$$$$$

 Dear John,

Welp, we got a new car.  It's really a foolish purchase.  I don't need 2 cars and S could definitely live without one.  But I'm used to having full access to my car all the time.  And I want her to have a social life, which means a car in this area.  

The old car had at least $1000 worth of repairs needed.  Brakes, oil change, battery (how is the 10 year old original battery still working?!), side mirror, and then there was the air bag light that came on, which is what prompted the purchase.  No way I was paying to diagnose that, especially since it was probably a battery issue.  Do I feel bad for sticking the dealership with that car?  Well, I did, until the salesman was telling me how they were actually losing money on my sale.  Um...I doubt that.  He gave me some story about selling to a fleet with a $6000 profit the day before, which lets him give good prices to regular people.  Sure.  Invoice price was almost $3000 less than I paid, and they threw in some aftermarket plastic floormats.  OK.  I will check their website to see if they actually do the repairs or just send it to auction and let it become someone else's problem.  S was supposed to clean out the old car before we traded it in, but she left all your Johnny Cash CDs in there.  Our salesman actually dropped them at our house.  That was nice of him.  Now I have to go do some internet stalking to see how far out of his way he went.

They aren't making the Maxima any more.  And they didn't have any new ones.  All the ones they had were being driven by staff.  I almost bought a used one with 8000 miles.  But the insurance would be more, and the one I bought has a heated steering wheel.  That's really the only feature I wanted.  S is now driving my Maxima.  I have the new car.  I'm not excited about it for two reasons.  First, it's my first major purchase in 20 years that I've made without your input.  You liked to take the new cars and push them to their limits.  I enjoyed watching you enjoy the cars we've bought.  It feels pretty empty without you.  Second, I just don't really care about it.  I've been excited about the last few cars that we bought and super happy with the ones I bought before we were together.  But this is just...blah.  There's nothing else on the market I want either.  You would never have bought this car.  It's the higher end version of an Altima, and you always said the resale value suffers in comparison.  I hope to keep this one until it's time to buy electric.  Or maybe I'll buy something else in 3 years, and send this one to college with S.  

We're headed off to our Alaskan cruise soon.  I'm glad my aunt will come and watch the dogs (and therefore, the house) for us.  I worry about her driving so far, but I think she's looking at it like a vacation.  I am certain she needs the money I will be paying her, but she won't let me help her otherwise.  When her dog was sick, I told her to let me know if she needed help with the vet bills.  I thought she was going to break down when I offered.  She's very independent, so I'm sure she'll be fine.  Worst case scenario is that S and I have to drive her home.  

I was afraid the refrigerator stopped working today.  Every now and then, it just shuts itself off VERY ostentatiously.  Like, it's always making some kind of noise, and then, suddenly, it's absolutely silent.  I don't know why.  But it's still running.  I hope it keeps going.  I'm pretty fond of it.  Also, I don't want to spend another $1000+ for a new one right now.  I also need a new grill.  I suppose I could just buy burner covers so as not to char my food when cooking, but that style is obsolete and I'm sure there are more parts decomposing.  Sigh.  Do I need 5 burners?  No, but the smaller ones are ridiculously small.  The blu-ray player is acting up too.  Those are getting harder to find.  I need you here to find me the best deals.  

Your daughter just ran in with 3 minutes to spare before her curfew.  She has been trying my patience on that score.  It's nice that she's hanging out with friends.  But she thinks there are no rules.  And several of her friends live in questionable areas.  She's smart, and doesn't invite trouble, so that's good.  

I guess your brother and his family went up to see your sister in Michigan.  If nothing else, your death seems to have brought the rest of them closer.  I couldn't see your brother driving that far for vacation under any other circumstances.  

I had a sex dream about you the other night.  I really wish you were here for the real thing.

Love,

A

Summer vacation

 Dear John,

S and I made our annual trek to my sister's house.  This time, it was mostly for me to go and see The Cure with my bestie.  You would get so mad at me for listing her instead of you as my best friend.  But you were my husband - that's closer than a best friend.  Anyway, we went out for dinner and then went to the concert and it was everything I expected and more.  I was able to recapture much nostalgia from my teen years.  They played the songs that made me think of you, as well as my favorite songs and some new music.  It was an incredible show.

We also visited a friend from work and her puppy as usual.  We got to see my nephew's new apartment.  We did our usual shopping.  We walked the dogs a lot.  My other friend's husband fell off his neighbor's roof and broke his femur.  I took some food over for her and the girls.  We had to come home early, though, so S could go to work.  I'm not sure why she feels compelled to go to work all the time - she's mildly obsessed with building up her bank account.

While we were there, we drove around the campus of one university and took a tour of another.  The tour was OK - it gave S a start in considering what size school she would like to attend.  She was concerned that university was religious; she thought they would be trying to force their religion onto her.  My sister was supposed to go with us, but she had to work - it's her alma mater, and she would have been very enthusiastic and very obnoxious.  Instead, as we passed the DEI office, our tour guide spoke about all the clubs and other LGBTQ-friendly activities, and then asked "do you have any questions?"  I, of course, responded "Many, but I will keep them to myself for now."  She looked confused, as if she'd never considered the conflict between a Catholic university and LGBTQ-friendliness.  It is a very nice campus, and the school is pretty good.  S enjoyed the tour but doesn't appreciate that I have expanded her choices, as she often suffers from decision paralysis.

Meanwhile, I got a rejection letter from the VA for paying for the EMTs who came to the house the day you died.  First they rejected it for the wrong birthdate.  This time, and I thought I was going to lose my mind when I read it, they rejected it because you weren't transported, some other nonsense, IT WASNT IN RESPONSE TO A SUICIDAL CRISIS, and some other nonsense.  Seriously?!?!   I called Community Care, and they told me to call the patient advocates.  Unfortunately, I burned almost all your paperwork, so I didn't have the name of the guy you used to talk to.  But I called one of the guys at the local office.  He had me email the bill, and I sent your death certificate that says suicide right on it.  I hope he'll get it taken care of.  I could just pay the bill, but you know...principle.

Speaking of decision paralysis, I am apparently angry about car shopping.  The dealership where we got our last car called, texted, and emailed me this morning, because I was inquiring about trade-in value.  My reply started with "You all are relentless.  Call, text, and email."  I did identify our previous sales guy, who I spoke to later in the afternoon.  It seems as though my email was passed around for amusement.  I also stopped at another dealership while I was out the other day.  I told them that their website does not give adequate information about the cars - it just takes you from photo to photo while giving minimal information that I want to know.  The sales guy they sent me to basically went and found someone else to deal with me.  He was sort of helpful, in that he did the opposite of trying to sell me a vehicle.  He told me that electric cars are only good if you're never driving more than 100 miles.  The general view on battery charging - you know, the one I always refused to accept as true: don't let the battery run down or charge fully - is recommended.  He made a vague suggestion about an SUV, but then more or less walked me out.  I guess they do appointments for car sales now.  

S and I went to look at new cars.  I'm back to the same old place - you said you wouldn't buy another Nissan, but...I can't find anything else I like.  I looked at the Subaru WRX - we didn't even get in the car, because it felt like it was going to be too small.  I test drove a Kia - it was OK, but I hated the shifting.  Now I have to decide if I want a used Maxima (low miles, lots of extras) or a new Altima (more money, but even more extras).  It's exhausting, and I hate it.  But whatever...it must be done.  I don't want an SUV, though I should probably get one.  I would like a hybrid, but none of them have enough power.  I need a nap.

Love,

A

Maybe you are still out there?

 Dear John,

Yesterday, I was out shopping.  I went to my favorite junk store only to find that it is going out of business.  It was a place I would make an excuse to go to when visiting your grave - you'd be pretty unhappy with me for driving 30+ miles to stand by your grave for 5 minutes before going back home.  So I would wait til I needed gas (it's cheaper there), and stop by the store to see if they had any new random items that I might need.  It's been very annoying to get there lately anyway.  The JC Penney furniture store where we bought the couches for our first house closed a few years ago, and they're redoing the little plaza and moving things around.  It will now look like every other strip mall.  :/  Anyway, while I was there, I was thinking about how distant you seem.  How it's been so long since I saw you or talked to you.  Even though I miss you, it's not as intense most of the time.  It feels like you're fading in a way.

But then, S sent me a picture of the car dashboard on her way home from work last night - the airbag light is now on.  According to the internet, it might be due to a battery thing.  Since we're still working with an almost 10 year old battery, that's my guess.  But it may also be a spring or something even more expensive.  Anyway, if I didn't already have signs that it was time to trade in the car, that was it.  And none of the car dealerships around here seem to have anything I want, but there is a whole street full of them over past my favorite junk store.  So, maybe that's where I'm supposed to be shopping for cars - so I can have another excuse to stop by.  Maybe you're still directing my life in the only ways you can.

In spite of all the rust discoloring the top of your headstone, no one has removed the watch movement.  I found out that it's a custom to leave coins on the tops of veterans' graves, so maybe that's why.  I'm just surprised it's still there.  I hope it stays - it seems fitting to have a bit of your favorite hobby there.

I hate car shopping.  I will never feel like I paid a good price for a car.  I guess I'll have to figure out how to negotiate to the point where I don't feel like I've been duped.  (Upon reflection, that's what happened with my first two cars that I bought before you came into my life.)  Maybe I'm older and wiser now.  They can't get me on financing, anyway.  And trade-ins are getting good deals right now, since there's a shortage of good used cars.  Maybe it won't be horrible.  Who am I kidding?  It's already horrible.  Car sales people are stalkers and harassers. UGH.

I was just reading and responding to comments on an old post and realized that I forgot to tell you about the events when I was cleaning up the yard!  I had a full post about our wildlife and forgot to mention it.  The dogs were outside, barking their fool heads off, as usual.  I was walking by with a wheelbarrow full of branches, and yelling at them to be quiet.  Then I noticed that they were standing at one end of the patio and barking at the other side of the patio, instead of yelling at one of the neighbor dogs.  When I looked over, there was a very tense, rather large snake curled up under some of the columbine.  I know you would have done something different, but I just put the dogs back in the house and went back to trimming stuff, leaving the snake space to find his way out of there safely.  Of course, the last snake you killed WAS climbing up a tree, and I agree that having a snake fall out of a tree onto you is unacceptable.  So, if I do see this guy climbing trees, he's going to have a meeting with the hoe.  But for now, he can just find a way to keep to himself.  

Next time, I'll tell you about our trip to my sister's and the ongoing saga of me vs the VA.

Love,

A

I guess we're out of the loop

 Dear John,

I keep getting graduation screenshots from your brother's wife of your sister's kids' graduations.  I guess C is sending the livestream links to her.  I don't know who all she's sending the links to - your mom too, I think.  Maybe everyone but me.  The oldest has graduated from the School of the Art Institute, and the twins graduated from High School.  Not that I'm terribly worried about not being included - makes it easier for me to use my time more wisely at holidays.  S is still offended that your mother more or less thinks S is her cousin.  The other day, I told her that it was nice they had a good relationship when she was young, anyway.  She was not impressed.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead...I apparently woke up in The Godfather this morning.  No horse head in my bed, but there was a deer head on the front walk.  It was pretty small, so probably a fawn.  Also, there was poop near the head, on the driveway, and down the sidewalk.  I found it when I went out early to walk the dogs - the whole time I was walking them, I was laughing and saying "WHAT THE FUCK?"  When we got back, I looked across the lawn and saw a carcass - thought maybe it was just more parts from the deer.  I put the dogs inside, got the shovel and a rake and started cleaning up the carnage.  When I got to the carcass...it turned out to be an eviscerated rabbit.  Cue another round of WHAT THE FUCK?  Of course, I took pictures and posted them on Facebook.  I will refrain from adding them here though.

No one has made me an offer that I can't refuse, so I can only conclude that it was coyotes.

Dead animal total for this year so far: 3

It's a good thing I'm not particularly squeamish.  Old dog is constantly rooting around in the "garden" (you know, that place where you set aside a location to plant vegetables that is directly under a bunch of trees?  So nothing vegetable or flower-wise (except columbine) ever grows?  That garden.) and coming up with random bones.  I was looking at the strawberries yesterday, and I think there was a vertebrae of some sort in there.  

I cleaned the garage last weekend - I came out at one point and there was a lizard sitting just outside the garage.  He looked at me reproachfully, like I had just ruined his living room or something.  Sorry, little gecko, but you're not doing your job of keeping the garage bug-free.  I saw multiple centipedes in there the other night when I was taking out the trash.  I still have to clean and organize the third bay, though.

Speaking of centipedes, I found one in the fucking dishwasher last week.  I opened it, and saw something moving, so I closed it and got a napkin to smash whatever was in there (again, good thing I'm not that squeamish).  But it was sitting on the utensil tray, so I lifted the whole thing out, ran it across to the front door, and flung the little critter out onto the front porch.  He ran around in circles for a bit - I'm sure he was also saying WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!  A week later, S and I went out to walk the dogs, and there's a centipede crawling around on the first arch on the porch.  I can only assume that it's the same one and he lives there now.  

If this keeps up...I may have to move.  I am not down with being the neighborhood killing field and bug sanctuary.  

6 more days til I get to see The Cure.  

I wish you were here to fling dead animals into the trees instead of me.

Love,

A