Dear John,
I saw a movie preview the other night and it really gave me pause. The movie is called Eternity, and the premise is that a man dies and gets to choose his afterlife. Coincidentally, his wife dies shortly thereafter too, and he assumes she will spend eternity with him. But the wrench in the works is that she had a first husband who died in the war. So, who will she choose? There are A LOT of logical problems with this scenario. But I was thinking about whether either of us would choose to spend eternity together. And I don't know the answer to that. Thus, perhaps, my preference for lights out, that's it, the end. And yet, here I am. Still talking to you.
I went to visit your grave today, and, possibly due to that, I didn't have much to say. I brought you some flowers from Costco - they were on sale, which you would appreciate. All I had to say was that you needed to go and spend some time inspiring your daughter to have a better attitude about college and help her get her studying methods in order. I guess it worked, as she called me this afternoon to tell me that she got cheap meds from the clinic (Ricola cough drops, and generic benadryl, sudafed, and mucinex for $5! Total!) and that her calculus tutor was good, but her chem tutor is useless, so she'll have to find another option. It was the first time in a week or so that she's been even remotely enthusiastic. So, it's good that she's feeling better. I hope that was your doing.
Aside: I am currently watching House Hunters International, and these Americans are looking at houses in Melbourne. The only non-annoying person on the show is the realtor (and you know how I hate realtors!). After the wife bitched about the size of the oven for a second time, you could see the realtor getting irritable as she reminded her that it is standard size for Australia. Then, as they were discussing location, the realtor gets on and says that the couple seems to be deliberately choosing opposite things they find necessary and she just wants to knock their heads together. She REALLY doesn't like the wife. Me too, random Australian realtor. Me too.
One of my friends recommended a book to me. It had a paragraph in it that made me immediately wish I could read it to you. It said "Then I started to think about two things. How people present versus who they are. We all do it to a greater or lesser degree. I once read that the secret to happiness lies in the gap between how one sees oneself and how others see us. The smaller the gap between the two, the happier the person." That struck me so hard - you were such a mass of contradictions. When you were projecting confidence and knowledge, you appreciated when people would take you seriously. But inside, I think you were never completely sure of yourself. You had such self-doubt, so you imagined that when people would come to you for advice you imagined they were foolish for trusting you. On the other hand, when you WERE sure of yourself, you would find that people ignored you (myself included, sometimes). And so, when you did have confidence, others immediately undermined it. How could you ever be happy with that kind of constant contradiction? No wonder you couldn't find any enjoyment in anything.
I don't feel like this applies to me, because I'm pretty confident and I really don't worry much about what other people think. But you, with your concern about appearances, and your self-image that suffered from so much doubt - you craved external validation. You wanted me to be a cheerleader, but I am, unfortunately, a realist. But you took every failure and internalized it. There would never be a time when the gap between how you saw yourself and how others saw you was close. I think therapy would have helped you realize that your failures were a product of your willingness to take chances. That your self-doubt should have been cured by your many, many successes. Instead, you kept widening that gap until happiness was impossible to achieve. Now, in my opinion, happiness is momentary. Contentment is what you should seek, because that's longer-lasting and stable. You wanted the highs, but found yourself far more entangled in the lows. I guess you fell into the gap and couldn't find your way back out.
OK - enough of the serious stuff - I'm on my 3rd episode of House Hunters International. Episode 2 was a couple who moved from Branson to Spain. The wife was originally from Spain, but she weirdly sounded very much like that sister of yours I don't speak to, who, coincidentally, also lived in Branson. Episode 3 was a dude from Canada and his wife who was, I think, originally from Fiji who were moving to Australia. He was obsessed with being skinny. Episode 4 is an American in the UK. Should be entertaining.
OK, well I hope the deer have enjoyed eating your flowers. I'll be signing off. I'm going to visit my sister and the former foster dog on Friday. Next week, I will probably go visit S and then maybe on to my other sister's. I was going to stay for a week. Then I thought I'd stay for 2 weeks and see S for her birthday on the way back home. Now, I can't stay 2 weeks because I have CDs maturing. The nerve of all this stuff infringing on my unscheduled time.
Love,
A
