Tuesday, March 5, 2024

First Quarter

 Dear John,

 2024 hasn't really started out well - it's not terrible, but it's not good either.  I'm hoping that all the misery gets itself out of the way by the end of the month.  2 years after you're gone seems like a good time for things to improve.  We're going to start a little early with a vacation on the anniversary of your death.  There will be an eclipse the week after we return, and we're going to my sister's for the totality.  Then my grievance goes to arbitration at work.  So, April better be the turning point of this year. 

Still missing you a lot.  I don't really know how people move on.  I guess they're more comfortable letting people into their lives, where I am somewhat more reserved.  I read a lot of Reddit, and there are all these people who get married again within a year or two of their spouse's death.  I can't even imagine dating.  I don't even really want to go out and make friends.  Half the time, I don't want to hang out with my current friends.  I'm a little motivated to travel, but I also feel like I could just stay at home all the time and not feel too terrible about it.  

I am sort of enjoying watching American Idol without you complaining about the judges' commentary.  So that's an improvement.   I miss you finding the people to follow and remembering what they sang.   I miss having you around to discuss shows and movies.  I miss having to feed you all the time.  I don't want to cook - S is never home, but when she is...there's nothing to eat because I can't be bothered to cook for myself.  

The lawn looks terrible.  The weather has been so weird since you've been gone.  I think we're pretty much in a drought.  I need a bunch of rain for the lawn to come back.  The house is still standing.  There have been a lot of weird noises lately - not sure what's going on, although half the time, it's either the giveaway pile falling over or the shower curtain rod falling off the wall.  Every time the temperature changes...but there's A LOT less mold than there was with the shower doors, so I guess I will tolerate the annoyance of hanging the damn thing up every couple months.  

I went to have lunch with you the other day.  I was going to use my Subway gift card and a coupon.  I bought some Doritos and a Baja Blast at Casey's, because I know how disapproving you were when I would do that.  When I got to Subway, their choices for sandwiches you could get with the coupon were nothing I wanted to eat.  So, I skipped the sandwich, and took my Doritos and a blanket and a book, and sat down to enjoy the nice weather.  It was almost 80 degrees.  But it was so windy...the wind took my bag of Doritos, spread them among the graves, and then I had to chase the bag all the way across the field.  I was not amused.  I hate running.  Perhaps the guys who were waiting for the funerals to be done got a laugh out of it.  I'm sure you did.  

I think I've seen some of the cardinals hanging around.  Not sure if they will nest outside the deck again.  The foxes are in the back of the subdivision so far.  I added a few rocks to the spite berm, as well as mulch and pine needles, so I hope they won't be able to tear things up this year.  I've heard coyotes howling.  Haven't seen deer in a while, or hawks.  But we have had a lot of starlings and crows.  

S has been talking to your youngest sister - well, texting.  I think she's going to go down to see her cousins on Friday.  That will be nice.  I sent your mom a Happy Birthday text, which she did not acknowledge.  Your oldest niece, who graduated from art school last summer, got a job.  She'll be moving back to Chicago - not sure if her dad will pay her rent again.  We'll see.  Her brother should graduate next year, I think.  Those are the only family updates I know.

Love,

A


Monday, January 15, 2024

Angels Again

 Dear John,

Our grandmothers were both big into the yarn/needle arts.  Yours crocheted and knitted and quilted.  Mine mostly crocheted, but also did some knitting and sewing.  She supplemented her income by creating bridal handkerchiefs that would have the bride and groom's names and wedding date crocheted into a border.  I tried my hand at one for your sister.  It turned out OK - I don't know if she bothered keeping it.  Anyway, I have a bunch of snowflakes that my grandma crocheted, and a couple from your grandma.  The one that was hanging on the back door finally disintegrated and I had to throw it away, but there's still one for the tree.  Someone also made some angels - I'm not sure who, as my grandma died in 1995.  Anyway, we ended up with 3 of the crocheted angels...perfect for our little family.  

I was taking down the tree yesterday, though, and found that S had only used 2 of the angels.  It made me very sad, but also made me kind of laugh at her pragmatism.  I mean, I put the tree together, and she decorated it, so everything was her choice.  You were well represented with a bunch of ornaments that you made when you were little, and things that were gifted to you over the years.  But that lack of an angel struck me particularly hard.  

I'm still pretty agnostic in general, but I hope that you're providing guardian angel services for us.  I like to think of you looking out for us, even if you can't be here to do it personally.  I have been hearing Shaggy's Angel on the radio quite a bit lately.  I attribute it to you, but I assume some new popular show is using it.

It seems that I have decided to travel on the anniversary of your death now.  Last year, we went on a cruise.  This year, I hadn't really thought about it yet, but then my use-or-lose vacation time got pushed into this year.  So now we're going to Hawaii for a week.  Just me and S this time - it will be our first real vacation alone, with just the two of us.  Our previous trips have been with friends or to visit family.  Or you were there.  I hope it will be fantastic.  

Aside from that, it's been really cold this weekend.  I haven't walked the dogs in a couple days, because it's just too cold.  I might make it out this afternoon for a little bit, but I do not tolerate cold very well any more.  I let S take the new car to work yesterday, so she could enjoy the heated seats and steering wheel.  She said the tires were all underinflated - I will have to add more air, I guess, since it's not getting much warmer this week.  She also said the remote start feature didn't work.  I am not sure if it is different than the old car - I don't really use that feature.  Who knows - you were right though.  More features means more annoyances if something breaks.  Maybe my next car will be that 1966 Jaguar XKE convertible I always wanted.  I can surely learn to do car maintenance and repair, right?  I should have told you to find me one of those - you would have bought it (and then never let me drive it) for a project.  Sigh...

Love,

A

Friday, December 29, 2023

Strength

 Dear John,

Why does everyone think that I am physically weak?  I mean...people generally know that I am smart and capable, and therefore "strong."  And I know that my size reads child rather than adult.  But forever, everyone sees me lifting things and runs to take it from me.  Not you, of course - you would make fun of me for not carrying more blocks.  But I'd be hauling around retaining wall stones for you, and bags of dirt or mulch.  If your mom saw me, she, who used to be an inch or two taller than me, would try to take the item from me like I wasn't able to carry it.  I don't think I've ever had to put my suitcase in the overhead bin on an airplane.  It's really weird to me.

Anyway, this came up yesterday, because I was trying to pull the stove out to clean behind it.  I haven't done it since you've been gone, and I think it was almost a year before that.  I was trying to lift up the front legs to slide some cardboard under there so I didn't scratch the floor, and I called your daughter over to help me.  Your daughter, who spends a lot of time at the gym or using your weights downstairs.  Your daughter who brags about how much she can bench.  That daughter was absolutely useless at tilting the stove...or even lifting it at all.  I basically did it myself, and she said "How are you so strong?"  I was all...how do you spend so much time at the gym and you still can't lift anything?

I guess part of it is that I have stick-like forearms and pretty skinny wrists.  Maybe that's what people notice and assume that's indicative of how much muscle I have.  I guess they don't notice my sturdy Polish legs.  Power comes from your legs anyway.

I guess this is about the last time I can appreciate my ability to lift things, as I really started having issues a couple years ago.  I lifted a 20L can of methanol at work and injured my back.  As long as I don't twist, I'm fine.  But for now, I can still move the stove and refrigerator out to clean.  Aging sucks.

Anyway, it was pretty disgusting back there.  But it's clean now.  And I will try to keep it that way.  On to my next New Year's cleaning binge task.

Love,

A

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Holidays

 Dear John,

I was out to your grave twice this past week.  Probably due to the nonsense going on at work.  You would not approve, but c'est la vie.  You know how I am.  Keeping it vague, because it's too long and stupid to explain.  However, just know that I am right.  😇

I got notification that JD died.  I hadn't really heard from him in quite a while, but I have fond-ish memories of him.  I went to his funeral today - I thought maybe one or two people from work would be there, but I was the only one.  His wife said that he had fought a long battle with cancer.  I would not have reckoned that he would have lasted this long, regardless.  He had not-well-controlled diabetes and heart disease when he retired.  I'm glad I went.  I mentioned you to his wife, and she remembered your name.  We expressed our mutual dislike of DP.  It was a small, but nice, send-off.

Anyway, I'm off work until January 9, I think.  That will be a nice break - a little longer than I expected, but I'm not complaining.  I just scheduled a haircut.  I'm going to work on some craft projects.  I will have to clean the house next week for New Year's.  

I don't have much holiday spirit.  It looks like I will have a good deal of alone time.  S is going to spend Christmas Eve with her boyfriend and his family.  She may have gotten a B on her Spanish final, but she's going to have to pick some of that up, if she spends more time with his family.  I don't know how much English her boyfriend's parents speak.  Your sister invited us to the family Christmas, but S will be at her boyfriend's.  Your mom texted S for the first time in a long time the other day.  I can only assume that the Christmas gift I sent arrived.  😐  I also sent a plant to her friend C - she still remembers every birthday and anniversary, and I just wanted to acknowledge how special she makes people feel just by sending a little card and note.  

Also, in keeping with her John Jr. genes, S got a second job.  Her first one is not scheduling her - since she's an assistant manager, she's too expensive for the events they're having.  So, she's going to bus tables at the restaurant where they have been going before homecoming every year.  She'll be working with one of her friends.  I'm sort of confused about this friend - she seems very nice and is kind to S, but S doesn't really seem interested in deepening the friendship.  Maybe working together will be good for them.  Or, knowing S, who also has some of my tendencies, she'll get sick of the girl and never want to talk to her again.  

I sent some money to the Roth IRA the other day.  Today, I decided to buy some investments.  I bought two things - an ETF, and then increased holdings on a stock that you had purchased (and lost A LOT of money on).  The market immediately tanked, so I think I lost about $400 in 3 hours.  Sigh - good thing I'm a buy and hold kind of person.  Or rather, I'm a don't mess with the stock market kind of person.  I think I'd rather diversify my money into experiences than investments, though, so I will keep looking at all the travel ads and do some fun things once I retire and S goes off to college.  Good thing my sister doesn't mind watching the dogs...

Of all things, I'm having the hardest time feeding myself.  I don't want to cook anything because there's no one to eat it.  Nothing appeals anyway, so I don't have any ideas for what to eat.  I don't even have any snacks or convenience foods that I want to eat.  Today I even made oatmeal to see if I suddenly got over my revulsion.  It's still bad, but since I didn't try to eat a whole bunch of it, it's wasn't as terrible.  I think I might treat it like rice and add butter and salt instead of sugar and fruit.  Or I could just make apple crisp and pretend that's a healthy way to incorporate oatmeal into my diet.  Or more oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

Speaking of the cookies, S has been making them for her friends lately.  She was apparently telling them they were a family recipe.  I laughed and told her that the recipe came from an old girlfriend of yours who you ended up hating.  Which is why her name is blacked out on the recipe card.  

Wishing I had some good dinner ideas.  It's hard to cook for one.

Love,

A

Saturday, November 18, 2023

Nothing new under the sun

 Dear John,

I watched a movie last night.  It was about a woman whose boyfriend dies.  She ends up meeting someone new, who arranges to meet her after he gets her boyfriend's old number that she had been texting.  I wouldn't have thought much about it, but the boyfriend's name was John.  So, at that, I was like...HEY!  It was a cute movie - part of it centered around Celine Dion and she was very funny.  The movie is called Love Again.

I also started watching a new series - It's called Poker Face and stars Natasha Lyonne.  She's like a human lie detector, and wanders around getting justice for people.  S came in near the start of the second episode, and she enjoyed watching it too.  We have probably 5-6 more episodes to watch, and I'm looking forward to it.

It's time to cancel our Hulu/Disney+ subscription.  It was great for the last year.  I watched a bunch of stuff I wanted to see.  I think we're done with this service for a while.  There are several things I want to watch that will be coming to Disney+, but a break will be good.  I did pay $40 for a year of Starz, though.  I can finally finish watching American Gods.  

Thanksgiving is coming up on Thursday.  I guess your family has started a group text without me, as I haven't heard anything about their plans.  I wouldn't be participating regardless, but it's interesting.  I would like your brother to tune up the lawnmower next year, so maybe I'll keep in contact with his wife.  S saw her and their daughter at an NHS activity today.  S likes the younger girls and enjoys hanging out with them once in a while.  S was helping out at a basketball tournament, and her cousin was playing.  That was a nice surprise for her.  

I'm not feeling super thankful this year again.  I will make the effort to appreciate the things I have instead of focusing on what I've lost.  

Missing you.

Love,

A

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

Notes on Fall

 Dear John,

It seems that S is really done with your mom.  Her only grandmother, and she has no interest in seeing her.  We used to stop by or go out to dinner every time we went to the dentist, since they're in the same town.  We went there today, and I asked S if she wanted me to call your mom.  Her response was a flat No.  I guess being forgotten for the past few years has negated all the previous relationship-building they did.  Also, your mom kind of treated her like she did you - more critical than necessary while being totally soft on all the other kids.  Oh well.  I'm sad for her, but I don't blame her.  

Work is annoying.  I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor, because my blood pressure is high, and I should probably treat it.  I had to mow the lawn this weekend - the mowers are done for the year and I'm not paying a higher fee for "fall cleanup."  It took a few pulls for the lawnmower to start.  I think I'll ask your brother to tune it up next summer.  

I did manage to get someone to come and put that piece of fascia back up.  I couldn't reach on the ladder - the guy I hired couldn't really either, though he got closer than I could.  He ended up screwing it back in rather than nailing - probably better that way anyway.  It will probably stay in place until I have to get new siding.

Speaking of screwing things in, I decided to order a new set of power tools.  Your old set is dead - the batteries don't charge at all anymore.  I assume I will be able to sell the tools themselves on Facebook marketplace or something.  We shall see.  I guess it's my Christmas present to myself.  I don't know if I will use them, but I don't want to be without a drill or saw.  

I did get a lot done this weekend, with the yard and cleaning the house.  I guess that's good.  My cousin came down - he is visiting a man that he once mentored at the maximum security prison down here.  I guess the kid had a bit of a rough start, single mom, gang-member dad in jail, I think.  But he was doing OK until he one night got drunk and stabbed someone to death.  I admire my cousin for sticking with him - not many would.  I don't agree with my cousin on most of his views on religion, but I'm glad he's following the principles he espouses.  

Thanksgiving is next week, and S is doing the same thing you would.  Assuming that we'll be done with our Thanksgiving dinner early enough that she'll be able to go to her boyfriend's house too.  I hope she enjoys herself.  I would have liked to go to my sister's.  But I'll be going to the botanical gardens for my friend's birthday Friday or Saturday, so that will be fun.  

Time to walk the dogs and then go to bed.  We're watching The Lion King - I don't really like the movie, but S wanted to watch.  I guess I'll have to wait til it's over before I can go to bed.  I miss the days when you would watch the terrible movies with S.  I miss you.

Love,

A

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

The Latest

 Dear John,

I've really needed to talk to you this week.  All sorts of news that would interest you has been in my work email lately.  

Your former friend, MD, is retiring.  Since he's sworn, he started later than us and gets to leave earlier than I will.  MG also retired a couple years ago - I think we talked about that.  I think all the CSIs that were there when you work with me have retired.  MD, however, is going to double dip - he's going to be a Chief of Police in an area similar to the one where we live.  I'm sure it's just a stepping stone - since his sister's husband has strong Chicago connections, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up as Chief of Police there.  It's probably the right path for him, since he's so rigid about rules.  I'm not sure of the subtext, though - his wife and the kids will be staying for a year and a half.  The oldest, who is S's age, will graduate high school, and the youngest will be leaving elementary school.  I'm sure he'll be successful, unless, of course, he has continued to drink as much as he did when you guys hung out together.  That was a lot.  

In other news, our friend DA was found at home this weekend, unresponsive.  Our other friend MB had volunteered to be D's contact person after his girlfriend died.  MB had texted him last Wednesday, but then hadn't heard back from him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  On Sunday, he called the police for a wellness check - the police found him alive.  But he had probably been there since sometime Wednesday or early Thursday.  Word is he has a brain bleed/clot.  I'm not sure how he's doing, but we're going out for lunch with MB on Thursday, so I will be able to get an update.  I know D's in his late 70s, and his health is pretty good but not great.  But it's still pretty shocking.  I haven't been good about keeping in touch.  We used to have lunch every week, but that fell off after Covid.  I saw him last month.  

It's Halloween, so we dressed the dogs in some costumes.  I found some super cute fleece pajamas with skulls for $8.50 at TJ Maxx - several small children complimented me.  I passed out lots of candy and S and I watched Halloween movies.  I've got a summons for jury duty next week.  I assume they will choose not to call me.  S and I are going to a watercolor class on Friday.  That should be fun. 

So that's what's been going on.  I wish you were here to talk about it all with me.

Love,

A