Mixed bag

 Dear John,

Last night, I was lying in bed, listening to an intermittent high-pitched, low volume whine.  It was driving me nuts.  I got up to find the source, because I was pretty sure it wasn't in my head.  I thought it might have been the refrigerator - it makes a lot of noises.  I got up to check, and that wasn't it.  I finally narrowed it down - it was the block for my phone charger.  I was really feeling bad about it, because your ears were constantly ringing (though the Army refused to acknowledge it) and wondered if I had contributed to your pain inadvertently.  Then I remembered that I just rearranged the bedroom and plugged the charger into a different outlet.  Previously, I would hear that once in a great while.  So it probably wasn't as bad as all that.  But still - I was not trying to make anything worse for you.

Today, however, I decided that what I really need to do is dig you up and reanimate you so I can kill you again.  I am so irritated with you right now!

Before S was born, I had a convertible.  While we were building the house, we lived in an apartment, and the garage was full of all our furniture from our previous house that we couldn't fit in the apartment.  So I had to park the car on the street, and then I had a car cover for the convertible.  It was about 6 years old then and had never lived outside the garage.  When we first started thinking about a baby, we traded the convertible in on a new Maxima.  You had always wanted one.  I liked it - 300 hp, comfortable, silver so it never looked dirty.  It was great.  

After S was born, you were on a cleaning rampage, and you were a big Craigslist user.  We got so many things from Craigslist and sold quite a bit too.  One of the things we decided to sell was the car cover.  A man came over to buy it, and we started talking to him.  We were discussing how we would play music for the baby at nap time.  It turned out that he was a music producer, and he came back later with some CDs.  One of the CDs was an Arvo Part CD.  I had no idea who he was, but we enjoyed the music.  A few years later, we were doing another cleanout, and I sold my CD player/stereo system at a garage sale.  A few months later, I found the Arvo Part CD case, with no CD, and you blamed me for leaving it in the CD player when I sold it.  You were all kinds of mad about it because you enjoyed it too.

This morning, I went downstairs to paint and turned on the stereo system.  I went over to the CD collection to find something to listen to while I painted.  I couldn't find anything I wanted in the left hand shelves, but I grabbed one of those travel CD sleeves we had where you could put your CDs in without the bulky cases and started flipping through.  About 2/3 of the way through, what do I find but the Arvo Part CD. :/  So all that time blaming me, and you were the one who relocated it to a mystery location.  ARGHHH!  But I listened to it today - it was nice.  Still wanna kill you though, despite the music being Da Pacem.

Aside from that, I had to send your daughter a bunch of warm clothes because she's freezing at school.  Her not-boyfriend took them up.  She then was asking me if she should have broken up with him before she left for school.  Sometimes, she's a dummy, because the answer was OF COURSE.  I got a bunch of baseball cards graded - none of them are worth much of anything.  I have one more group to send.  I probably need to send them soon, because I don't know that people will continue to have disposable income for much longer.  I am going to sell some of your silver, though.  It's at almost $50 an ounce, so you would be very pleased about that.  Off the check the spot price to see if I will get that done tomorrow.

Love,

A

I'm supposed to be reading

 Dear John,

My book is due at the library tomorrow, so I need to finish it.  But instead, here I am writing a note to you.  

First, the dog.  Poor Eddie is 13 and having a really rough year.  He got attacked by the neighbor's dog.  Then he got diabetes.  Then his cataracts bloomed and he lost vision practically overnight.  Now he's got glaucoma in one eye.  That dog is costing me a ton of money, which is why you would never have approved of having one.  I felt so bad for him when it became obvious that he couldn't see.  Then, with the glaucoma, the vet said it may come down to removing his eye.  I don't want that to happen - he has spent all of his time watching me since I got him, and it would be the most difficult thing for him to lose one of his big brown eyes.  So far, the medicine is working, though, so I hope it will be stable enough.  Meanwhile, he can't see, and apparently has no memory of the floor plan, so he's wandering around bumping into things.  It's so sad.  I ordered him an apparatus to help him detect when he's close to the walls and stuff, but I suspect he'll hate it.

Second, it's time to rearrange the bedroom.  There was an incident this evening and it involved a cricket (trigger warning for my friend Mel who hates crickets).  I was going into the bedroom and I saw something black on the floor right by the door.  So I turned the light on to see what it was.  It was a cricket.  This is about the 3rd one I've seen in the house this year.  I retreated to the kitchen to grab a paper towel to grab the cricket and smash it.  I went back, grabbed, smashed, checked the paper towel for cricket remains, and there were none.  So, I closed the door to see if it was behind there.  Your mom gave me some maps of Iraq that your dad made when you were stationed there the first time (I wonder if he was supposed to take those home with him - one would think they were being used in the conflict at the time.  But I don't know how Defense Mapping worked, so maybe it was fine?) - I kept them behind the door.  I moved the maps, and the cricket was there.  Along with a companion.  They were very slow crickets, so I was able to smash and grab them both.  But I saw the dust on the baseboard, and now I have to move everything and clean it thoroughly.  So I might as well rearrange things.  It's been the same way for 20 years, so it's probably time for a change.  The dog is going to be confused.  

Third, your daughter asked me to visit your grave and leave flowers for you.  She was pretty pleased when I made 2 bouquets from the one I bought - one was her school's colors; the other was the remaining flowers.  Not sure what was behind her request, but I was happy to accommodate her.  And you should also be subjected to all the school spirit stuff that she's very into right now.   On the school front, she's finally adjusting to being there.  She's getting good grades.  But the big news is that after not even 2 months, she's decided to rent an apartment with her friends.  I don't know how that will work out for her.  I told her that I would give her as much as I'm paying for her room and board this year.  Anything above that will be her problem.  (Anything less will be refunded to me.  😂😂😂)  I guess it will be good for her.  It will definitely be more space.  She'll have to learn to feed herself.  She'll get more privacy.  I told her to reach out to one of your sisters - she laughed at me because we really don't talk to that sister (K) much.  But K had some crazy roommates in college, so she would be a good resource.

Fourth, I started a pollinator garden.  The dead pine tree got removed, and the grass they planted was a terrible mix of things that mostly appear to be crabgrass.  There were a lot of bare spots.  So, I decided I'm going to throw a bunch of wildflower seeds out and see what pops up.  I got some fake rock edging - I wanted real stone, but since all the electric and cable wires run through there, I didn't want to dig.  I don't know how it will hold up.  Maybe by the time the plastic wears out, it will be S's problem.  I bought some milkweed and other wildflower seeds from LiveMonarch.com.  I hope we'll eventually get some Monarchs to stop by and maybe drop some eggs.  I also took out all the seeds we collected over the years.  I put most of them in the dirt, so I hope they will sprout in the spring.  But I have some that I will plant in seed starter and transplant out there next spring.  It will be a project.  It was good for me to haul all that dirt, though.  Enforced exercise.  S's boyfriend is supposed to come by with a chainsaw this weekend.  The cherry tree in back has some dead limbs that are a little too big for the sawzall.  I cleaned up the flower beds in front a little too.  I really need to move to condo where yard work is someone else's problem.  But I'm too cheap to pay monthly HOA fees.  Sigh...

Aside from that, not much else is going on.  I'm transferring Super 8 movies to digital files.  I've made it to 1968, so I have a couple more years to go.  The fam seems to be enjoying the things I've posted on FB.  We had a lively discussion about the dogs we had over the years today too, as a result of things I saw on one of the films.  No idea what's going on with your family.  I guess I'd better get back to my book.  I've got quite a bit to finish before tomorrow.

Love,

A

Happiness?

Dear John,

I saw a movie preview the other night and it really gave me pause.  The movie is called Eternity, and the premise is that a man dies and gets to choose his afterlife.  Coincidentally, his wife dies shortly thereafter too, and he assumes she will spend eternity with him.  But the wrench in the works is that she had a first husband who died in the war.  So, who will she choose?  There are A LOT of logical problems with this scenario.  But I was thinking about whether either of us would choose to spend eternity together.  And I don't know the answer to that.  Thus, perhaps, my preference for lights out, that's it, the end.  And yet, here I am.  Still talking to you.  

I went to visit your grave today, and, possibly due to that, I didn't have much to say.  I brought you some flowers from Costco - they were on sale, which you would appreciate.  All I had to say was that you needed to go and spend some time inspiring your daughter to have a better attitude about college and help her get her studying methods in order.  I guess it worked, as she called me this afternoon to tell me that she got cheap meds from the clinic (Ricola cough drops, and generic benadryl, sudafed, and mucinex for $5!  Total!) and that her calculus tutor was good, but her chem tutor is useless, so she'll have to find another option.  It was the first time in a week or so that she's been even remotely enthusiastic.  So, it's good that she's feeling better.  I hope that was your doing.

Aside:  I am currently watching House Hunters International, and these Americans are looking at houses in Melbourne.  The only non-annoying person on the show is the realtor (and you know how I hate realtors!).  After the wife bitched about the size of the oven for a second time, you could see the realtor getting irritable as she reminded her that it is standard size for Australia.  Then, as they were discussing location, the realtor gets on and says that the couple seems to be deliberately choosing opposite things they find necessary and she just wants to knock their heads together.  She REALLY doesn't like the wife.  Me too, random Australian realtor.  Me too.

One of my friends recommended a book to me.  It had a paragraph in it that made me immediately wish I could read it to you.  It said "Then I started to think about two things.  How people present versus who they are.  We all do it to a greater or lesser degree.  I once read that the secret to happiness lies in the gap between how one sees oneself and how others see us.  The smaller the gap between the two, the happier the person."  That struck me so hard - you were such a mass of contradictions.  When you were projecting confidence and knowledge, you appreciated when people would take you seriously.  But inside, I think you were never completely sure of yourself.  You had such self-doubt, so you imagined that when people would come to you for advice you imagined they were foolish for trusting you.  On the other hand, when you WERE sure of yourself, you would find that people ignored you (myself included, sometimes).  And so, when you did have confidence, others immediately undermined it.  How could you ever be happy with that kind of constant contradiction?  No wonder you couldn't find any enjoyment in anything.

I don't feel like this applies to me, because I'm pretty confident and I really don't worry much about  what other people think.  But you, with your concern about appearances, and your self-image that suffered from so much doubt - you craved external validation.  You wanted me to be a cheerleader, but I am, unfortunately, a realist.  But you took every failure and internalized it.  There would never be a time when the gap between how you saw yourself and how others saw you was close.  I think therapy would have helped you realize that your failures were a product of your willingness to take chances.  That your self-doubt should have been cured by your many, many successes.  Instead, you kept widening that gap until happiness was impossible to achieve.  Now, in my opinion, happiness is momentary.  Contentment is what you should seek, because that's longer-lasting and stable.  You wanted the highs, but found yourself far more entangled in the lows.  I guess you fell into the gap and couldn't find your way back out.

OK - enough of the serious stuff - I'm on my 3rd episode of House Hunters International.  Episode 2 was a couple who moved from Branson to Spain.  The wife was originally from Spain, but she weirdly sounded very much like that sister of yours I don't speak to, who, coincidentally, also lived in Branson.  Episode 3 was a dude from Canada and his wife who was, I think, originally from Fiji who were moving to Australia.  He was obsessed with being skinny.  Episode 4 is an American in the UK.  Should be entertaining.

OK, well I hope the deer have enjoyed eating your flowers.  I'll be signing off.  I'm going to visit my sister and the former foster dog on Friday.  Next week, I will probably go visit S and then maybe on to my other sister's.  I was going to stay for a week.  Then I thought I'd stay for 2 weeks and see S for her birthday on the way back home.  Now, I can't stay 2 weeks because I have CDs maturing.  The nerve of all this stuff infringing on my unscheduled time.

Love,

A

End of an era

 Dear John,

We went for a quick visit to my sister's this week.  It was a perfect time to go.  S goes away to school in a little over a week.  We got to go to the pool in my sister's town for the last time.  She used to live across the street from the pool, so we would go every summer.  It was a great wave pool, but the town said that the pool, as well as the park complex, has outlived its usefulness.  The last day was today (we went on Friday), and it will all be knocked down.  They've already redone the park where we spent a lot of our summer visits.  And as we were driving home, I was so sad that you wouldn't be here to greet us and hear all our stories.

We spent some time with your family as well.  S went to visit her cousins in Chicago for a weekend last month - she took the train by herself.  It was a great time.  She really connects with those particular cousins.  You would approve, as they're your next younger sister's kids.  I got to see the older cousin when we were there this weekend.  She's got about 5 different career paths going - I hope she finds one that will actually support her.  But she's a good kid, and I'm sure she'll figure it out.

We saw your mom - S got her a rosary when she was in Rome.  It's a Jubilee year, so IMO, all religious items are papally blessed!  Your youngest sister came by while we were there, and I gave her a few remembrances of you.  S doesn't approve.  She's not a fan of any of your sisters except the oldest, really.  But since that sister is the only one who reached out to ask, I did not see a problem with selecting some of your things.  I gave her things that are wholly sentimental and totally representative of you but not monetarily valuable.  She was fine with that, but didn't want your mom to even see what she had, because your mom already gave away something of hers to the sister I refuse to speak to.  I'm trying not to be angry about that, since there's nothing I can do.

We also saw your brother's wife.  She arranged for S to get a nice scholarship from a veteran's charity that she supports.  Well, she encouraged S to apply for it, and S was one of two applicants for 3 scholarships, so...  Anyway, we saw her to pick up the check.  S can use it for anything, so that's nice.  Your brother's wife said that he's becoming more like you every day.  More anxious, less social.  We talked a bit and ended up at "Man, it sure sucks when you have to admit that John was right about some things."  And your youngest sister regrets that she let you push her away especially when you were clearly right about some of the issues you all argued about.

This week will be busy as S gets ready to leave for school.  While I know I will be OK without her, that's probably because I know she won't ever let me actually be without her.  She has already said that she will call me every day.  I'm not sure if she will keep that up, though I know she will start off that way.  My sister's husband will be coming to help us with the move-in.  He's definitely not you, but I think S will appreciate having the extra support and help.  We're going to see my other sister to visit the foster dog.  She's got hang-outs scheduled for all her friends.  We're having a nice dinner on Friday.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

The only thing I'm looking forward to when S leaves is that I can get the house straightened out and then not have anyone come and mess it up.  I have given up for now, as she has all her things spread everywhere to get organized for school.  Also, she's going through her slob phase.  Hope she's gotten it out of her system so her roommate doesn't kill her. 

Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot this week.  Wish you were here for this transition - you in your early form, where you would have been excited to help S arrange things and glad to send her off to her future.  You were never really like that once she was born - it was all fear for her, all the time.  But the man I first met would have sent her off, complained about the expense, and been excited for all the challenges she would face.  I wish she had known more than a glimpse of him.

Love,

A

Communication

 Dear John,

I felt you were speaking to me through music today.  One song that makes me think of you came on in the car, and then when I got out of the car and went into the restaurant, the other song that makes me think of you came on.  Not sure if you're just popping in to say hi, or if there's something else going on.  I mean, I have some ideas for you, if you're looking for tasks.  None of them are ideas I should put in writing, so I guess I'll go with...I hope you're letting me know that you'll be watching S when she goes on her trip next week.  Italy and Greece - places where you would have loved to go.  I wish you had given yourself the chance.

Now that graduation is done, and college registration is done (ugh.  Your daughter.  If only she listened.  But...whatever.  Tuition is waived so as long as she finishes in 4 years, she's golden.), I've been working on the baseball cards.  I got a bunch of them graded.  I've sold about a dozen, and made most of the grading money back.  That means I have another 17 or so to sell that will be all profit.  I have at least another 40 that will be worth grading, so I will need to get that done.  I think it will be to my benefit to join their stupid club to get a better rate on the grading.  I hate to throw money away, but either way, it's going to happen.  Grading eases the sales, though.  It's hard to argue when you know exactly what you're getting. 

Some jerkoff lowballed me on one of the cards I had listed.  Then he sent another lowball offer for another card.  I sent him a counter, and he was all "but I was buying 2 of your cards!  That's why I should get a 30% discount!"  Fuck right off out of here with that bullshit, sir.  I don't think you understand how a bulk deal works, but I do.  It means you get a lower price if you pay for a less desirable item to go with your fairly valued items.  Anyway, I ended up selling one of those cards almost immediately after turning him down for the amount I thought I would get.  The other may be slightly overpriced, but the guy JUST died in December, so I was hoping to ride on that.  I may have to lower the price.  All in all, though, it's been fairly low key so far.

I can't remember if I told you about your youngest sister contacting me to ask about the stuff I donated to the vocational school that was your dad's.  She was looking for something sentimental, like tools (I guess?), but I was all...I didn't think you wanted boxes of nails and screws.  She agreed that she didn't, but then asked if I had kept the letters and stuff that she had sent you.  I sent her photos of those when I was going through things just after you died, but threw some of it away since the response I got was unenthusiastic.  Then she said that she had a scarf that you had brought back from Afghanistan, but your sister that I refuse to speak to said that it was hers, and your mom backed her up, so your youngest sister felt compelled to give it to her.  That fucking bitch.  I did not directly address it (though, to be sure, I absolutely mentioned how I remembered her having it), but I have a couple more, so I will see that she gets one.  I will also find her letters/drawings and a couple other things for her.  

So, starting Monday, I will get a taste of the future.  S is leaving for 12 days for her senior trip.  She is not a fan of all the people on the trip, but she really wants to go to Italy and Greece.  My sister and I talked her into overlooking how much she dislikes her former schoolmates and look only at how awesome the trip itself will be.  She probably should have transferred to the Asia trip, since she loved the teacher that was chaperoning that trip.  But she wasn't quite ready for the destination.  Anyway, she'll have a great time, and I will be all by myself.  It will be weird, but when she goes off to school, I will have some experience.  

Aside from that, the pine tree came down and they ground the stump out.  Once the tree came down, S kept telling me I should also take care of the maple that had seeded itself there.  I was going to, but fortunately, the electric company came by and took care of it with two swipes of their chainsaw.   I'm currently watering the grass seed, and it's coming in pretty well.  I can't decide if I want to put in a sort of wild butterfly garden or if I want to put in a new tree.  S's friend's dad (who cuts down trees, apparently) suggested an arbor vitae, but...no.  We have enough.  I would like a dogwood, but I don't know if I want the mess of the petals.  So maybe just a bunch of plants that will reseed themselves?  I don't know.  Or maybe I'll just leave it with grass.  I almost fell off the ladder the other day.  I was cleaning the gutters in the back, and overbalanced.  Fortunately, I caught myself.  I need to get the other ladder out there to get up higher, and cut back some of the cherry tree.  Ugh.

One of the cases I worked ended up on 20/20 the week before last.  I wasn't mentioned, but my work was!  Everyone agreed that they could have condensed the story significantly, but it's still kind of cool to see.  I had lunch with one of the newer kids from work, and she reports that management is still confused about why morale didn't immediately improve once I left and stopped bringing everyone down.  The big boss also retired - every now and then, I consider dusting off the resume and putting in for the job.  Those fuckers would lose their minds.  Then I remember that I don't want a job.

Anyway, now I need a nap.  Missing you - thanks for the musical cues.  

Love,

A

Now what?

 Dear John,

S and I visited your grave today, to place some of the flowers we had around the house.  Between Mother's Day and graduation, we had multiple bouquets.  So we took them and placed them on about 10 graves in your row.  You got the pink carnations that decorated the tables from the graduation party.  It made a nice arrangement, in S's preferred shade. 

The graduation party was a success, in spite of all the fighting beforehand.  When S has an idea of what she wants, and reality doesn't live up to it, she gets very upset.  It ruins her whole experience.  Even though she was frustrated with me for not being able to implement her vision, she finally figured out that what I did provide was the funding, and people who could help her figure it out.  And with last minute trips to Ikea and Walmart, we got it done.  My friends showed up for me and for her.  My family showed up for us.  She had a great time, and it worked out well.

We were expecting your family, and they showed up in spite of a water emergency at your mom's house.  Your brother and SIL came on time, because the charity for which your SIL volunteers gave S a scholarship.  (I was quite irritated with S about it.  Your SIL sent a text encouraging her to apply - because their criteria is very specific, they don't have a lot of applicants - and S totally blew through the deadline.  It got extended, and S wrote a nice essay.)  

Your sisters and your mom showed up very late - almost everyone had already left.  Something happened at your mom's house to flood the basement.  I'm not sure what exactly happened, though they initially thought it was backed up sewers.  I don't think it was.  But the husbands were left behind to deal with it, while your sisters and the kids came along.  It was nice to see them.  Your next oldest sister came down from Michigan, so S went to see them all again on Monday.  She had a nice conversation with her closest-in-age cousin.  I'm glad she got to do that.

You, of course, would have been horrified.  We had my 3 sisters and their spouses, one of my nieces, my friend, and 4 dogs in the house.  We had probably 40-50 people come through the party.  It was fun, but exhausting.

S really enjoyed her graduation too.  She was salutatorian, and her speech was wonderful.  We were discussing the valedictorian - the girl who got S in trouble in 1st or 2nd grade.  First, S said that her mom, who teaches at the high school, did all the girl's homework, and that's why she was valedictorian.   Next, the girl chose to speak first, instead of the typical ending speech for valedictorian because "she was too nervous to wait that long to speak."  Then, as we listened to her speech, both S and I recognized that a good portion of it was ChatGPT.  S asked for a ChatGPT speech, got that drivel, laughed, and then wrote a good speech.  My BIL also brought his camera to take pictures of everything, and she was happy with those pictures too.  All in all, it was a very good day.

Now that it's over...I don't have much going on.  I guess I should figure out a volunteer opportunity, but I don't feel like it yet.  I could get a job.  I don't think I want that.  I kind of just want to hunker down, and stay home for a good long time.  Maybe I'll get bored.  

The front pine tree is gone.  They came to cut it down on Tuesday.  I was so sad to see it go.  Now I can see the neighbors.  I don't care for that.  I'm not sure what I will put in its place.  I also got some of the other trees trimmed, so that's good.  

Finally, the place behind us sold.  Turns out that one of my friends knows who bought it.  I hope they will be good neighbors.  With any luck, they too will plant a bunch of trees.  Good luck to them with the renovations.  

We miss you on all of these days.  I wish we could have bought the house - it would have been a great project for you.  I wish you could have seen your daughter graduate.  I was telling my friend about something you did when we moved down here, and even though she knew you then, she was surprised to learn that you were far more social and friendly before you went to Afghanistan.  Well.

Love,

A

Incoming

 Dear John,

Well, your daughter is about to graduate from high school.  You've missed all the triumphs and the drama.  The friends, the crushes, the dating, the dances, the driver's license, her work experiences...I know it would have all looked very different under your watch.  But she's still a very well-rounded young woman.  She's got two jobs.  She handles the public well.  She takes good care of her friends, even though they are frequently irritating to her.  She's traveled some.  She's ready for the future.

She's also driving me nuts.  Since you're not here to put a damper on it, we're having an open house after graduation.  She is just like you in that when I tell her that I am not skilled at something and do not wish to do it, she thinks I should do it anyway.  So, the plans for the open house are a major source of contention.  It started with the food - I said I would make pulled pork.  It's easy, versatile, and can stay warm all day.  You can make sandwiches or tacos.  Anyway, she vetoed that.  So now we'll be getting some sandwiches.  We also have to rent tables and chairs, get decorations and tablecloths, make balloon arches, get photo posters and banners and streamers.  It's a nightmare and she's mad that I refuse to be more involved.  The thing is, I told her from the start that I can't help.  I referred her to my oldest sister and my friend for help, and she just wants me to do it all.  It will all work out, but we may kill each other before the party.

I had a garage sale in an effort to clean out the garage for the party.  It worked out pretty well, as I sold the old refrigerator and washer, more of your clothes, including the coat you had made in Afghanistan, and many tools.  I also ended up donating all of your (and your dad's) giant collection of fasteners and other parts to the vocational program at S's school.  They were happy to have the stuff, and I thought it was a great idea to help out a trades program. They did not want all your old corded tools.  I got rid of the drywall drivers (don't even know where those came from), but held on to the router.  And the bench grinder.  And a corded circular saw.  For what, I don't know.  

Meanwhile, one of the pine trees has died.  The biggest one.  The one that blocks us from street view.  I have a couple estimates to take it down.  My lawn guy will do it for a competitive price, but I'd rather have someone who's solely a tree service.  I'm sad that it's going to be gone.  S said that since you and your 'friend' did the last tree removal for free, it averages out to much cheaper.  Girl math or dollar cost averaging?  She's definitely your daughter.

It's a rough month coming up.  5 years ago, we were doing silver deals at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.   Things have definitely changed.