Happy Birthday

Dear John,

Tomorrow would be your 55th birthday.  It's the first year I didn't get a cookie cake in your honor.  I have your favorite chocolate chip cookies in the freezer - I made them for S before she went back to school.  I did get some eclairs though. They don't compare to your mom's cream puffs. Due to the expected weather, I went and put flowers on your grave last week.  Plus, the guy is coming to clean the fireplace tomorrow.  I hope.  

It's been super cold, so I have missed the fireplace.  The heat is fine, but it wakes me up every time it goes on.  On top of that, it snowed about 10 inches.  That's fun.  The snowplow took out the asshole neighbor's mailbox.  Remember when the snowplow hit ours?  They had a temporary one up before we even noticed and had repaired and reinstalled ours before the week was over.  I don't think they're going to do that this time - the current staff at the street department are nepotism hires and they're terrible.

Not sure why the picture is in that orientation.  Anyway, I survived another snowstorm without having a heart attack from shoveling.  Yay, me!  Our neighbor 2 doors down used his snowblower on the driveway, and the cold meant the snow was very dry and light, so it wasn't terrible.  I was actually using the leaf blower yesterday.

I know you would tell me it serves me right and dogs aren't worth it, but one of the boys has had major eye problems over the last couple weeks.  He got an ulcer on his eye, which was infected.  Then it cratered.  Then it ruptured.  Poor guy is totally blind now.  The vet wants to take it out, but he might not survive surgery and anesthesia might cause other problems.  But the dog is resilient, and so the rupture healed over, and now we'll just wait and see what happens to it.  

I've been selling some silver.  The world is so crazy that silver actually hit $100 the other day.  I should probably sell more but I fear the dollar will devalue and then I'll be broke.  I think you would be appalled at all the things that our government is doing right now.  But I am glad (sort of) that I don't have to hold you back from acting.  OTOH, I feel like you'd have been able to implement all of my terrible ideas.  Ah well, better that you don't have the stress of the volatility.  I hope it's nice and non-violent wherever you are.

There's a Robin Williams special on HBO - I was going to watch it today but didn't quite feel up to it.  I still have your picture with him hanging in our bedroom, even though looking at it sometimes reminds me of how you both died.  

Well, off to bed.  I'm exhausted. Wish you were here for warm snuggles and a birthday celebration tomorrow.

Love,

A

Mixed bag

 Dear John,

Last night, I was lying in bed, listening to an intermittent high-pitched, low volume whine.  It was driving me nuts.  I got up to find the source, because I was pretty sure it wasn't in my head.  I thought it might have been the refrigerator - it makes a lot of noises.  I got up to check, and that wasn't it.  I finally narrowed it down - it was the block for my phone charger.  I was really feeling bad about it, because your ears were constantly ringing (though the Army refused to acknowledge it) and wondered if I had contributed to your pain inadvertently.  Then I remembered that I just rearranged the bedroom and plugged the charger into a different outlet.  Previously, I would hear that once in a great while.  So it probably wasn't as bad as all that.  But still - I was not trying to make anything worse for you.

Today, however, I decided that what I really need to do is dig you up and reanimate you so I can kill you again.  I am so irritated with you right now!

Before S was born, I had a convertible.  While we were building the house, we lived in an apartment, and the garage was full of all our furniture from our previous house that we couldn't fit in the apartment.  So I had to park the car on the street, and then I had a car cover for the convertible.  It was about 6 years old then and had never lived outside the garage.  When we first started thinking about a baby, we traded the convertible in on a new Maxima.  You had always wanted one.  I liked it - 300 hp, comfortable, silver so it never looked dirty.  It was great.  

After S was born, you were on a cleaning rampage, and you were a big Craigslist user.  We got so many things from Craigslist and sold quite a bit too.  One of the things we decided to sell was the car cover.  A man came over to buy it, and we started talking to him.  We were discussing how we would play music for the baby at nap time.  It turned out that he was a music producer, and he came back later with some CDs.  One of the CDs was an Arvo Part CD.  I had no idea who he was, but we enjoyed the music.  A few years later, we were doing another cleanout, and I sold my CD player/stereo system at a garage sale.  A few months later, I found the Arvo Part CD case, with no CD, and you blamed me for leaving it in the CD player when I sold it.  You were all kinds of mad about it because you enjoyed it too.

This morning, I went downstairs to paint and turned on the stereo system.  I went over to the CD collection to find something to listen to while I painted.  I couldn't find anything I wanted in the left hand shelves, but I grabbed one of those travel CD sleeves we had where you could put your CDs in without the bulky cases and started flipping through.  About 2/3 of the way through, what do I find but the Arvo Part CD. :/  So all that time blaming me, and you were the one who relocated it to a mystery location.  ARGHHH!  But I listened to it today - it was nice.  Still wanna kill you though, despite the music being Da Pacem.

Aside from that, I had to send your daughter a bunch of warm clothes because she's freezing at school.  Her not-boyfriend took them up.  She then was asking me if she should have broken up with him before she left for school.  Sometimes, she's a dummy, because the answer was OF COURSE.  I got a bunch of baseball cards graded - none of them are worth much of anything.  I have one more group to send.  I probably need to send them soon, because I don't know that people will continue to have disposable income for much longer.  I am going to sell some of your silver, though.  It's at almost $50 an ounce, so you would be very pleased about that.  Off the check the spot price to see if I will get that done tomorrow.

Love,

A

I'm supposed to be reading

 Dear John,

My book is due at the library tomorrow, so I need to finish it.  But instead, here I am writing a note to you.  

First, the dog.  Poor Eddie is 13 and having a really rough year.  He got attacked by the neighbor's dog.  Then he got diabetes.  Then his cataracts bloomed and he lost vision practically overnight.  Now he's got glaucoma in one eye.  That dog is costing me a ton of money, which is why you would never have approved of having one.  I felt so bad for him when it became obvious that he couldn't see.  Then, with the glaucoma, the vet said it may come down to removing his eye.  I don't want that to happen - he has spent all of his time watching me since I got him, and it would be the most difficult thing for him to lose one of his big brown eyes.  So far, the medicine is working, though, so I hope it will be stable enough.  Meanwhile, he can't see, and apparently has no memory of the floor plan, so he's wandering around bumping into things.  It's so sad.  I ordered him an apparatus to help him detect when he's close to the walls and stuff, but I suspect he'll hate it.

Second, it's time to rearrange the bedroom.  There was an incident this evening and it involved a cricket (trigger warning for my friend Mel who hates crickets).  I was going into the bedroom and I saw something black on the floor right by the door.  So I turned the light on to see what it was.  It was a cricket.  This is about the 3rd one I've seen in the house this year.  I retreated to the kitchen to grab a paper towel to grab the cricket and smash it.  I went back, grabbed, smashed, checked the paper towel for cricket remains, and there were none.  So, I closed the door to see if it was behind there.  Your mom gave me some maps of Iraq that your dad made when you were stationed there the first time (I wonder if he was supposed to take those home with him - one would think they were being used in the conflict at the time.  But I don't know how Defense Mapping worked, so maybe it was fine?) - I kept them behind the door.  I moved the maps, and the cricket was there.  Along with a companion.  They were very slow crickets, so I was able to smash and grab them both.  But I saw the dust on the baseboard, and now I have to move everything and clean it thoroughly.  So I might as well rearrange things.  It's been the same way for 20 years, so it's probably time for a change.  The dog is going to be confused.  

Third, your daughter asked me to visit your grave and leave flowers for you.  She was pretty pleased when I made 2 bouquets from the one I bought - one was her school's colors; the other was the remaining flowers.  Not sure what was behind her request, but I was happy to accommodate her.  And you should also be subjected to all the school spirit stuff that she's very into right now.   On the school front, she's finally adjusting to being there.  She's getting good grades.  But the big news is that after not even 2 months, she's decided to rent an apartment with her friends.  I don't know how that will work out for her.  I told her that I would give her as much as I'm paying for her room and board this year.  Anything above that will be her problem.  (Anything less will be refunded to me.  😂😂😂)  I guess it will be good for her.  It will definitely be more space.  She'll have to learn to feed herself.  She'll get more privacy.  I told her to reach out to one of your sisters - she laughed at me because we really don't talk to that sister (K) much.  But K had some crazy roommates in college, so she would be a good resource.

Fourth, I started a pollinator garden.  The dead pine tree got removed, and the grass they planted was a terrible mix of things that mostly appear to be crabgrass.  There were a lot of bare spots.  So, I decided I'm going to throw a bunch of wildflower seeds out and see what pops up.  I got some fake rock edging - I wanted real stone, but since all the electric and cable wires run through there, I didn't want to dig.  I don't know how it will hold up.  Maybe by the time the plastic wears out, it will be S's problem.  I bought some milkweed and other wildflower seeds from LiveMonarch.com.  I hope we'll eventually get some Monarchs to stop by and maybe drop some eggs.  I also took out all the seeds we collected over the years.  I put most of them in the dirt, so I hope they will sprout in the spring.  But I have some that I will plant in seed starter and transplant out there next spring.  It will be a project.  It was good for me to haul all that dirt, though.  Enforced exercise.  S's boyfriend is supposed to come by with a chainsaw this weekend.  The cherry tree in back has some dead limbs that are a little too big for the sawzall.  I cleaned up the flower beds in front a little too.  I really need to move to condo where yard work is someone else's problem.  But I'm too cheap to pay monthly HOA fees.  Sigh...

Aside from that, not much else is going on.  I'm transferring Super 8 movies to digital files.  I've made it to 1968, so I have a couple more years to go.  The fam seems to be enjoying the things I've posted on FB.  We had a lively discussion about the dogs we had over the years today too, as a result of things I saw on one of the films.  No idea what's going on with your family.  I guess I'd better get back to my book.  I've got quite a bit to finish before tomorrow.

Love,

A

Happiness?

Dear John,

I saw a movie preview the other night and it really gave me pause.  The movie is called Eternity, and the premise is that a man dies and gets to choose his afterlife.  Coincidentally, his wife dies shortly thereafter too, and he assumes she will spend eternity with him.  But the wrench in the works is that she had a first husband who died in the war.  So, who will she choose?  There are A LOT of logical problems with this scenario.  But I was thinking about whether either of us would choose to spend eternity together.  And I don't know the answer to that.  Thus, perhaps, my preference for lights out, that's it, the end.  And yet, here I am.  Still talking to you.  

I went to visit your grave today, and, possibly due to that, I didn't have much to say.  I brought you some flowers from Costco - they were on sale, which you would appreciate.  All I had to say was that you needed to go and spend some time inspiring your daughter to have a better attitude about college and help her get her studying methods in order.  I guess it worked, as she called me this afternoon to tell me that she got cheap meds from the clinic (Ricola cough drops, and generic benadryl, sudafed, and mucinex for $5!  Total!) and that her calculus tutor was good, but her chem tutor is useless, so she'll have to find another option.  It was the first time in a week or so that she's been even remotely enthusiastic.  So, it's good that she's feeling better.  I hope that was your doing.

Aside:  I am currently watching House Hunters International, and these Americans are looking at houses in Melbourne.  The only non-annoying person on the show is the realtor (and you know how I hate realtors!).  After the wife bitched about the size of the oven for a second time, you could see the realtor getting irritable as she reminded her that it is standard size for Australia.  Then, as they were discussing location, the realtor gets on and says that the couple seems to be deliberately choosing opposite things they find necessary and she just wants to knock their heads together.  She REALLY doesn't like the wife.  Me too, random Australian realtor.  Me too.

One of my friends recommended a book to me.  It had a paragraph in it that made me immediately wish I could read it to you.  It said "Then I started to think about two things.  How people present versus who they are.  We all do it to a greater or lesser degree.  I once read that the secret to happiness lies in the gap between how one sees oneself and how others see us.  The smaller the gap between the two, the happier the person."  That struck me so hard - you were such a mass of contradictions.  When you were projecting confidence and knowledge, you appreciated when people would take you seriously.  But inside, I think you were never completely sure of yourself.  You had such self-doubt, so you imagined that when people would come to you for advice you imagined they were foolish for trusting you.  On the other hand, when you WERE sure of yourself, you would find that people ignored you (myself included, sometimes).  And so, when you did have confidence, others immediately undermined it.  How could you ever be happy with that kind of constant contradiction?  No wonder you couldn't find any enjoyment in anything.

I don't feel like this applies to me, because I'm pretty confident and I really don't worry much about  what other people think.  But you, with your concern about appearances, and your self-image that suffered from so much doubt - you craved external validation.  You wanted me to be a cheerleader, but I am, unfortunately, a realist.  But you took every failure and internalized it.  There would never be a time when the gap between how you saw yourself and how others saw you was close.  I think therapy would have helped you realize that your failures were a product of your willingness to take chances.  That your self-doubt should have been cured by your many, many successes.  Instead, you kept widening that gap until happiness was impossible to achieve.  Now, in my opinion, happiness is momentary.  Contentment is what you should seek, because that's longer-lasting and stable.  You wanted the highs, but found yourself far more entangled in the lows.  I guess you fell into the gap and couldn't find your way back out.

OK - enough of the serious stuff - I'm on my 3rd episode of House Hunters International.  Episode 2 was a couple who moved from Branson to Spain.  The wife was originally from Spain, but she weirdly sounded very much like that sister of yours I don't speak to, who, coincidentally, also lived in Branson.  Episode 3 was a dude from Canada and his wife who was, I think, originally from Fiji who were moving to Australia.  He was obsessed with being skinny.  Episode 4 is an American in the UK.  Should be entertaining.

OK, well I hope the deer have enjoyed eating your flowers.  I'll be signing off.  I'm going to visit my sister and the former foster dog on Friday.  Next week, I will probably go visit S and then maybe on to my other sister's.  I was going to stay for a week.  Then I thought I'd stay for 2 weeks and see S for her birthday on the way back home.  Now, I can't stay 2 weeks because I have CDs maturing.  The nerve of all this stuff infringing on my unscheduled time.

Love,

A

End of an era

 Dear John,

We went for a quick visit to my sister's this week.  It was a perfect time to go.  S goes away to school in a little over a week.  We got to go to the pool in my sister's town for the last time.  She used to live across the street from the pool, so we would go every summer.  It was a great wave pool, but the town said that the pool, as well as the park complex, has outlived its usefulness.  The last day was today (we went on Friday), and it will all be knocked down.  They've already redone the park where we spent a lot of our summer visits.  And as we were driving home, I was so sad that you wouldn't be here to greet us and hear all our stories.

We spent some time with your family as well.  S went to visit her cousins in Chicago for a weekend last month - she took the train by herself.  It was a great time.  She really connects with those particular cousins.  You would approve, as they're your next younger sister's kids.  I got to see the older cousin when we were there this weekend.  She's got about 5 different career paths going - I hope she finds one that will actually support her.  But she's a good kid, and I'm sure she'll figure it out.

We saw your mom - S got her a rosary when she was in Rome.  It's a Jubilee year, so IMO, all religious items are papally blessed!  Your youngest sister came by while we were there, and I gave her a few remembrances of you.  S doesn't approve.  She's not a fan of any of your sisters except the oldest, really.  But since that sister is the only one who reached out to ask, I did not see a problem with selecting some of your things.  I gave her things that are wholly sentimental and totally representative of you but not monetarily valuable.  She was fine with that, but didn't want your mom to even see what she had, because your mom already gave away something of hers to the sister I refuse to speak to.  I'm trying not to be angry about that, since there's nothing I can do.

We also saw your brother's wife.  She arranged for S to get a nice scholarship from a veteran's charity that she supports.  Well, she encouraged S to apply for it, and S was one of two applicants for 3 scholarships, so...  Anyway, we saw her to pick up the check.  S can use it for anything, so that's nice.  Your brother's wife said that he's becoming more like you every day.  More anxious, less social.  We talked a bit and ended up at "Man, it sure sucks when you have to admit that John was right about some things."  And your youngest sister regrets that she let you push her away especially when you were clearly right about some of the issues you all argued about.

This week will be busy as S gets ready to leave for school.  While I know I will be OK without her, that's probably because I know she won't ever let me actually be without her.  She has already said that she will call me every day.  I'm not sure if she will keep that up, though I know she will start off that way.  My sister's husband will be coming to help us with the move-in.  He's definitely not you, but I think S will appreciate having the extra support and help.  We're going to see my other sister to visit the foster dog.  She's got hang-outs scheduled for all her friends.  We're having a nice dinner on Friday.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

The only thing I'm looking forward to when S leaves is that I can get the house straightened out and then not have anyone come and mess it up.  I have given up for now, as she has all her things spread everywhere to get organized for school.  Also, she's going through her slob phase.  Hope she's gotten it out of her system so her roommate doesn't kill her. 

Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot this week.  Wish you were here for this transition - you in your early form, where you would have been excited to help S arrange things and glad to send her off to her future.  You were never really like that once she was born - it was all fear for her, all the time.  But the man I first met would have sent her off, complained about the expense, and been excited for all the challenges she would face.  I wish she had known more than a glimpse of him.

Love,

A

Communication

 Dear John,

I felt you were speaking to me through music today.  One song that makes me think of you came on in the car, and then when I got out of the car and went into the restaurant, the other song that makes me think of you came on.  Not sure if you're just popping in to say hi, or if there's something else going on.  I mean, I have some ideas for you, if you're looking for tasks.  None of them are ideas I should put in writing, so I guess I'll go with...I hope you're letting me know that you'll be watching S when she goes on her trip next week.  Italy and Greece - places where you would have loved to go.  I wish you had given yourself the chance.

Now that graduation is done, and college registration is done (ugh.  Your daughter.  If only she listened.  But...whatever.  Tuition is waived so as long as she finishes in 4 years, she's golden.), I've been working on the baseball cards.  I got a bunch of them graded.  I've sold about a dozen, and made most of the grading money back.  That means I have another 17 or so to sell that will be all profit.  I have at least another 40 that will be worth grading, so I will need to get that done.  I think it will be to my benefit to join their stupid club to get a better rate on the grading.  I hate to throw money away, but either way, it's going to happen.  Grading eases the sales, though.  It's hard to argue when you know exactly what you're getting. 

Some jerkoff lowballed me on one of the cards I had listed.  Then he sent another lowball offer for another card.  I sent him a counter, and he was all "but I was buying 2 of your cards!  That's why I should get a 30% discount!"  Fuck right off out of here with that bullshit, sir.  I don't think you understand how a bulk deal works, but I do.  It means you get a lower price if you pay for a less desirable item to go with your fairly valued items.  Anyway, I ended up selling one of those cards almost immediately after turning him down for the amount I thought I would get.  The other may be slightly overpriced, but the guy JUST died in December, so I was hoping to ride on that.  I may have to lower the price.  All in all, though, it's been fairly low key so far.

I can't remember if I told you about your youngest sister contacting me to ask about the stuff I donated to the vocational school that was your dad's.  She was looking for something sentimental, like tools (I guess?), but I was all...I didn't think you wanted boxes of nails and screws.  She agreed that she didn't, but then asked if I had kept the letters and stuff that she had sent you.  I sent her photos of those when I was going through things just after you died, but threw some of it away since the response I got was unenthusiastic.  Then she said that she had a scarf that you had brought back from Afghanistan, but your sister that I refuse to speak to said that it was hers, and your mom backed her up, so your youngest sister felt compelled to give it to her.  That fucking bitch.  I did not directly address it (though, to be sure, I absolutely mentioned how I remembered her having it), but I have a couple more, so I will see that she gets one.  I will also find her letters/drawings and a couple other things for her.  

So, starting Monday, I will get a taste of the future.  S is leaving for 12 days for her senior trip.  She is not a fan of all the people on the trip, but she really wants to go to Italy and Greece.  My sister and I talked her into overlooking how much she dislikes her former schoolmates and look only at how awesome the trip itself will be.  She probably should have transferred to the Asia trip, since she loved the teacher that was chaperoning that trip.  But she wasn't quite ready for the destination.  Anyway, she'll have a great time, and I will be all by myself.  It will be weird, but when she goes off to school, I will have some experience.  

Aside from that, the pine tree came down and they ground the stump out.  Once the tree came down, S kept telling me I should also take care of the maple that had seeded itself there.  I was going to, but fortunately, the electric company came by and took care of it with two swipes of their chainsaw.   I'm currently watering the grass seed, and it's coming in pretty well.  I can't decide if I want to put in a sort of wild butterfly garden or if I want to put in a new tree.  S's friend's dad (who cuts down trees, apparently) suggested an arbor vitae, but...no.  We have enough.  I would like a dogwood, but I don't know if I want the mess of the petals.  So maybe just a bunch of plants that will reseed themselves?  I don't know.  Or maybe I'll just leave it with grass.  I almost fell off the ladder the other day.  I was cleaning the gutters in the back, and overbalanced.  Fortunately, I caught myself.  I need to get the other ladder out there to get up higher, and cut back some of the cherry tree.  Ugh.

One of the cases I worked ended up on 20/20 the week before last.  I wasn't mentioned, but my work was!  Everyone agreed that they could have condensed the story significantly, but it's still kind of cool to see.  I had lunch with one of the newer kids from work, and she reports that management is still confused about why morale didn't immediately improve once I left and stopped bringing everyone down.  The big boss also retired - every now and then, I consider dusting off the resume and putting in for the job.  Those fuckers would lose their minds.  Then I remember that I don't want a job.

Anyway, now I need a nap.  Missing you - thanks for the musical cues.  

Love,

A

Now what?

 Dear John,

S and I visited your grave today, to place some of the flowers we had around the house.  Between Mother's Day and graduation, we had multiple bouquets.  So we took them and placed them on about 10 graves in your row.  You got the pink carnations that decorated the tables from the graduation party.  It made a nice arrangement, in S's preferred shade. 

The graduation party was a success, in spite of all the fighting beforehand.  When S has an idea of what she wants, and reality doesn't live up to it, she gets very upset.  It ruins her whole experience.  Even though she was frustrated with me for not being able to implement her vision, she finally figured out that what I did provide was the funding, and people who could help her figure it out.  And with last minute trips to Ikea and Walmart, we got it done.  My friends showed up for me and for her.  My family showed up for us.  She had a great time, and it worked out well.

We were expecting your family, and they showed up in spite of a water emergency at your mom's house.  Your brother and SIL came on time, because the charity for which your SIL volunteers gave S a scholarship.  (I was quite irritated with S about it.  Your SIL sent a text encouraging her to apply - because their criteria is very specific, they don't have a lot of applicants - and S totally blew through the deadline.  It got extended, and S wrote a nice essay.)  

Your sisters and your mom showed up very late - almost everyone had already left.  Something happened at your mom's house to flood the basement.  I'm not sure what exactly happened, though they initially thought it was backed up sewers.  I don't think it was.  But the husbands were left behind to deal with it, while your sisters and the kids came along.  It was nice to see them.  Your next oldest sister came down from Michigan, so S went to see them all again on Monday.  She had a nice conversation with her closest-in-age cousin.  I'm glad she got to do that.

You, of course, would have been horrified.  We had my 3 sisters and their spouses, one of my nieces, my friend, and 4 dogs in the house.  We had probably 40-50 people come through the party.  It was fun, but exhausting.

S really enjoyed her graduation too.  She was salutatorian, and her speech was wonderful.  We were discussing the valedictorian - the girl who got S in trouble in 1st or 2nd grade.  First, S said that her mom, who teaches at the high school, did all the girl's homework, and that's why she was valedictorian.   Next, the girl chose to speak first, instead of the typical ending speech for valedictorian because "she was too nervous to wait that long to speak."  Then, as we listened to her speech, both S and I recognized that a good portion of it was ChatGPT.  S asked for a ChatGPT speech, got that drivel, laughed, and then wrote a good speech.  My BIL also brought his camera to take pictures of everything, and she was happy with those pictures too.  All in all, it was a very good day.

Now that it's over...I don't have much going on.  I guess I should figure out a volunteer opportunity, but I don't feel like it yet.  I could get a job.  I don't think I want that.  I kind of just want to hunker down, and stay home for a good long time.  Maybe I'll get bored.  

The front pine tree is gone.  They came to cut it down on Tuesday.  I was so sad to see it go.  Now I can see the neighbors.  I don't care for that.  I'm not sure what I will put in its place.  I also got some of the other trees trimmed, so that's good.  

Finally, the place behind us sold.  Turns out that one of my friends knows who bought it.  I hope they will be good neighbors.  With any luck, they too will plant a bunch of trees.  Good luck to them with the renovations.  

We miss you on all of these days.  I wish we could have bought the house - it would have been a great project for you.  I wish you could have seen your daughter graduate.  I was telling my friend about something you did when we moved down here, and even though she knew you then, she was surprised to learn that you were far more social and friendly before you went to Afghanistan.  Well.

Love,

A

Incoming

 Dear John,

Well, your daughter is about to graduate from high school.  You've missed all the triumphs and the drama.  The friends, the crushes, the dating, the dances, the driver's license, her work experiences...I know it would have all looked very different under your watch.  But she's still a very well-rounded young woman.  She's got two jobs.  She handles the public well.  She takes good care of her friends, even though they are frequently irritating to her.  She's traveled some.  She's ready for the future.

She's also driving me nuts.  Since you're not here to put a damper on it, we're having an open house after graduation.  She is just like you in that when I tell her that I am not skilled at something and do not wish to do it, she thinks I should do it anyway.  So, the plans for the open house are a major source of contention.  It started with the food - I said I would make pulled pork.  It's easy, versatile, and can stay warm all day.  You can make sandwiches or tacos.  Anyway, she vetoed that.  So now we'll be getting some sandwiches.  We also have to rent tables and chairs, get decorations and tablecloths, make balloon arches, get photo posters and banners and streamers.  It's a nightmare and she's mad that I refuse to be more involved.  The thing is, I told her from the start that I can't help.  I referred her to my oldest sister and my friend for help, and she just wants me to do it all.  It will all work out, but we may kill each other before the party.

I had a garage sale in an effort to clean out the garage for the party.  It worked out pretty well, as I sold the old refrigerator and washer, more of your clothes, including the coat you had made in Afghanistan, and many tools.  I also ended up donating all of your (and your dad's) giant collection of fasteners and other parts to the vocational program at S's school.  They were happy to have the stuff, and I thought it was a great idea to help out a trades program. They did not want all your old corded tools.  I got rid of the drywall drivers (don't even know where those came from), but held on to the router.  And the bench grinder.  And a corded circular saw.  For what, I don't know.  

Meanwhile, one of the pine trees has died.  The biggest one.  The one that blocks us from street view.  I have a couple estimates to take it down.  My lawn guy will do it for a competitive price, but I'd rather have someone who's solely a tree service.  I'm sad that it's going to be gone.  S said that since you and your 'friend' did the last tree removal for free, it averages out to much cheaper.  Girl math or dollar cost averaging?  She's definitely your daughter.

It's a rough month coming up.  5 years ago, we were doing silver deals at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.   Things have definitely changed.  

State of the world

Dear John,

It's been a while.  We're coming up on the 3rd anniversary of your death.  It is so conflicting for me to say that I am sort of glad you're not around to witness the current administration and the absolute bullshit they're pulling right now.  That's especially true given the fact that messing around with Tesla stock was a contributing factor to the other things that pushed you over the edge.  I am fully convinced that you would have tried to go after someone if you were still here, and I would not have been able to stop you.

Fortunately, I feel pretty well prepared thanks to your tutelage.  I have a supply of food.  I replaced appliances that needed replacing before everything got going.  We're trying (not well - your daughter is expensive!) to minimize spending but I'm doing my best to stick to essentials only.  I took an inventory of the silver but I wish we had more gold.  Then again, I forget about all the scrap jewelry that's floating around here.

OK, well, enough of that - on to some brighter topics.  We're still keeping the tradition of travel on the anniversary.  This year, it's just a quick weekend trip to NYC, because S really wants to go.  I do too, since I've never been.  Should be fun.  Will definitely be exhausting.

Speaking of S, it's all drama, all the time around here.  She broke up with her boyfriend before Christmas - he was being shady.  They're sort of back together, but it seems to be just for convenience on her part.  Half of her friend group seems to have turned on her.  She's very angry with them.  We'll see how that shakes out as they have a lot of plans coming up, including 2 trips.

In better news, she has received the Veteran's scholarship, so she can get her 4 years of undergrad for free tuition.  She's waiting for the fancy school responses before she officially accepts.  Yale, Northwestern, and a couple others should be coming soon.  But she'll probably take the scholarship.

She is still working 2 jobs.  She has a lot of travel planned - NYC, then Chicago (if she's still going with friends - I'll be going to watch my sister's dogs while she and her husband are in Iceland), then, after graduation, she'll be off on her senior trip to Italy and Greece.  When she gets back from that, she's supposed to go to Miami with her friends (that's a whole other story) but I don't know if that will still be on.  I was looking at a week at Hale Koa in Honolulu before she went off to school but the timeline was too tight.  Maybe I will go on my own.

Your youngest sister's daughter was playing volleyball at a school near us, so she invited S to go and watch.  I went too - your mom was there.  It was nice to see them.  Your mom was trying to get your sister to go get ice cream afterward - it's funny to watch your sister totally ignore hints like the ones your mom was dropping. 

Remember that essentials only spending?  Well, I almost bought Norman's 3 acres.  I guess his wife died last year and his kids moved him out pretty quickly after.  The property went up for auction with your favorite auction house.  As usual, they continue to obscure information about the property.  That guy is a dick.  Anyway, I was prepared to pay a lot for the land and house until I went to the open house.  The floors are massively uneven.  It looked like the ceilings were asbestos.  The porch was separating from the house.  The drain from the upstairs bathroom was fully visible in one of the rooms.  It's got city water but a septic system.  And you know all the barking for which you were always calling the police?  His wife bred collies.  They had 3 dog runs in the back and 8 kennels in the (dark, depressing) basement.  It would have been a very expensive reno.  I am sort of waiting for that dick to contact me.  I bid $175K.  Before the open house, it sat at $104K.  After, the bid went up in $2000 increments from one bidder to just under my max.  After listening to you during all your years on eBay, it looked like someone was trying to find my limit to push the price up.  I wasn't sure if they would keep going - I was pretty anxious that I would actually have to buy the place.  But, fortunately, they ended at $1000 over my max.  So, if this was a shill bidder trying to inflate the price, I would imagine they'll contact me to say the bidder backed out.  Well, I might be willing to pay $104K for the property.  I think I could redo the place with a $70K budget.  But I'm relieved that it won't be my responsibility.  We'll see who shows up to work on the place.

Half of the basement dog kennels. Don't know how to rotate the image.

Meanwhile, since Deportation Don is destroying society as we know it, I am mildly concerned that my lawn service might be gone.  I am pretty sure the guy is at least a legal permanent resident - his business seems to be properly registered.  But since no one really speaks English, I have to wonder.  It hasn't really been great for grass growth yet, so I will wait until things get growing before I text the guy.  I have to put out the crabgrass preventer fertilizer once more today.  I think the pine trees need some iron too.  I probably also need iron, so that's an easy way to get some.

Yesterday, I was out doing yard work.  First, our most hated neighbor was out.  You would enjoy the schadenfreude of how fat she has become.  As a strictly appearance-based person, it must pain her to look in the mirror.  That melts some of the icicles in my cold, dead heart. 😈  I bought some peonies to put on the spite berm.  I hope they make it!  I planted some tulips last fall - they're starting to come up. I also got some bleeding heart for the thoroughly shaded "vegetable garden" that now just has hostas, a burning bush, a bunch of columbine, and some other plant that might be primrose between the trees.  I keep planting stuff to try and overtake the weeds.  I also managed to pull out one of the dead creeping junipers that was on the one retaining wall.  It was a struggle, but I got it done.  Your daughter, the previous evening, told me I needed to start going to the gym so I don't get old and feeble.  I assured her that I am getting some exercise, between the calisthenics, housework, and yardwork, not to mention the odd session of aerobics and the daily dog walking.  She was, nevertheless, horrified to see me all sweaty and red-faced, trying to pull that stupid bush out.  I managed it though.  I planted a common lilac in its place, which will provide lovely scents and additional screening from the neighbors.  All my previous lilacs have been in the wrong place, and you're not here to stop me from putting it where I want!  I may put more in front of the deck. They'll be the compact version, though.  However, I need to kill off the prairie grass and get the deck and patio redone, so that's a future project.

I have more stories for you but I guess I will save them for later.  Missing you as always, but also relieved you don't have to try to deal with Season 2 of this horrifying reality/horror show.

Love, 

A

Adult?

 Dear John,

Who knew that 18 years ago today was our last day as a family of 2?  I can't believe our baby is about to be 18.  You were so stressed during the whole pregnancy.  I think the only part you enjoyed was naming her.  I wanted one name, but you had grander plans.  You didn't mind my name choice - it was the name of an aunt that you particularly liked.  (The reason you liked her so well is a little sad.  It was because she actually paid attention to you and what you liked.  I don't think that was something you experienced much in your family.)  Also, you liked the play of letters and numbers, and her middle name shares 3 letters with your middle name as well as your dad's first name, and it shares 4 letters of my dad's first name as well as the first letter of his last name.  But you picked a word out of the Bible to use as a first name.  Neither of us has ever been particularly religious, but you spent a lot of time worrying about and yelling at God.  And then there was the time you let the Mormons into the house and had a long discussion with them.  After they left, I told you what the more unusual components of their religion involved, and you were kind of horrified.  I was amused.  Anyway, back to the name, I warned you that people would not know how to pronounce it, nor would they be able to spell it.  But she loves it, because it's unique and because you gave it to her.  

I'm very upset right now that you're not here to see how well she's grown up.  She's bright and beautiful and engaging with life.  She works hard.  You would not approve of my lax attitude about her access to the car and the amount of time she spends at home (almost none).  But she seems to be doing OK.  She will likely have her pick of colleges - she's been accepted to 8 or 10 already with no effort.  Now she wants to apply to Yale and a few more that I can't afford.  We'll see if she can muster up any scholarships.  She got the highest PSAT score at her school, but did not make it to National Merit Scholar - only Commended.  She did well on the SAT with no prep, but not Ivy League scholarship well.  She's taking the ACT at the end of the month, and is taking a prep class, so I hope that will boost her into scholarship level.  We're still looking at the Veteran's scholarship for the state university.  It's a great school and she wouldn't be upset if she ended up there.  But I want her to realize all her dreams.  

That's not to say she's perfect.  She's got your family genes after all and while she can be empathetic...she's pretty judgmental.  I told my coworkers that it's written in her DNA - she doesn't have ATCG; she has JUDGE.  She also gets pretty irritable...can't imagine where she got that from.  She's impatient.  (Another mystery)  She's overly involved in her appearance as far as her clothing goes.  I KNOW where she got that from - your family.  But overall, I think she's going to be a wonderful person.

She's thinking of going into medicine.  I'm not sure she has the staying power or the stomach for it.  But if she makes it through, I think she would be fantastic.  She has the right combination of caring and distance that would make for a good approach.  She has good customer service skills, which would give her a good bedside manner.  But she's looking into anesthesiology, which speaks to her desire to make people stop annoying her.  

I looked at the pictures from just after she was born.  I want to post the one of you, her, and your dad, taken just after she was born, where you look absolutely terrified.  But I know you wouldn't approve.  I wish you could see how she's turned out thus far.  You'd be so proud.

Love,

A

The Bear

 Dear John,

So, it seems there was a black bear wandering through your mom's neighborhood!  She still refers to the previous Chief of Police as the owner of a particular house, though I think a few people have been through there since he left.  Anyway, it was in his yard.  She sent some pictures in the group chat.  I sent a text, telling her that I hoped she wasn't gardening today, but your brother (or his wife) sent your niece over to tell her in person.  I don't think your mom believed her.  

When I picked up our mail after our vacation, I was very surprised to find multiple checks in the mail.  The Army has finally processed my request for your pension.  As the Army does, they caught me up from the date of your death (which is kinda funny, since, at the time, I was not eligible to collect both the DIC and your pension.  But they changed the rules in 2023, so that was a nice surprise.)  Though they insisted that a direct deposit form be part of the packet I submitted, I continue to get paper checks.  One of my friends (who does Army HR) said they do that to make sure the right person is getting the checks before they move to the automated system.  

I was going to go on a big political rant, but I will suffice it to say that I feel a lot better with the energy that that Harris/Walz ticket is bringing.  I know you did not like Harris, but you also didn't vote.  So, too bad.  Plus, you definitely did not respond well to women in positions of authority.  Also too bad.

Now, on to the bad news.  I put my engagement ring on to wear for S's senior pictures.  When I came home, the diamond was gone.  I'm very upset about this, but then again, you kind of ruined the moment when you proposed to yourself with it anyway.  I took it to Roger's and Holland's for the insurance estimate, so I'm waiting for that to come through.  I don't know if I'll replace it, replace it with a lab created diamond, get something entirely different, or use some of the gemstones that you bought on a whim and make a different memorial ring.  It's not like I wore my engagement ring much after S was born - it stuck out too far, and I was afraid to scratch her.  Then my fingers got too fat.  Then you had it resized, but we never went anywhere, so I still didn't wear it.  Of course, the one time I pull it out...

S is getting her wisdom teeth out this month.  The dogs are also getting dental services.  It's a good thing I got all that Army money, because it's going to be an expensive month.  S's senior pictures turned out pretty gorgeous.  I'm still waiting for the go-ahead to post them.  As usual, she doesn't like most of them, but I think they're all great.  Well, maybe there are a couple that aren't the best.  But her not-the-best is still pretty great.

She was at work tonight, and they ended up with 50 or so extra hot dogs.  We were trying to find a homeless shelter to give them to, but there's only one near here, and it's in a really bad location.  I called two different cop shops to try and get them to take them to the shelter, but they're too busy doing nothing.  (The state police said they only had 5 guys on tonight for 6 counties.  Guess it's time to go speeding!)  Oh well, I gave it my best shot.  The other closest shelters are not in too great of areas either, and they don't answer their phones.  It's hard to give stuff away sometimes.  I guess I could have hit up the lady who's always chasing down the unhoused people to take photos of them to post on FB and invite them to her church.  Maybe next time...or maybe we should find out where the bear went, and leave them out for him!  I think he went east today. 

Love,

A

Road Trip!

 Dear John,

As S says all the time...Tell me why I filled out all the Direct Deposit information REQUIRED by the Army for your pension application and they have now sent me 4 paper checks.  Sigh.  Anyway, I am now collecting your Army pension, so that's good news.  

We just got back from our trip to the West Coast - we stayed with my cousin in San Francisco.  You would have loved her house.  The views are spectacular, and the house is old and charming and full of wonderful details.  It's on quite a hill though.  It was very comfy, and I hope I will be able to go back.  We also saw my other cousin.  I think I overwhelmed her with people, and she didn't have much to say.  S and I both noticed that her husband is SUPER fake.  S said she saw him laugh, and then turn away and immediately frown.  But she seems to like him, so that's what counts.  I got to meet their dog, who is adorable.  She never goes home to visit her family, and I wonder why.  I can't imagine maintaining that kind of distance - I even see the sister I don't like at least every other year.

After driving down Lombard street (which is a series of switchbacks) and stopping at Treasure Island to see Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge (which you can also see from my cousin's house), we went to my cousin's art show in Berkeley.  It was pretty cool.  I wish I were more social - I would enjoy living in a place like that.  But everything is so tightly packed and I don't really want to be that close to people any more.  I did have to contribute $0.75 to my cousin - the former president's name can't be mentioned in her house, and I did it 3X by accident.  In my defense, we were there the day he was "shot."  I'm not buying that he got hit by a bullet.  

Next, we started out driving towards Seattle along CA-1.  I was PETRIFIED.  It was so steep and curvy and winding.  I was thinking of you and our trip to see the Giant Sequoias and Hearst Castle and Santa Barbara and the wine ghetto in Lodi.  You did all the driving, and I was happy for it.  We had a Cadillac CT-5 to drive.  It was nice, but not something I would want to buy.  I'm pretty sure the brakes were shot by the time we turned it in.  

As we drove, I kept saying "I should stop at the scenic overlook" as I drove by - S finally said "Just stop somewhere!"  So, I turned, and the next thing you know, we're on a 2 hour detour to see a lighthouse I had no intention of stopping at.  It was pretty cool, and we were maybe 30 feet from a coyote hanging out on the hillside and 70 feet from the deer at the top of the hill.  Then we had to walk down (and then back up) 313 stairs to the lighthouse.  I thought I was gonna die on the way back up.  But it was a pretty cool place.

We drove up the coast.  Stayed in a dump in Fort Bragg - people were having a screaming argument in the parking lot, but you could see the ocean, and we picked up some sea glass at the beach.  The next day, we drove through a tree (lame) and then stopped at the roadside attraction that inspired Gravity Falls, which is S's favorite show.  We've watched it in its entirety at least 3 times.  We drove up another mountain to hike on an easy trail.  S and her friend (I let her invite her friend, as I thought it would be more fun for her, and it wouldn't cost much more.) got dressed up to take Instagram pictures at sunset on the beach.  It was a pretty spectacular night.

The next day, we went to another roadside attraction, but this one was a trail that had elevated walkways in the trees.  It was really cool.  They had a lot of chainsaw sculptures.  They had a tram up to the top of the mountain, and the scenery there was amazing.  We walked around twice to get our $30 worth.  Then we drove into Oregon.  We stayed in Bandon, at an adorable little motel.  You would have hated it - you could hear road noise all night.  But it was really cute, inside and out.  I had no idea there was so much sand in Oregon.  We stopped at scenic overlooks, took some hikes down to beaches, walked through a cave to get to a different beach, saw Haystack Rock (from The Goonies), but from waaaaay down the beach because...parking.  Then our next hotel called to say they were leaving early, and sent us contactless check-in info.  You might have liked that aspect, and they had a fan available to drown out road noise.  

We drove up the Washington state coast, but didn't really get to see the ocean at all.  It was like driving through a botanical garden, though, so you would have enjoyed that.  We went to Forks WA, since S wanted to live out her Twilight dreams.  That's really what inspired the trip - when we were on the Alaskan cruise last year, and we were nearing Victoria, Canada, she noted that we were near Forks and she wanted to go.  Forks was hilarious - it is 100% Twilight all the time.  I hated the first book and think the movies are ridiculous.  But the town was fun.  Then we headed to Seattle.  When we got in, we were confronted with the great Crowdstrike Windows breakdown of 2024.  The hotel's credit card swipers weren't working.  I thought "eh - they'll get this stuff all under control by Sunday when we leave!"

We went to Pike Place market and wandered around there for a while.  I think the girls were just tired of being on vacation by then, because they really just wanted to do nothing.  S and I went for a walk by Lake Washington and then we went out for dinner.  

The next day we were headed home.  I was a bit anxious about getting there and trying to make sure we didn't get bumped from our flight.  Thousands of flights had been cancelled, so I was concerned.  We got to the airport 2.5 hours before our flight.  S and her friend went and got some lunch.  I had just wandered off to find something to eat and came across this GIANT line.  By the time I got to the end of it, I found out I needed to join it, because our flight got cancelled.  It was a nightmare.  I had the dogs to worry about (fortunately, my friend's daughter was watching them for the weekend, and was able to continue).  S was supposed to go to registration for school and get her senior pictures.  But we were stuck in Seattle.  I stood in the line (S came and kept me company while her friend watched the luggage) for 7 hours.  I called my sister, since she's had pretty much every travel experience, and she told me to get on the phone, and text line.  I talked to someone after 3 hours who said the best they could do was get us on a flight on Wednesday.  I figured I'd need to stay in line for hotel vouchers anyway, so I stood there for another 3 hours.  When I finally was able to talk to someone, she was super nice (considering the number of frantic people she had to deal with) and helpful.  I gave her a bunch of options to get us home sooner.  We ended up flying into Chicago the next morning.  She told us to make sure to get to the airport early - I was like...our flight is in 12 hours - we're not leaving!  We found some "loungers" to sort of sleep in.  We had one for each of us eventually, but S gave hers up to some dude who clearly had THE WORST sleep apnea.  He snore/choked himself awake approximately every 15 seconds.  It was insane.  I bought the girls dinner, snacks, and some blankets.  We got into Chicago around 1:30pm and my sister picked us up.  She dropped me off to get a rental car.  Then I went to her house to get the girls (and see her dogs 😁) and head for home.  I got about half way before I was falling asleep.  Fortunately, S's friend can sleep anywhere, so she was well-rested and she was able to drive the rest of the way home while I took a couple quick catnaps.  

We drove her home, and then had to go to the airport to drop off the car, and pick up ours.  Our luggage had been checked the day before, and I got a notification that it was at the airport, so we stopped to see if we could get it.  It wasn't actually there, and your daughter had a complete breakdown, because she needed her shampoo and conditioner, so she could shower and be ready for her ID picture for school the next day.  I wanted to kill her, dump her body, and go home and go to bed.  I was supposed to work the next day.  But the luggage was supposedly on the next flight, so if we just waited half an hour, we could get it!  Finally, I gave up on the idea of going to work, and we hung out at the airport waiting for luggage.  We finally got 2/3 of the bags and got home around 1 am.  The baggage guy was like "I've been up since 6."  Oh yeah, dude?  I've been up since 6 YESTERDAY.  The other bag finally showed up, and they couriered it over to us at 11:15 pm.  

On the plus side, Delta covered all our extra expenses within a week, and refunded our checked bag fees too.  So while it was a hassle, I was impressed with their response.  

All in all, aside from the return trip (again - those have been difficult), it was a fantastic vacation.  Now I'm going to have to wait until next year to plan anything else.  If I retire, it might be a solo trip.  S doesn't want to take any time off school, and she's going on her European senior trip in the summer.  Then she'll be off to college.  Lots of changes coming along.  

Well, this is long.  I have more to tell you, but I will wait for resolution on a couple issues first, I guess.  I miss you.

Love, 

A

DIY

Dear John,

I'm a little exhausted, because I accomplished a lot of projects yesterday.  I've been pretty lazy, but it was the last nice day where I would be able to have the windows open, so I had to paint the bathroom while I had the chance.

There was some kind of water issue, which I decided was due to caulking around the bottom of the tub in there.  I had to cut out some drywall, because it was soaked.  Drywall repair is not my specialty.  I also put a small patch on the wall where Eddie licked the paint off.  I was at Lowe's getting caulk, and found some paint that was on the clearance rack.  It looked like it was a nice light blue, but as usual, my paint vision is absolutely terrible.  Once it was on the walls...it's very bright.  I like bright colors, but it doesn't exactly match the aesthetic of our paint scheme.  Of course, the mainly beige and pale yellow walls are broken up by a red dining room and a coral basement bathroom, but this blue seems exceptionally bright.  I told S it looks like the Simpsons sky.

Of course, since I am the master of planning (🙄), I patched the drywall the night before I planned on painting.  Nevermind the part where I have to sand it smooth and maybe put on another coat and let it dry.  Sigh.  Then I decided I also needed to use the utility sink (spoiler: I just used the bathroom sink) to clean the brushes and stuff.  So I bought a new faucet, which I then had to install it.  Let me just say...the plumbers we used were FUCKING IDIOTS.  Not even counting the dishwasher leak they caused that ruined the floors, and the extra hole in the floor when they tried to install the bathtub the wrong way...the way they set up the water lines for the utility sink is absolutely ridiculous.  You can't move both shut-off valves properly because they're set right next to each other.  Turning one valve interferes with the other.  On top of that, the wall anchors had rusted out screws and made holes in the drywall.  But, I did it!  I figured out how to get the water lines disconnected, took the old faucet off, attached the new one, got rid of the old wall anchors, hooked the water back up, figured out new wall anchors and how to attach them, and got it installed.  I was lucky because I forgot to leave the sink unattached to the wall until I verified that there were no leaks (because I don't think it's coming off again), but it seems as though I managed to get everything water tight.  

Back to the painting, S didn't help much.  She was supposed to be working, but they closed the pool due to weather, so she was home most of the time.  She did a little rolling, but not much.  I did a decent job, but, of course, got some paint on the ceiling.  Oh well - it's fine.  S doesn't like it, but I told her that she only has to live with it for another year and a half.  Also, the gallon of paint was $15.

But the important part is that I got it all done.  I was supposed to tackle some landscaping work today, but...ugh.  No thanks.  I took a nap and grilled some chicken and chicken wings.  Now I'm watching some real estate show.  S went out to dinner with her boyfriend, but now we'll have some healthy food to eat during the week.  

S said that your sister that I don't speak to has moved back locally.  Not sure why but I also only care insofar as I used to run into her occasionally when she lived here before and I would like to avoid that.  I am good at avoiding people and at being rude to people I don't like, so it shouldn't be a problem.  

We're ready for our next vacation.  I'm going to drive up the coast from San Francisco to Seattle with S and her friend.  I have everything booked, I think.  I'm a little nervous about driving over mountains, but it will be fine.  Should be a good time.  I'll get to see 2 cousins, and a lot of beautiful scenery.  I hope I've left enough time for exploring along the way.  I assume two teens will want to take a few Instagram pictures and then move on.  I wish you were here to do the driving - you were always more confident, even if you had no idea where you were going.  I'll have to manage.  But it would be easier if you were here to do it for me.

Love,

A

April Updates

 Dear John,

I am watching a show where they speak to murderers, and I would really like you to be sitting here with me so we could be indignant and yell at the TV together.  The self-deception some people engage in is amazing.  (I am binge watching this show today.  3 of the 4 killers I've watched so far have come out of Missouri.)

Related, I was watching a show called Leavenworth, which is about a platoon leader named Lorance who ordered troops to fire on some Afghani men on a motorcycle.  Two of the three were killed.  His troops all appeared in the documentary to say that they thought it was absolutely unjustified.  The guy's whole demeanor screamed "They're all guilty of something."  They made a pretty weak case that he was used as an example to placate the Afghans, and he was eventually pardoned by Trump.  He also tried to introduce the fact that he is gay as an excuse for why they were railroading him.   But the troops were not convinced - they still hold that Lorance was an asshole looking to add some kills to his military record.  I completely believe them, but I'd be curious to hear what you would say about it.

Related, it seems as though I can now apply for your pension, and not see any reduction in my DIC.  After you died, they said I wasn't entitled to anything, but I think they changed the rules last year.  Anyway, after waiting 6 months for the National Archives to not send me the paperwork I needed, and people in basically the same office that I initially contacted to send it to me the same day I emailed the appropriate paperwork, I have applied for your pension.  We shall see how that goes.

Work has settled down.  I will spend the next 7 months settling all the details toward retirement, and I hope to retire at the end of the year.  I also requested to attend a conference in Reno.  I doubt I will get approved, but it's fun to consider!

S went to prom last night.  She spent hours picking her dress, picking her boyfriend's suit, making her own bouquet and boutonniere (see photo - she inspired her friends to do the same, but she ended up helping all of them make their bouquets), getting her hair and nails done.  She's a bit of a control freak.  When we were in Hawaii, she spent half an hour arguing with her boyfriend because he was getting mad at her for telling him what to do.  She seems to have had fun.  She was telling me all the gossip from the event.  That's always entertaining.  It seems your mom's neighbor's granddaughter got up to some shenanigans.  You would have enjoyed that story.  I sent a picture of S and her boyfriend in their finery to the group chat.  I am now officially offended on S's behalf that your mother completely ignores her.  Oh well - I think I will have a graduation party for S next year.  I'll invite your family, and that will probably be the end of our association.    Seems strange, but inevitable.

We had a great time at my sister's earlier this month.  We went for the total eclipse.  My bestie came down with her family.  I don't know how it was that I spent the last 7 years telling my sister that we (my friend, her family, me, S) would be coming to her house for the eclipse and she was STILL surprised when I told her that everyone was coming.  She doesn't really like to entertain, but she stepped up anyway.  I think she had a good time - it's hard not to around my friends.  They're so lively.  My oldest sister's husband came down too - we all had fun.  It wasn't much of a trigger for me - you didn't come to the last one either.  It would only have been a half hour drive, and you were too busy with your stock market nonsense.  Sigh.  The things you missed out on.

We have some sort of water issue in the bathroom.  I can't see a leak.  I think I will recaulk the tub and tile around there, caution S about being careful with her showers, and see what happens.  It's dripping in the basement, but seems intermittent.  I guess I can call a plumber, but I don't really want to.  We'll see what I can DIY.

I also went down to see your watch friend this weekend.  He helped me so much with your stuff, and had another watch show this year.  I told him I would come, and I wanted to stick to my word.  But it was prom night, and so I drove 4 hours round-trip and stayed for an hour.  During that time, he complained about statue removal, and his wife said some racist stuff.  So, while my pushback was mild, I feel as though any obligation I had is fulfilled and I need never speak to them again.  I don't have time for that nonsense.  Sigh - otherwise good people with extremely provincial experience and ensuing bigotry.  It makes me sad for them that they think that way.  Anyway, he made a wristwatch out of one of your Hamiltons.  It's really nice and he said he wouldn't ever sell it.  So, your watches live on.  I think I will go look at the ones I have left.

Anyway, that's all I have to complain about today.

Love,

A

First Quarter

 Dear John,

 2024 hasn't really started out well - it's not terrible, but it's not good either.  I'm hoping that all the misery gets itself out of the way by the end of the month.  2 years after you're gone seems like a good time for things to improve.  We're going to start a little early with a vacation on the anniversary of your death.  There will be an eclipse the week after we return, and we're going to my sister's for the totality.  Then my grievance goes to arbitration at work.  So, April better be the turning point of this year. 

Still missing you a lot.  I don't really know how people move on.  I guess they're more comfortable letting people into their lives, where I am somewhat more reserved.  I read a lot of Reddit, and there are all these people who get married again within a year or two of their spouse's death.  I can't even imagine dating.  I don't even really want to go out and make friends.  Half the time, I don't want to hang out with my current friends.  I'm a little motivated to travel, but I also feel like I could just stay at home all the time and not feel too terrible about it.  

I am sort of enjoying watching American Idol without you complaining about the judges' commentary.  So that's an improvement.   I miss you finding the people to follow and remembering what they sang.   I miss having you around to discuss shows and movies.  I miss having to feed you all the time.  I don't want to cook - S is never home, but when she is...there's nothing to eat because I can't be bothered to cook for myself.  

The lawn looks terrible.  The weather has been so weird since you've been gone.  I think we're pretty much in a drought.  I need a bunch of rain for the lawn to come back.  The house is still standing.  There have been a lot of weird noises lately - not sure what's going on, although half the time, it's either the giveaway pile falling over or the shower curtain rod falling off the wall.  Every time the temperature changes...but there's A LOT less mold than there was with the shower doors, so I guess I will tolerate the annoyance of hanging the damn thing up every couple months.  

I went to have lunch with you the other day.  I was going to use my Subway gift card and a coupon.  I bought some Doritos and a Baja Blast at Casey's, because I know how disapproving you were when I would do that.  When I got to Subway, their choices for sandwiches you could get with the coupon were nothing I wanted to eat.  So, I skipped the sandwich, and took my Doritos and a blanket and a book, and sat down to enjoy the nice weather.  It was almost 80 degrees.  But it was so windy...the wind took my bag of Doritos, spread them among the graves, and then I had to chase the bag all the way across the field.  I was not amused.  I hate running.  Perhaps the guys who were waiting for the funerals to be done got a laugh out of it.  I'm sure you did.  

I think I've seen some of the cardinals hanging around.  Not sure if they will nest outside the deck again.  The foxes are in the back of the subdivision so far.  I added a few rocks to the spite berm, as well as mulch and pine needles, so I hope they won't be able to tear things up this year.  I've heard coyotes howling.  Haven't seen deer in a while, or hawks.  But we have had a lot of starlings and crows.  

S has been talking to your youngest sister - well, texting.  I think she's going to go down to see her cousins on Friday.  That will be nice.  I sent your mom a Happy Birthday text, which she did not acknowledge.  Your oldest niece, who graduated from art school last summer, got a job.  She'll be moving back to Chicago - not sure if her dad will pay her rent again.  We'll see.  Her brother should graduate next year, I think.  Those are the only family updates I know.

Love,

A

Angels Again

 Dear John,

Our grandmothers were both big into the yarn/needle arts.  Yours crocheted and knitted and quilted.  Mine mostly crocheted, but also did some knitting and sewing.  She supplemented her income by creating bridal handkerchiefs that would have the bride and groom's names and wedding date crocheted into a border.  I tried my hand at one for your sister.  It turned out OK - I don't know if she bothered keeping it.  Anyway, I have a bunch of snowflakes that my grandma crocheted, and a couple from your grandma.  The one that was hanging on the back door finally disintegrated and I had to throw it away, but there's still one for the tree.  Someone also made some angels - I'm not sure who, as my grandma died in 1995.  Anyway, we ended up with 3 of the crocheted angels...perfect for our little family.  

I was taking down the tree yesterday, though, and found that S had only used 2 of the angels.  It made me very sad, but also made me kind of laugh at her pragmatism.  I mean, I put the tree together, and she decorated it, so everything was her choice.  You were well represented with a bunch of ornaments that you made when you were little, and things that were gifted to you over the years.  But that lack of an angel struck me particularly hard.  

I'm still pretty agnostic in general, but I hope that you're providing guardian angel services for us.  I like to think of you looking out for us, even if you can't be here to do it personally.  I have been hearing Shaggy's Angel on the radio quite a bit lately.  I attribute it to you, but I assume some new popular show is using it.

It seems that I have decided to travel on the anniversary of your death now.  Last year, we went on a cruise.  This year, I hadn't really thought about it yet, but then my use-or-lose vacation time got pushed into this year.  So now we're going to Hawaii for a week.  Just me and S this time - it will be our first real vacation alone, with just the two of us.  Our previous trips have been with friends or to visit family.  Or you were there.  I hope it will be fantastic.  

Aside from that, it's been really cold this weekend.  I haven't walked the dogs in a couple days, because it's just too cold.  I might make it out this afternoon for a little bit, but I do not tolerate cold very well any more.  I let S take the new car to work yesterday, so she could enjoy the heated seats and steering wheel.  She said the tires were all underinflated - I will have to add more air, I guess, since it's not getting much warmer this week.  She also said the remote start feature didn't work.  I am not sure if it is different than the old car - I don't really use that feature.  Who knows - you were right though.  More features means more annoyances if something breaks.  Maybe my next car will be that 1966 Jaguar XKE convertible I always wanted.  I can surely learn to do car maintenance and repair, right?  I should have told you to find me one of those - you would have bought it (and then never let me drive it) for a project.  Sigh...

Love,

A

Strength

 Dear John,

Why does everyone think that I am physically weak?  I mean...people generally know that I am smart and capable, and therefore "strong."  And I know that my size reads child rather than adult.  But forever, everyone sees me lifting things and runs to take it from me.  Not you, of course - you would make fun of me for not carrying more blocks.  But I'd be hauling around retaining wall stones for you, and bags of dirt or mulch.  If your mom saw me, she, who used to be an inch or two taller than me, would try to take the item from me like I wasn't able to carry it.  I don't think I've ever had to put my suitcase in the overhead bin on an airplane.  It's really weird to me.

Anyway, this came up yesterday, because I was trying to pull the stove out to clean behind it.  I haven't done it since you've been gone, and I think it was almost a year before that.  I was trying to lift up the front legs to slide some cardboard under there so I didn't scratch the floor, and I called your daughter over to help me.  Your daughter, who spends a lot of time at the gym or using your weights downstairs.  Your daughter who brags about how much she can bench.  That daughter was absolutely useless at tilting the stove...or even lifting it at all.  I basically did it myself, and she said "How are you so strong?"  I was all...how do you spend so much time at the gym and you still can't lift anything?

I guess part of it is that I have stick-like forearms and pretty skinny wrists.  Maybe that's what people notice and assume that's indicative of how much muscle I have.  I guess they don't notice my sturdy Polish legs.  Power comes from your legs anyway.

I guess this is about the last time I can appreciate my ability to lift things, as I really started having issues a couple years ago.  I lifted a 20L can of methanol at work and injured my back.  As long as I don't twist, I'm fine.  But for now, I can still move the stove and refrigerator out to clean.  Aging sucks.

Anyway, it was pretty disgusting back there.  But it's clean now.  And I will try to keep it that way.  On to my next New Year's cleaning binge task.

Love,

A

Holidays

 Dear John,

I was out to your grave twice this past week.  Probably due to the nonsense going on at work.  You would not approve, but c'est la vie.  You know how I am.  Keeping it vague, because it's too long and stupid to explain.  However, just know that I am right.  😇

I got notification that JD died.  I hadn't really heard from him in quite a while, but I have fond-ish memories of him.  I went to his funeral today - I thought maybe one or two people from work would be there, but I was the only one.  His wife said that he had fought a long battle with cancer.  I would not have reckoned that he would have lasted this long, regardless.  He had not-well-controlled diabetes and heart disease when he retired.  I'm glad I went.  I mentioned you to his wife, and she remembered your name.  We expressed our mutual dislike of DP.  It was a small, but nice, send-off.

Anyway, I'm off work until January 9, I think.  That will be a nice break - a little longer than I expected, but I'm not complaining.  I just scheduled a haircut.  I'm going to work on some craft projects.  I will have to clean the house next week for New Year's.  

I don't have much holiday spirit.  It looks like I will have a good deal of alone time.  S is going to spend Christmas Eve with her boyfriend and his family.  She may have gotten a B on her Spanish final, but she's going to have to pick some of that up, if she spends more time with his family.  I don't know how much English her boyfriend's parents speak.  Your sister invited us to the family Christmas, but S will be at her boyfriend's.  Your mom texted S for the first time in a long time the other day.  I can only assume that the Christmas gift I sent arrived.  😐  I also sent a plant to her friend C - she still remembers every birthday and anniversary, and I just wanted to acknowledge how special she makes people feel just by sending a little card and note.  

Also, in keeping with her John Jr. genes, S got a second job.  Her first one is not scheduling her - since she's an assistant manager, she's too expensive for the events they're having.  So, she's going to bus tables at the restaurant where they have been going before homecoming every year.  She'll be working with one of her friends.  I'm sort of confused about this friend - she seems very nice and is kind to S, but S doesn't really seem interested in deepening the friendship.  Maybe working together will be good for them.  Or, knowing S, who also has some of my tendencies, she'll get sick of the girl and never want to talk to her again.  

I sent some money to the Roth IRA the other day.  Today, I decided to buy some investments.  I bought two things - an ETF, and then increased holdings on a stock that you had purchased (and lost A LOT of money on).  The market immediately tanked, so I think I lost about $400 in 3 hours.  Sigh - good thing I'm a buy and hold kind of person.  Or rather, I'm a don't mess with the stock market kind of person.  I think I'd rather diversify my money into experiences than investments, though, so I will keep looking at all the travel ads and do some fun things once I retire and S goes off to college.  Good thing my sister doesn't mind watching the dogs...

Of all things, I'm having the hardest time feeding myself.  I don't want to cook anything because there's no one to eat it.  Nothing appeals anyway, so I don't have any ideas for what to eat.  I don't even have any snacks or convenience foods that I want to eat.  Today I even made oatmeal to see if I suddenly got over my revulsion.  It's still bad, but since I didn't try to eat a whole bunch of it, it's wasn't as terrible.  I think I might treat it like rice and add butter and salt instead of sugar and fruit.  Or I could just make apple crisp and pretend that's a healthy way to incorporate oatmeal into my diet.  Or more oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

Speaking of the cookies, S has been making them for her friends lately.  She was apparently telling them they were a family recipe.  I laughed and told her that the recipe came from an old girlfriend of yours who you ended up hating.  Which is why her name is blacked out on the recipe card.  

Wishing I had some good dinner ideas.  It's hard to cook for one.

Love,

A

Nothing new under the sun

 Dear John,

I watched a movie last night.  It was about a woman whose boyfriend dies.  She ends up meeting someone new, who arranges to meet her after he gets her boyfriend's old number that she had been texting.  I wouldn't have thought much about it, but the boyfriend's name was John.  So, at that, I was like...HEY!  It was a cute movie - part of it centered around Celine Dion and she was very funny.  The movie is called Love Again.

I also started watching a new series - It's called Poker Face and stars Natasha Lyonne.  She's like a human lie detector, and wanders around getting justice for people.  S came in near the start of the second episode, and she enjoyed watching it too.  We have probably 5-6 more episodes to watch, and I'm looking forward to it.

It's time to cancel our Hulu/Disney+ subscription.  It was great for the last year.  I watched a bunch of stuff I wanted to see.  I think we're done with this service for a while.  There are several things I want to watch that will be coming to Disney+, but a break will be good.  I did pay $40 for a year of Starz, though.  I can finally finish watching American Gods.  

Thanksgiving is coming up on Thursday.  I guess your family has started a group text without me, as I haven't heard anything about their plans.  I wouldn't be participating regardless, but it's interesting.  I would like your brother to tune up the lawnmower next year, so maybe I'll keep in contact with his wife.  S saw her and their daughter at an NHS activity today.  S likes the younger girls and enjoys hanging out with them once in a while.  S was helping out at a basketball tournament, and her cousin was playing.  That was a nice surprise for her.  

I'm not feeling super thankful this year again.  I will make the effort to appreciate the things I have instead of focusing on what I've lost.  

Missing you.

Love,

A

Notes on Fall

 Dear John,

It seems that S is really done with your mom.  Her only grandmother, and she has no interest in seeing her.  We used to stop by or go out to dinner every time we went to the dentist, since they're in the same town.  We went there today, and I asked S if she wanted me to call your mom.  Her response was a flat No.  I guess being forgotten for the past few years has negated all the previous relationship-building they did.  Also, your mom kind of treated her like she did you - more critical than necessary while being totally soft on all the other kids.  Oh well.  I'm sad for her, but I don't blame her.  

Work is annoying.  I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor, because my blood pressure is high, and I should probably treat it.  I had to mow the lawn this weekend - the mowers are done for the year and I'm not paying a higher fee for "fall cleanup."  It took a few pulls for the lawnmower to start.  I think I'll ask your brother to tune it up next summer.  

I did manage to get someone to come and put that piece of fascia back up.  I couldn't reach on the ladder - the guy I hired couldn't really either, though he got closer than I could.  He ended up screwing it back in rather than nailing - probably better that way anyway.  It will probably stay in place until I have to get new siding.

Speaking of screwing things in, I decided to order a new set of power tools.  Your old set is dead - the batteries don't charge at all anymore.  I assume I will be able to sell the tools themselves on Facebook marketplace or something.  We shall see.  I guess it's my Christmas present to myself.  I don't know if I will use them, but I don't want to be without a drill or saw.  

I did get a lot done this weekend, with the yard and cleaning the house.  I guess that's good.  My cousin came down - he is visiting a man that he once mentored at the maximum security prison down here.  I guess the kid had a bit of a rough start, single mom, gang-member dad in jail, I think.  But he was doing OK until he one night got drunk and stabbed someone to death.  I admire my cousin for sticking with him - not many would.  I don't agree with my cousin on most of his views on religion, but I'm glad he's following the principles he espouses.  

Thanksgiving is next week, and S is doing the same thing you would.  Assuming that we'll be done with our Thanksgiving dinner early enough that she'll be able to go to her boyfriend's house too.  I hope she enjoys herself.  I would have liked to go to my sister's.  But I'll be going to the botanical gardens for my friend's birthday Friday or Saturday, so that will be fun.  

Time to walk the dogs and then go to bed.  We're watching The Lion King - I don't really like the movie, but S wanted to watch.  I guess I'll have to wait til it's over before I can go to bed.  I miss the days when you would watch the terrible movies with S.  I miss you.

Love,

A