Saturday, December 6, 2008

Doubts and fears

It occurs to me that I haven't really covered the reasons why I fear secondary infertility. First, obviously, the primary infertility experience was such fun that I'm in a hurry to take my chances again. Even though the eventual end result is wonderful, the path to get there was fraught with disappointment, grief, and fear.

My second issue is that I was on a protocol of heparin and aspirin. So, after 9 weeks of injecting heparin twice a day, I developed a rash at my injection sites. I was still with Dr. Bad Karma at the time, and since she had sneered at the protocol, I did not even bother consulting with her about the rash. Dr. A. switched me to Lovenox, which also gave me a rash. So, Dr. A. said that I could just stop the injections - I had come far enough. On the plus side, I had a whole bunch of unused medicine to donate back to my clinic for someone who was not getting their meds covered by insurance. On the minus side, I don't know if this is a long-term allergy, or just an annoying side effect. I don't have any allergies to pork or anything like that, which is what Dr. A. and Dr. B. said would develop if I had a true allergy. But, I could not tolerate 10 weeks of constant itching from the hives if they developed again.

My third issue is my age. I am 39. I am now at the point where I will be considered over 40 as far as child-bearing goes (in case you didn't know, they count the age when you deliver - as if you didn't get it from all the Advanced Maternal Age crap they write all over your chart, they must add insult to injury). I'm not sure why they do this, since my eggs are only 39 and they won't be getting any older if they actually turn into a fetus. But, I didn't go to medical school so what do I know? I have certainly learned in life that applying logic to most situations is downright useless. Anyway, due to my advance age, I don't know if I would get pregnant as easily as we did in the past. My husband certainly takes that for granted, but he hasn't been reading infertility blogs...

I know that all my testing gave every indication that I have the reproductive system of a 30 year old, but who knows what has happened in the past 3 years. I know that I haven't developed an allergy to pork (where they develop heparin), but who knows if that's what triggered my hives. I know that even if I don't have a reaction to the heparin, there is no guarantee that it would work the same way again. All in all, too many unknowns exist for my comfort.


  1. I'm so sorry, it's understandable what you are going through. It's also highly likely if a treatment worked once, it should again. Here's hoping for the absolute BEST!!

  2. It's a tough thing, to wonder about going through it again. I'm not there but how could you not be fearful.

  3. I feel your anxiety. We're trying to decide what to do for our #2, too. I'll be 39...we're not even sure we should try. I've been so stressed out with #1.

    I don't know if this applies to you at all, but during my injections, I developed hives to Progesterone. I found that I got them when I started using a heating pad after the injection. As soon as I stopped the heating pad, they stopped popping up. Weird.