Sunday, January 31, 2010

Equations

When I was younger, I used to be smart. I took advanced math classes in 8th grade, so that I would be able to jump right in to higher math in high school. When I was a freshman, I was scheduled for Algebra II with the 6 or so other girls that I knew from my advanced classes. My mom, thinking she was doing me a favor, had me transferred into the Honors Algebra II class, where I was the only freshman in a room full of juniors. I stood out like a sore thumb. So, it was actually a little bit scary when I got the highest score on the test for the first section we studied.

That section was programming in BASIC. Way back then, that was the only language suitable for high schoolers to be taught. It made perfect sense to me, because much of the language was if/then format. It was logical. If this happens, then that will follow. Simple.

Lately I have found many people attempting to apply the if/then format to life. It makes me absolutely crazy, because it is a fruitless exercise to try and apply logic to life and, more importantly, to emotions. My husband likes to tell me that he can't understand what I could possibly be stressed about. I have a beautiful daughter, I have a nice house, I have a good job - everything in my life is perfect. He's applying the if/then format to my life - according to him, if your life meets a certain criteria, then there is nothing that you should be unhappy about. However, he is a highly stressed person. I attempted to explain to him that based on his own criteria, he should have no stress in his life either. He has all the things I do (plus a lovely wife who takes good care of him!).

Apparently, this is also running rampant through the blogosphere. Shannon is experiencing it. Baby Smiling in Back Seat got a dose too. Mrs. Spit is experiencing it too. It must be a phase of the moon or something.

There is no if/then equation in life. I am more than grateful to have my daughter. But she is stubborn as a mule and I hear more arguments than the Supreme Court. Constant conflict beats gratefulness into submission many days. I love her more than anything. And she drives me crazy. Some days, when she has screamed "No" at me for the thousandth time, I fantasize about selling her to the gypsies (which she might actually prefer, after having read Madeline and the Gypsies many times) To pretend otherwise would be foolish and unfair to both of us. When I tell other people about her foibles, they give me the benefit of their experience. That helps me relax and ride out the tantrums a little more easily. If I had the opinion that I needed to take everything she dishes out with a smile on my face, because I am so lucky that she made it through alive, my head would explode. She would never get proper discipline, and she would be a wild, bossy, unmanageable, unlikeable kid. If I couldn't discuss her bad behavior with others, because by doing so I would negate the struggle I went through to have her, I would never learn different techniques for dealing with her.

Life does not conform to simple if/then equations. Emotions and reactions are rarely based in logic. I do have one if/then equation to apply though.

If you try to tell me that I should feel a certain way based on your value judgements or lack of information, then I am likely to visit violence upon you.

21 comments:

  1. I think I'm in love with your brain. Does it want to run away to the gypsies with me?

    Rocco has been a tough nut to crack. But my God I've had to crack him. Just a bit ... I love how he's tough, independent, fearless etc. But the bullish behavour, punching people in the head, stomping kicking tantrums? I don't think so.

    I relate a lot to your post, so thank you for writing it. And the last line is perfection.

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  2. Totally agree the complexity of a human life cannot be reduced to if/then. It'd be like trying to fit an elephant into a matchbox.

    I am sorry you are having such a tough time with your daughter. It's a peculiarly unkind tyranny that says a parent who has struggled to have a child must, because of that very reason, magically adopt some kind of saintly non-complaining attitude, forever. I think that's awful. GRR.
    Down with that kind of thing!

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  3. Life and logic never seem to go hand in hand!!! How easy it would all be if they did, but then whatever would we learn?

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  4. very very very very true. some things in life defy logic. as I get older I appreciate that more and more.

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  5. I love this post. Life has defied logic for me a million times. xoxoxoxo

    Oh and I SUCKED bad in math, i mean really bad. Did manage advanced/honors English back in the day though.

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  6. So true! I got a surprise pregnancy when my daughter (via IVF#2) was 9 months old. And while I'm happy and lucky and grateful for the gift I was given - it's still really freakin' hard to now be 21 weeks pregnant and look after a sometimes challenging little girl. I'm exhausted and I want to cry every single day. It doesn't mean I have to walk around with a smile on my face and enjoy the difficulties just because I have what I wanted.

    Hope that made sense, my brain is just as tired as the rest of me...

    Anyways, I agree. SOOO STRONGLY I agree.

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  7. sister, don't you know everyone is an expert and just love to give you "expert" opinions and assvice when in actuality, they have meth-head children, they are alcoholics too and regularly kick their damn dog?

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  8. Wow, excellent post, this should be required reading for every Grown Up. R-E-S-P-E-C-T for others and their journey is a good way to avoid getting your bu++ kicked too.
    You go, AYKM.

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  9. Ah. This is obviously the kernel of my downfall - trying to apply logic to the emotional aspect of my life. So now if you could just tell me how to STOP trying to use it to make sense of 'it all' (and maybe give me a substitute that actually works), I think I could get my life to be perfect. Or, wait, is this just another example of me trying to use the if/then scenario? Oh my brain hurts.

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  10. I am in love with your brain AND this post. Plus, I think when you shut off the steam valve and don't let out that stress, it merely remains inward. So vent away.

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  11. I wrote a similar post a few months ago. Just because there are some good and important things in your life, doesn't mean that you have to go through life like Pollyanna.

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  12. When I am very angry and sad about the lack of living babies in my own life, I have been known to feel furiously angry with women (random, strangers-to-me women) complaining about pregnancy and motherhood. Really? They've got the Holy Grail and now they're whining that it's heavy?

    And then, when the red mist of envy and rage dies back, I know that I am wrong on this. Pregnancy IS hard and uncomfortable. Babies ARE exhausting and demanding. Toddlers ARE insane-making and difficult. The Holy Grail is EXTREMELY heavy. And if I every get to experience any of them for myself, I want, nay, DEMAND, the right to complain about it without having it thrown in my face. Life is not digital or binary. If you complain that your back hurts and you need to pee every thirty minutes this in no possible way means then you don't want to be pregnant.

    In my own life, I got this one right in the neck when I was doing my Master's degree in 2008. I was working at the same time, and doing infertility treatment, and I miscarried as well, and I had so little time to myself, and it was HARD, really hard, and I often made myself completely miserable over essays and deadlines. But because I was doing a degree I really wanted to do, and had got funding to do, at a prestigious university, I was totally not allowed to complain about it, either to family (my mother once told me that I should be grateful I had 'something else to think about'), or friends, or even (or so it felt at the time) to the internets.

    So whenever I feel The Envy coming over me I remember that, and tell myself to get a grip. If/then does not apply.

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  13. Brilliant.

    I remember learning BASIC. I liked to program loops.

    Yours is the best if/then I have ever heard.

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  14. awesome post x infinity
    and so effing true!

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  15. I read a book called The Geography of Bliss. It talks about happiness as joy (e.g., Bhutan) vs. happiness as the absence of anything that would make you unhappy, annoyed, or inconvenienced (e.g., Switzerland). They are not the same thing.

    These days I am simultaneously as joyful and as inconvenienced as I have ever been.

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  16. "If you try to tell me that I should feel a certain way based on your value judgements or lack of information, then I am likely to visit violence upon you."

    AMEN!

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  17. So I was very scared when you started to speak math, I do not do math. I tell my daughter that I am sending her to one of her grandmothers via fed ex. SOmeone once heard me say that and gave me a dirty look, like I was really going to do it- but it probably makes us all feel a little better.

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  18. Well written post. Especially that last sentence! :)

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  19. I totally agree! The If/Then format does NOT work in real life. Life is not logical. Wouldn't it be nice if we could program our lives. I love your last sentence too! :)

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  20. Good post girl. I concur on everything you said. if/then only works in programming. people are amazing creatures and we aren't often following some preset directions on how to live. We disappoint. We succeed. We make people happy. We make people sad. Emotions are certainly not like any programming language.

    It's funny you mentioned the gypsies. I tell the kids I'm selling them to the gypsies ALL the time!

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  21. I think this is something we can all benefit from remembering. I often fall into this trap, especially in terms of my fertility and feeling like I'm doing everything right, so... why? Thank you for the reminder.

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