and told me that I got a free session out of them.  Then again, it may be that the eye doctor was not interested in the time involved in dilating my eyes.  Anyway, the young man and I went on to have a wide-ranging discussion covering things like pizza, Chicago, New York, and music.  Anyway, eyes are fine, so that's good news.

S and I went shopping after that - we stopped to visit your grave.  The rusty old movement that I left on your headstone after the watch show was still there.  Someone had put a flag on your grave too.  I assume that was your brother's wife.  Or maybe your mom.  Anyway, I assume they're having some sort of Memorial Day event, as there were a lot of new signs up, making streets one way and no parking on on one side of the road.  We also saw 4 deer.  And S noticed that a local landmark is visible from your grave.  

Back to my sisters, they had a star named for you for the anniversary of your death.  And my oldest sister got a commemorative brick installed at the park by her house.  You may have gone there once, but S and I were frequently sending you calls and photos and videos from there.  We'll go see it when we head up next month.

I picked our vacation date this year because I got tickets to see The Cure.  I don't know how I'll hold up when they play Pictures of You or Lullaby or Boys Don't Cry, but I'm still excited to go.  I'm taking my best friend - we went to see them when we were 17.  It was a great concert then, and from all reports, it will be a great concert now.  

I'll be thinking of you.

Love,

A

It's not unusual?

 Dear John, 

By the time I met you, I had quite a bit of experience with loss.  My mom's father died 10 years before I was born.  My dad's mother died when I was 4.  My dad's dad lived until he was 98 - I was 13 when he died.  Not long after, at my dad's uncle's wake, I was exposed to The Family Look.  Mom popped her gum as we were standing around, and my aunt gave her the most withering stare I had ever seen.  I thought my mother was going to drop dead on the spot.  At my dad's wake a few years later, we laughed and laughed about it, after making sure Mom didn't have any gum.  

4 years after my dad died, my last remaining grandparent, mom's mom died.  Just before I left Chicago to move with you, my dad's oldest sister died.  A few years later, it was my uncle.  Thus, I was prepared when you were acting a bit off after your dad died - on the day of his wake, you suddenly decided to dye your hair, which you had previously let go grey.  Except you started too late and didn't let it set long enough, so it was a weird sort of purple instead of brown.  You were unprepared for loss - the only people in your life that had died were your grandfather, who you only saw once or twice a year, and a grandmother to whom you weren't close.  On top of that, you were already slightly estranged from your family.  You couldn't handle the cancer diagnosis and couldn't watch him decline at the end.  You were there while he was undergoing treatment, but once he was near the end, you withdrew.  Within a month, your grandmother was gone too - which cemented your withdrawl from your family.  You didn't even go to her funeral.  And then my aunt, deliverer of The Family Look, died next.  

A couple more years and it was my mom.  9 years to the day before you.

Another aunt.  Another uncle.  Then you.

I'm starting to think that maybe I might be...unlucky.

A

Unremarked

 Dear John,

Thursday was our 20th anniversary.  Technically, we didn't make it to 19.  Realistically, the only reason we usually noticed our anniversary was when we received a card in the mail from your mom's friend.  I don't know why it was so hard to remember the date.  There was a lot of consideration on my part in choosing the date.  We picked the days to go to Key West.  We arrived on the 8th, and needed to get a marriage license.  We couldn't get married on the 9th - it was a coworker's birthday.  The 10th was out too - it's my nephew's birthday.  The 12th - my cousin's birthday.  We were leaving for home on the 13th.  That left the 11th.  And yet...I could never remember the date without careful consideration.  You never remembered anything like that.  I'm surprised that you remembered my birthday, but if I remember correctly, that only started once I refused to celebrate it.  Suddenly, it became important to you.  

Speaking of which, after offloading all your watch stuff, I decided that S and I are taking the Alaska cruise that I've wanted to do.  We're going the week of my birthday.  My oldest sister is talking about coming with us - I hope she decides to.  S thrives when she has adults who love her around.  I am looking forward to it.  When we traveled, you wanted to stay close and only be gone for 3 days or less.  So we got to see a few out of the way places.  That Botanical Garden up north was really nice.  And Memphis was fun - we managed to stuff quite a bit in while we were there.  But I wanted to go to completely different places, and you couldn't do it.  

My aunt may be coming to watch the dogs.  It will be good to have a housesitter too.  I haven't seen her in a while. 

S is almost done with another school year.  She has been complaining about all her honors/AP classes.  I am going to have to crack down on her, because her main focus is social activities.  Then work.  Then looking at stuff on her phone.  Then maybe school.  I don't want to overload her, but at the same time, she has to plan for her future.  It's very frustrating.  We shall see.

Your sister-in-law asked if I had any voice recordings of you.  I sent her a couple (from your phone, which is still connected.  For $10, I don't see the point of getting rid of the line).  Today, I found the digital voice recorder, and all the files of S as a baby and toddler talking with you and telling stories.  It was good...and sad...to hear your voice again.  

I had to cut back trees today.  The ornamental plum likes to overhang the walkway.  That's fixed - for me, anyway.  Tall people may still have issues.  The maple tree in back is probably irritating the lawn guys.  I cut a bit off of that too.  I thought the knock-out rose was dead, and wondered how that could possibly have happened.  Knock-out roses are almost impossible to kill.  Turns out it was only half dead.  I trimmed a lot of dead branches, and then dragged them to the back.  Got a couple scrapes from the thorns.  I planted a couple bushes too - a raspberry and a mock orange.  I'm not sure if either of them will survive.  But there was a good storm, so the rain should help.  

S broke up with her second "boyfriend" in a few months.  She's not dating - just "talking."  Whatever that means.  Now I have to hear her talk about it all the time.  It's kind of exhausting.  But I'm glad she's having these low-stakes encounters.  It will help her figure out what she wants in the future.  

I guess that's everything.  You're all caught up.  Miss you much...

Love,

A

End of an era

Dear John,

The watch show started today.  I sold A LOT of your watches - well, to be fair, your friend sold a lot of your watches.  Many of them went to that Tom guy that you refused to deal with any more.  He bought 117.  I feel like it was not up to your standards, but to some extent, I don't care.  I really just want the stuff gone.  But it was reasonable, so I went with it. There was a young guy from Texas who bought a lot of stuff.  It was nice to see some new blood.  A lot of old guys bought some stuff here and there.  Some dude from Indiana, I think, bought quite a bit - almost all of your smaller size watches.  A guy named Skip, who looks kind of familiar, bought lots of wristwatch parts.  I think I've seen him at auctions or at the flea market.  I don't know if any of the jokers from the flea market will show up on Saturday.  We'll see, I guess.

I spent a bit of time talking suicide with a guy named Dave.  He bought your buffer, one of your cleaners, and a bunch of watches.  He is retired Air Force.  I guess he asked how you died, and I was honest.  I know you would hate that I'm sharing your business, but I'm not ashamed of you or of your choices.  I'm sad that I couldn't change your mind about anything - our need for you, your reactions to things, seeking help, etc.  But you made your choice and if it helps other people to choose differently if I talk about it, then I will talk about it.  He was saying that the neurologist called in a counselor, who asked him about suicidal thoughts, and he admitted to having them.  Then they asked if he had guns.  But he's a gun collector, so he wouldn't do that to his collection.  They even called his wife, who told them they were off base.  He said that if he got to that point, he'd just take all the medication they gave him.  I told him that he was needed, and that he shouldn't give in to the thoughts.  He took home some projects and wants your friend to show him how to do some minor repairs.  I hope that he enjoys working with the watches, and that some of your love for them and ability to keep them running bleeds through to him.  

I think we're pretty close in price to what you told me everything was worth.  Or maybe I'm way off your estimate.  Regardless, I held a lot of what you had deemed "the good stuff" back for S to decide what to do with later.  Maybe she'll have kids and pass them on.  Maybe she'll just adopt dogs.  I don't know.  But your friend said that I should be going home with an empty car tomorrow, so that will be a large weight off my mind.  On to the fucking baseball cards...

I signed up for a metalsmithing class at the university.  I think it will be fun to learn how to make jewelry.  Then I might melt down some of that silver that's all over the house and make things from it.  We shall see.  

Well, I have to go to bed so I can get up early and make the 2 hour drive again tomorrow.  My BIL came down to help - I got him a hotel room, but I didn't want to leave S on her own.  I was going to make her come with me tomorrow, but there's really nothing for her to do.  So she's free, except for household chores.  And going to the library.  My BIL was amazed at the atmosphere of the watch guys.  He's never seen anything like it.  My sister is working from Hawai'i for a month (sucks to be her, I guess 😕) so he has free time anyway, and he misses doing the shows that he did for 20 years as a photographer.    I'm exhausted...

Love,

A

Gulf War Syndrome

 Dear John,

I was watching a show called Diagnosis on Netflix.  The New York Times has a doctor who writes a column about people who have undiagnosed illnesses, and then tries to crowd-source for a diagnosis.  It was episode 3.  A middle aged Hispanic man was losing his mental acuity.  They talked a lot about how his memory was bad; he wasn't able to keep his job.  He had inflammation in his brain that was expanding.  He was a veteran who had served in the Gulf War.  

Once they added the information about his service, a bunch of people weighed in with a diagnosis of Gulf War Syndrome.  They spoke with the leading researcher of Gulf War illness, and she was speaking about brain inflammation.  I was angry and sad, because you were working so hard to push towards getting some investigation into inflammation in your brain, and you just ran into roadblock after roadblock.  Seems like they give away MRIs like candy to everyone else, but you were never able to have anyone prescribe one for you.  Would you have seen the lesions that this man has?  Maybe I should have demanded an autopsy.  I don't even think they have a medical examiner here any more - I just saw that one of the CSIs had to go halfway up the state for an autopsy the other day.  Sigh - it doesn't make any difference in the long run.  There is no treatment available.  

Anyway, back to the show, because the man had only been in the Army for 8 years, he didn't think about GWI.  He never pursued VA care.  But after the show, he did get VA care.  He was diagnosed with and being treated for PTSD.  Looks like they're being a little more generous with that diagnosis now.  You could never get them to admit that you had PTSD.  He's at least getting disability, I think, which is good because he couldn't work.

Meanwhile, I got the bill from the EMS from the day you died again last week.  I had sent it to the VA for payment through Community Care.  They hadn't paid it in a year.  I called the VA today - they could tell me, but not the EMS billing, what the problem was.  Turns out, the billing company submitted the bill with your birthdate wrong - they had it as November instead of January.  The VA can't give out your personal information, apparently.  Sounds like they are contract workers too.  It was weird.  The EMS billing company will resubmit it and maybe get paid someday.

Then I got transferred over to ChampVA - I got a notice around January saying that they had paid for coverage for all of 2022.  That's funny, since I sent in my application in about August and never heard anything from them again.  I called a couple months ago, and they said "your application was just processed today!"  They said the same thing today.  S's application still hasn't been processed, I don't think.  It's fine, I guess.  I have 180 days once they send out my paperwork to submit claims for past services.  Turns out I can submit claims from the day you received your disability certification.  So it looks like I get to go through 10 years worth of healthcare to see what I can get repaid for.  Once S's stuff is done, I can get repaid for her stuff too.  She actually has all those bills from her doctor.

I also took the car in for an oil change.  

I'm selling one of your watches (at a discount) to one of my online friends that you used to complain about.  I know you wouldn't really approve, but I think she will appreciate it more than most people.  It's for her husband, who seems like a nice guy.  Maybe I'm just being passive aggressive, by doing something you wouldn't like.  Hard to say.

Love,

A

Distance

 Dear John,

A year is a strange marker.  There are no more firsts of things I'm doing without you any more, really.  I'm fine on my own, of course.  I'm a capable adult most of the time.  But having you to second guess me all the time made me more certain of my decisions, if only out of stubbornness.  Now, I have doubts.  But, because I'm me, I still shrug it off and figure I can pick up the pieces if things go wrong anyway.

But I feel a strange distance from you now.  Your presence is not hanging over everything.  I think of how you would not let S do all the driving around that she's doing.  But I want her to have experience in navigating in familiar territory before she ventures into the unfamiliar.  I mean...it doesn't really matter, as she relies completely on Google maps.  But I want her to gradually get used to traffic before she goes off to college. I think of how you would react to all of her drama with boys - you'd probably just laugh at her, tell her to take petty vengeance, or to stop talking to boys because she's not allowed to date.  I think that you would be unhappy that she's managing the soccer team and is staying so late at school a couple times a week.  But when I think of that, I don't think I'm letting her do the wrong things.  I'm just doing them differently than you would.  Will it work out?  I don't know.

Some of the pine trees are looking rough.  Not sure what's going on with them, but I spread a bunch of iron around the one that looks the worst.  I hope that helps.  The Arbor Vitae that you put at the front corner of the house (and braced with old Christmas tree lights 😂) is also browning a bit and also got some iron.  I do not need tree removal in my life.  I do need to take out that juniper in front of the window.  Your mom offered your brother's and/or brother-in-law's services to pull it out.  After the run-in with the village, I have sprayed roundup on the ornamental grass in front.  Most of it seems to have died out.  I don't care if it looks terrible.  Let the HOA suggest some improvements.  Speaking of which, after taking a pause on collecting dues last year (due to the overflowing coffers), the HOA has also given me a bereavement pass this year too.  I'll take it.  I will have to leave work early to attend the annual meeting.  It's at your favorite Mexican restaurant, so I hope I will get better food than at the usual place.  S says they serve the same stuff at her concessions stand as they do at that restaurant.  If nothing else, I should be able to get some queso and chips.

Tomorrow, I need to make phone calls that I've been procrastinating on.  I need oil changes for both cars.  I have to harass the VA, as they never paid your ambulance bill for the day you died.  I have to harass the VA for the medical care they said I was approved for all of last year - still haven't received any paperwork on that.  I have to go to Lowe's to get some more wasp spray - they're creative this year and are building their nest underneath the front door.  I'm lazy and don't want to do any of this, but there's no one else.  But maybe S's cruise credit will come through, and I can book my second cruise of the year - this time to Alaska.  

Missing you always...

Love,

A

Vacation

 Dear John,

To distract your daughter from the anniversary of your death, I took her on a cruise to the Caribbean.  We left out of Puerto Rico, and traveled from there to St. Thomas, St. Kitts, St. Lucia, Barbados, Antigua, and St. Maarten.  You would never have gone on a cruise, because you were convinced that you would get sick from the food.  Well, as predicted, S got sick from the food.  Poor kid got a terrible case of food poisoning, and saw none of Barbados or Antigua.  She missed out on her snorkeling adventure.  She missed out on our hiking/beach tour.  In a way, it was good, because she needed a break from my bestie's kids - they were starting to drive her crazy.  But she was miserable for about 36 hours.  We did take a catamaran ride in St. Maarten, which she loved.  We picked up a cheap pendant in the expensive jewelry store chain on every island.  We bought a lot of t-shirts and a couple hats.  We had a nice dinner every evening, and ate a lot of steak.  

S is so much like you - irritated with me when I don't have every second planned and don't know everything in advance.  She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out - she wants a plan and the plan should be very precise and preferably perfect.  I tend to get the broad strokes accomplished, and fill in the details as they happen.  I don't think she will ever really enjoy my style of vacation planning, so I don't see us doing much traveling together.  I have booked her senior trip to Italy and Greece - she said something about me going with, but...that's not my scene.  Sharing rooms with strangers and tour buses and stuff?  Pass.  That's for the young and adventurous.

I was frequently sad on the trip - it's hard to go places without you calling me all the time (not that you would have been able to on the cruise anyway).  It's hard to hear you say "I told you so" in my mind.  It's hard that you're not there to comfort S when she's experiencing things the way you would.  It's hard when the fun time I planned turns out to be not so fun.  I feel inadequate and disappointed.  Probably because I'm not up to conquering the world as easily as I could with your help.  I can't even decide if I should do the car maintenance - I know you would have skipped it and done some research to show that X doesn't need to be done until (future date) and Y is just nonsense.  But I don't know these things, and I'm not sure where you found your info, so it seems like spending the $300 is a better option.  Even though 90% of the service is "inspect."  Sigh...

I am currently exhausted because our return trip from Puerto Rico was ridiculous.  Our original flight was reasonable, so, of course, they canceled it almost immediately.  They rebooked us on a flight that left before our cruise docked.  I was finally able to find a flight that we could take, but it involved an overnight layover at JFK.  We were dropped at the airport at noon, and I was hoping to check our bags and maybe go back out into town.  But they don't let you check luggage until 3 or 4  hours before the flight, and we were there 8 hours early.  Then our flight got delayed until 10:45 pm. We almost didn't even make it to JFK - the pilot was about to time out for the day, if we hadn't gotten into the air.  Of course, that shortened our layover, so that was fine.  But then I had to go and pick up the dogs, and drive us home.  It's now the next day, and I'm still so tired from the lack of sleep since Sunday.  Once S gets home from managing the soccer game today, I will be going straight to bed.  I went to work for 5 hours and then had to take the rest of the day off.  Tomorrow is my work from home day, so that's good news.  Maybe by Thursday, I won't be such a zombie.  We shall see.

Love,

A

Ramblings on an anniversary

 Dear John,

Well, it's been a year.  A year without you.  A year of handling everything.  A year of being the one who listened to all the school gossip.  A year of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  A year in which I have not really decided anything.

I have had lots of ideas lately.  I think of buying a little building and turning it into a store to sell all your shit.  And mine.  And maybe my BIL's photos that he still has in stock, since he's not doing shows any more.  I guess I'll see how the  watch show in May goes - if I still have a lot of watches left, I will think more seriously about it.  My sister said she would organize wine and cheese nights to drum up business.

I think about volunteering.  I've stopped walking dogs at the Humane Society.  Not because of our dogs, but because I'm old and cranky.  I'm old, and the big old doggies who are so happy to be out of their kennels are getting to be a little too much for me to control any more.  I fell 3-4 times last year before I stopped going in November.  And I'm cranky because I felt unappreciated.  S and I went there probably 45-48 weeks a year for 5 years (with that Covid break in the middle), and yet no one knew who we were when we would come in.  No one cared that I would make sure every dog got walked, instead of just my favorite dog.  No one cared that I was the only volunteer regularly marking the board to let them know who had been walked.  No one cared that I brought in laundry detergent every time it was on sale at Walgreen's.  No one cared that I tried to make friends with the really damaged dogs and often succeeded.  I didn't need a party or anything, but for that kind of commitment to go totally unnoticed is really annoying.  I did tell them I would work an event in April, but I suspect they won't even contact me about that either.

But I was talking to my friend the other day about what I'm going to do once I retire, and I mentioned I needed to find a new place to volunteer.  She does taxes for the elderly.  I don't want to do that, but I said that I am good at filling out forms, and she thought there would be a need for that for seniors.  I thought low income people could also use the help.  I was workshopping some names, while she was putting together a whole business plan in her head.  I wish you were here - you were always good for a pithy nickname.

I don't know how S is dealing with this anniversary.  Right now, she's out being the manager of her school's girls' soccer team.  I've provided a lot of distractions for her, but haven't spoken to her about you.  She doesn't ever want to actually talk to me, though she will text me.  I don't know.  She also mentioned that a year and 2 days ago was when she stopped being friends with green teeth (as you liked to call her supposed friend that didn't like to brush her teeth - see? Pithy nicknames.  Also, the ability you had to detect problematic people from the outset is greatly missed.)  That girl has been harassing S for the entire year - I suggested that she call her out.  Her counselor didn't seem to approve, but didn't really say anything.  So, I regrouped and suggest that S tell her school counselor that the girl is bullying her.  She has a screenshot from one of her friends about how the girl is talking about S to others.  Anyway, it's quite a week for her.  We did get some entertainment, though - the soccer game is the "Pink Out" game for breast cancer.  S got a hoodie from the coach - the graphic on it is HILARIOUS.  It uses the pink ribbon as a letter - the intent was for it to be an I, but the way it's located...  It looks like it says KOCK.  And one of my friends pointed out that there is also a soccer ball on the design, so we have KOCK and ball.  I couldn't stop laughing at it.

I went to the cemetery today - I got some flowers for you.  Normally, I just lay the cut flowers across by the headstone.  But I didn't like how that looked, so I ripped most of the stems off and then shoved the flowers into the ground.  Maybe that will make them live a little longer.  I think I'll bring scissors next time.  I did not picture myself as someone who would make plans for the next time she visited the cemetery, so...thanks for that, I guess?

As you know - this is also the anniversary of my mom's death.  You were stunned by the 03.23.13 date, and that her number on the buzzer in her building was 23.  You should've waited another year to round out your numerology, buddy.  I'm disappointed in your lack of foresight.  03.23.33 would have been even better.  😠

That ring you gave me to wear as a wedding band has lost several more of the stones.  I hope they're not real diamonds.  If I ever find my engagement ring, I might take all of this stuff to a jeweler to have it made into something new.  What did you do with that ring, anyway?  Surely it's in a safe somewhere in this house.  But I've been through them a couple times and I haven't found it yet.  Of course, it took me a full day to figure out how to open your watch safe and that was after 9 months of looking for the key, which was exactly where you said it was.  SMH - I'm useless sometimes.

As usual, I miss you.  It's getting better, but it's still pretty terrible.  

Love,

A

Hauntings

 Dear John,

Should I be attributing this stuff to you?  So far:

The shower curtain that I put up after I had those stupid, mold collecting shower doors removed has fallen at least 3 times.  How many times have the other shower curtains fallen?  Upstairs bathroom: 0  Downstairs bathroom: 0

The piece of fascia that came off the side of the house - there is absolutely no reason that should have blown off.  None. 

All the music I hear messages from - I always know it's you.  

The misbehaving fireplace - seems as though I will need to get that thermostat replaced.  The furnace came on twice last night.  That hasn't happened since the last time S. turned the fireplace temp down to 60.

And finally, my painting that blows over every time I open the windows.  I suppose I could put it somewhere not near the window.  Maybe I'll hang up all my artwork downstairs.  I almost have enough to fill the wall by the pool table.  

Hmm...probably just all random coincidences.

It's 12 days short of a year since I last saw you.  I still miss you every day.  I used to say I wouldn't miss you when you were gone.  I mostly meant that you were going to outlive me, but I didn't quite factor in your actions.  While there are certain things I don't miss...your daily presence in my life is definitely not one of them.  

Love,

A

Maybe that feeling is called foreboding?

 Dear John,

I don't know why I'm feeling weird lately - today I thought I was going to burst into tears for no reason at all.  One day last week, I was super anxious...about nothing.  Probably my mind/body is telling me that the anniversary is going to be rough.  I've done all I can to prepare for it, so I guess I'm gonna have to ride this out.

I invited your watch friend up to view your collection.  He helped me organize some stuff - he's doing that show in May that I signed up for.  He's going to come back next month to help me with pricing.  He was very nice - and he brought his whole family up to help too.  They were also very nice and helpful.  He bought some of the parts - I feel like he paid a lot for what he got, but then, I don't know what that stuff should go for.  I know that if I were to sell it piece by piece, I'd make more money.  But I am not doing that.  

I think you know I always find some kind of entertainment in any kind of experience - even if I'm laughing at how mad I got about something.  So, here's my mental entertainment of the week.  For the second time in less than a year, someone introduced me to their parents as "this is my mom and dad."  The first time was at work - one of the DNA people, who is really reserved, said "Oh, this is my mom, dad, and sister."  I let there be just enough pause to be awkward, and then said "Do they have NAMES?!"  I don't know if she found it funny, but her mom and dad laughed and gave me their names.  This time, your watch friend just introduced his parents as Mom and Dad - when they were leaving, I said to his mom "What's your name?  I mean, I can call you Mom, but he (watch friend) never mentioned your name."  She laughed and told me that I could call her mom (but also gave me her name).  It was a good note to send her off on, though - she was pissed at her son and daughter-in-law for treating her like she was not useful when we were carrying stuff out of the basement.  (But she's in her 70s!  And has a bad back!)  I showed his dad a picture of you, and he said he thought he remembered meeting you at the Flea Market.  He's a clock guy, and I sold him that Mermod Jaccard clock you had in the garage.  I'm glad it's going to a good home.

Watch friend also said that one of your former regular customers would be at the show.  I mentioned that you had stopped dealing with that guy, because he wasn't reliable or honest.  I look forward to having to deal with all the jokers that you refused to sell to.  It's fine though - I need to lighten the load.  Today, I put stickers on all the bags for all the watches, so I can price them and know what I should ask for them.  

We're also preparing for our vacation.  I'm glad we're going with my bestie - she's helping me immensely through this whole process.  I wish you had a better concept of friendship - I think you had people that would have supported you through all of your trials, but you thought it would make you appear weak and they would stop respecting you.  But they came to you for advice - it would have made them feel good to be able to return the favor.  We were friends, but I think you would have been better to have discussed some of your feelings with other men, so you could see that it wasn't just you.  You seemed to think, though, that all of those relationships had to be transactional.  Maybe it's because you didn't have any leisure-time hobbies that you could share with others.  You always picked solitary activities.

Your friend the electrician has checked in with me a few times.  I like him - he's a good guy.  He sent his oldest off to join the military, and I think your experience has made him torn about it.  He wanted to talk to you about it, and about his mom's stuff.  And so many other things.  Ah, well...yet another missed opportunity.

I did manage to file the taxes, file for the property tax exemption (no more proof needed!  I can just send in the form now!  That seems kind of terrible that they make the vets jump through hoops, but not their widows.),  and deposit the watch stuff money from the weekend today.  I'm sure the IRS will send me a correction as usual.  I couldn't do state taxes online, for some reason.  I think it's because of the amount of our AGI from last year.  I did S's taxes too.  I made her watch, but I doubt she paid any attention.  

We've had a few storms lately.  One of them blew a piece of fascia off on the garage side of the house.  Of course we don't have a ladder tall enough for me to reach to put it back.  I could go up on top of the roof and get it that way.  I haven't decided if I want to do that or if I want to just pay someone to do it.  They could clean out the gutter on the back of the house, too, because I am certainly not doing that.  I might check with the guy who power-washed the house.  He does that kind of stuff too.  

Well, it's about my bedtime.  I now use TikTok videos to put me to sleep, instead of listening to you tell me about your day in the stock market.  It works, but it's not nearly as effective.  

Love,

A

Valentine's Day

Dear John,

A Hallmark holiday.  Not worth noting.  You should tell people you love them every day, not just on a made-up holiday - your take on Valentine's Day.  I still bought the smallest Valentine hearts full of chocolate for you and S every year - well worth the $1.  Because you still smiled and appreciated the thought.  This year, they're $1.24.  

 It's been 10.5 months since you left me.  It feels like only last week though.  You know what the hardest part is?  Grocery shopping.  I go up and down the aisles and see things that you would like to eat.  For a split second, I think I should buy them, and then I remember that you were the only one who liked it, and we have no need of those items.  Every aisle is a reminder.  I don't feel like eating anyway, and S is either eating chicken nuggets at work or going out to eat with her friends.  I cook stuff, and no one eats the leftovers.  I don't cook and feel guilty that I'm not taking care of S properly.  She appreciates when I cook, but she's still in the mode where she will grab a convenience food instead of heating up a bowl of homemade soup.  I guess I should prompt her to eat the things in the refrigerator when I'm at work and she's home on her own.  I'm going to make Chinese tonight.  She might eat those leftovers.  

It's time to do the taxes.  That should be depressing.  Next year, I won't have any write-offs, so I may end up owing money.  I guess I should change my withholding, but I don't know what I should claim.  My sister's friend did our taxes last year.  Poor guy was thoroughly confused by our 3 year saga of shenanigans.  Since he's an accountant, I thought he would be more thorough about your stock trading stuff, but he looked at it and...just did the same thing you always did.  He said that your election option was usually done by companies who have specially trained accountants on staff to keep track of it.  So, now I can just do that too.  This will be the first year that S has to do taxes.  I will make her do her own, so she can learn early.  

I think she might have a boyfriend.  She keeps hanging out with this boy, Mikey (Miguel).  He's in her science class.  When they switched seats for the new semester, he picked her to sit with him.  I guess she helps him study, but also, she went to pick him up and go out twice this week.  I looked him up in the yearbook - he looks like every other fluffy-headed dingbat in her class.  She tells me nothing about anything, though.  I keep asking and she keeps deflecting.

I finished inventorying all your complete watches.  There are almost 400.  I'm going to the show in May.  But I also thought about buying a little shop around here, if I can find one cheap, and selling all your stuff there.  Tractors, watches, my craft nonsense.  There was a place right on the main road for sale, but I think they finally got the business next door to buy it. My sister said I should do it, and sell her husband's photos too.  It's a thought for a post-retirement activity.  I think we know how well I do with customer service, so it would definitely be an adventure.  "Buy it.  Or don't.  Either way, stop bothering me." Guess I'll peruse Zillow some more and see if anything interesting pops up.

As usual, I miss you.

Love,

A

The tea

 Dear John,

I forgot to tell you about your mom!  It seems there was a leak in her basement window, and the basement got quite a bit of water in it.  It must have been sitting for some time, because mold developed.  I think she discovered it just before Christmas - E's husband took care of the leak.  E took the opportunity to round up a dumpster and start cleaning out the basement.  You were always wanting to get a dumpster and throw all her stuff away - this would have been the best Christmas present for you.

I guess all the girls went over the day after Christmas to sort through stuff and throw things away.  C didn't make it down - I guess there was a blizzard where she lives and they decided against travelling.  I offered to let them stay with us, though I am glad she turned me down.  You know how your family thinks that the 30 minute drive to our house might as well be in Chicago or Canada.  Anyway, some of the junk has been tackled.  Finally.  

It seems your oldest niece had a vision of you.  You were at your mom's house, and everyone was there to share a meal.  She saw you there in the kitchen, and sitting across from her.  You were radiating happiness and laughed along with everyone.  No one could see you, except your niece.  She said you joked around with her in the way you normally would.  And then you put your arm around your mom and comforted her.  She said you wanted us to know that you were watching over all of us, and were with us in all our moments - happy and sad.  She also said you were wearing a brown sweater and jeans.  I sent her a copy of the photo from her mom's house from the year she was born - the one I have on my nightstand...where you're wearing your brown cashmere sweater.  I wear that a lot now - it has holes, but I only wear it at home.  She said that it was the exact sweater in her dream.

Then a couple days later, your SIL K said she had a dream that she was talking to your dad.  She said that he said someone is missing a key and that it was in a little brown box.  It was shoved in a box in a closet or basement or something.  The funny thing is, I had a hard time finding the key to the watch safe.  I did finally find it, in the basement, in a corner of the closet.  Not in a brown box, but I think there was one in the closet.  Too bad G was only a couple months late in sharing that info with K!  I found the key early in December.

Your daughter is trying to manipulate me - she takes after you in thinking that I'm a pushover.  She wants to drive to school once or twice a week.  She would use it as an excuse to pick up her friend and stop at Starbucks on the way to school.  I offered her a deal that she could drive the car 3 days per week, 2 destinations per day.  That would include working on the weekends.  It was a generous offer - she could earn extra destinations by doing chores.  She could gain an extra day by petitioning the school to offer sharing or parking spaces.  She did not care for that deal, and seemed mad that I would even suggest it.  She told me I was acting like you.  I had to remind her that, regardless of what she thought, you and I were on the same page on a lot of issues.  We might fight over the details, but the overall philosophy was the same.  She still refused the deal - she thinks that if she manages the girls' soccer team, I will have no choice but to let her drive to school.  She doesn't know how I react when people tell me I have to do something...

I think I've caught you up on all the gossip...

Love,

A

52

Dear John,

Tomorrow would be your 52nd birthday. S and I will be getting a cookie cake to mark the day - aside from your mom's cream puffs, which she would always make for your birthday, cookie cake was your favorite. S wants the cake to read Deez Nuts, because she's a teen who thinks she's hilarious. I told her you wouldn't approve, but her argument was that you would think it was funny if YOU said it. That's probably true.

I have to go to court for work tomorrow. It's in the town where your sister lives. It's not far out of the way, so I will make a stop by the cemetery on my way back to work. Since I have to leave the state to do so, I can't take the state car. While you wouldn't approve of me using my own car for a work function, you would approve of taking the opportunity to get cheaper gas. So I guess it's a wash on that score.  

I don't even know why I keep going to the cemetery. I never went to visit my parents' graves...well, maybe once after my mom died. I know that only your body is there. If there is such a thing as a soul, yours would certainly not be hanging around there.  And yet, I feel compelled to keep going.  I guess I feel closer to you there, in that space.

I keep hearing Free Fallin' by Tom Petty on the radio - I feel like you speak to me through songs. Music was sort of our thing - you were always testing my knowledge of songs and artists.  The first gift you ever gave me was a Portishead CD.  I thought it was because you recognized that I liked them, but in reality, you got an extra free one with your Columbia music free trial.  You would play music to drown the ringing in your head. It used to annoy me beyond measure - I didn't want to hear blasting metal music when I was trying to watch TV or a video on the computer. Now S does it. I like silence. Unless I'm in the car.  

Your family, OTOH, is very much talking about birds as messengers. I saw a huge hawk out back the other week. It was on a tree in the cemetery and I could see it pretty clearly from 100 feet or more away. Then, a couple days later, we came home and there was a tiny hawk (maybe a falcon?) across from the garage. She was having a little snack out there. I wasn't able to get a photo of her, but I did get a picture of the remains of her snack. It looked like maybe a mourning dove. You used to tell me the mourning doves who would visit were my mom, coming to check on me. You thought the cardinals were maybe your dad or your grandma (or sometimes my mom). Even your sister K sent me a text to tell me that my hawk sightings were not coincidental - she said she's seen a lot of hawks since you've been gone.  They squawk at her a lot, so it makes sense that she associates them with you.

I hear that your aunt is in hospice care.  I don't know that I spoke to her more than once or twice.  She seemed nice - I don't think you much cared for her.  I know you actively disliked her husband.  She apparently has cirrhosis of the liver.  I am speculating on that, though there's no one I can ask how that came about.  Remember when your cousin's wife blocked me on Facebook because I argued with her about Covid being a government plot?  Good times.  She came to your funeral.  I didn't have much to say to her.  I think she spends a lot of time away from home, since her daughter and the grandkids are mid-state instead of up north.  

Anyway, I hope you are...I don't know...celebrating your birthday this year, for a change?  I am quite happy that you were born, and that I got to spend 20 years with you.  I wish we could have had more.

Love,

A

Incidentals

 Dear John,

Just got back from Aldi - you would have a stroke to see the prices of things these days.  $4 for a dozen eggs?  It wasn't that long ago that they were $0.78.  Might as well buy the organic free-range ones for $1 more.  Inflation is a beast.  But, we eat roughly 1/2 as much as when you were here, so the grocery bills haven't changed all that much.  

I keep trying to cook fatty meat in the oven.  You know what that means - the smoke alarm goes off every time.  Today it was a package of bacon.  Usually the max temperature is 450 degrees, but I guess that changes if there's too much fat.  Guess I will stick to the microwave for bacon, and the grill for steaks, because the oven is not cooperating.  And I definitely will not be turning on the broiler.  I will have to give it a good cleaning too, to make sure that there is no buildup on the oven walls.  I would use the oven cleaning setting, except that I know that too will set off the smoke alarms.  Maybe in spring when I can open all the windows...

S keeps telling me stories about her Spanish teacher.  I'm a little uncomfortable with how disrespectful S is being.  But since the teacher seems to regularly imply that she is stupid (I believe she called S "slow" in front of the class, which she is definitely not when it comes to school work and learning), I have a hard time justifying making S be more polite.  Anyway, the relevant story this week is that Senora R was widowed.  And within a year she had remarried.  They can't agree where to live, because she doesn't want to have to drive 45 minutes to work (from his house), and her house is too small for him and his kids.  But I am just astounded that one could move on so quickly.  I know people grieve differently, but here I am, almost 10 months later, still thinking of how you would appreciate this story or that movie or this dish I'm going to make.  I can't even work up the energy to go out and socialize with people, let alone meet someone new, date them, and decide to marry them.  I guess I'm really a Victorian when it comes to mourning.  A full year of staying home, with another 6-12 months of the minimum amount of socializing, and then maybe I'd be ready to...not move on, but at least not wish you were there with me all the time (or, ya know, waiting for me at home, if I'm being realistic).  I'm not going to do any dating anyway, but within a year?!  That's just crazy to me.  

I spent New Year's Eve with friends.  I really wanted to cancel at the last minute.  And I didn't really want to be there the whole time.  But it was good for me to go out instead of staying at home, alone, moping.  

We do have the cruise to look forward to - only a couple more months.  I think my sister's wedding was the last time I was on any kind of real vacation.  Well, maybe that weekend trip to Memphis counts.  Wisconsin doesn't really, but only because I didn't really want to go there.  

Your birthday is coming up.  Maybe that's why I'm feeling extra sad lately.  

Love,

A