Thursday, January 22, 2009

In which I am disappointed and heartened at the same time

Email exchange between my husband and me this morning:

Me: I gave up caffeine for nothing, but at least I can finish that bottle of Merlot now...

Him: Damn it!

Just when I think I'm selfishly forcing what I want on my husband, he surprises me. He likes to tell me that babies are what I want. That he would be perfectly happy never having had kids. I know this is true, as I watch him constantly try to divest himself of belongings. To sever attachments so he is free. To travel to the ends of the earth, for a mission, yes, but also for the thrill of discovery. But then I see how quickly he fell in love with our daughter, and how he loves her now. I see that he is disappointed too. He usually keeps his feelings too close for me to tell what's going on (which is why I am frequently so irritated with him...I never know what he's thinking!) so I think that it is just me.

With our first pregnancies, there was no problem at all getting pregnant. I estimated my ovulation date, and we tried to make a baby. Whenever we tried, fertilization occurred. Two times out of three, there was no baby, but the beginning step was easy and always successful. Here we come to my main fear. How much work will it take to have another baby, and how far am I willing to go? I know that, since my eggs are already 40 (thanks for counting age at delivery, OB's of the world), I should not be expecting to get pregnant easily. But I do, because that's how it has been in the past. And each time I don't get pregnant, I have to confront the fact that there may be obstacles.

To date, I have been facing these facts alone. But today, even though I got that BFN, I know I'm not alone in my disappointment. I do have a companion on this journey, even though he pretends to send me along on my own. When we work together, we can really accomplish the things we want to do. (Um...well, as long as there are no issues about methods or who's in charge - since we're both a couple of stubborn know-it-alls). Thanks to my husband, even in my disappointment, I find my hope renewed.


  1. I've had similiar exchanges with my husband. It's like sharing a private joke, but the punchline isn't funny.

  2. It sounds like you and your husband make a great team and I hope are successful on this "latest" project. Best Always.

  3. Sorry for the bfn, but I'm glad you have such a great partner in your husband in this you're on.

    I also wanted to thank you for your always kind and thoughtful comments on my posts. It means a lot.

  4. Your DH sounds wonderful. I am always so thankful for mine. It seems like most of us have lucked out in that department (thank god for something).

    Thanks for all of your advice about my friend. I bought a card when I was out this morning, I am going to send it and just let her tell me what she wants or needs.

  5. I've been there, too. You have a lovely husband, and I'm sorry for the disappointment.

  6. Merlot?

    See, I knew there was a reason I like you :)

    So sorry about the BFN. I don't even pee on a stick anymore.



  7. How sweet those two little words were :) (and the exclamation point, of course!) I'm sorry for your bfn, so glad he gave you the support yo needed. ICLW.

  8. I'm glad your husband is supportive in that way. It means so much.
    As for your concern, the same thing happened to me this last time - took me 5 months to get pregnant instead of the 1 I was used to. I think your history will be on your side. It might take longer but I think you will get pregnant.

  9. I'm sorry. BFN suck. Merlot is very tasty. Husbands are good. And I am super eloquent today.