Confounded

 Dear John,

The September I was 22, my dad died.  I was pretty distraught for several months.  I was interviewing for a job, and was thrown by a question about travel.  I was concerned about leaving my mom alone.  My answer left the interviewer confused, but I did get the job.  By Christmas, my sisters and I were all missing dad at our holiday celebrations, but we were mostly OK.  My mom was still very much not OK - I think in the new year, she joined a grief group.  By the next year, she got a boyfriend.  We did not care for that at all.  It took a number of years before we accepted him.  We were still sort of surprised when my sister's kids were so upset when he died - they thought of him as a grandfather, while we definitely did not.  All that is to say, people process loss differently.

Yesterday, S said "Best Christmas Ever!"  I was a bit taken aback by that.  In terms of gifts, I bought her everything she wanted, which wasn't really that much.  Some clothes, some snacks, a few other small things.  But I was surprised she said that, because I was definitely missing you.  Look, you were not an ideal partner or father on Christmas.  You refused to get up early to watch S open presents.  You would usually stop her in the middle and tell her she needed to wait until later to open the rest.  You rarely bought anyone else gifts, unless prompted.  You thought I was too extravagant with S.  All you wanted to do was have a normal day but with better food.  I would have preferred getting together with family or visiting my sisters.  But you wanted to stay home.  You wanted to not "waste money" on gifts for all your nieces and nephews (to be fair, there are 15 of them), so I could not buy gifts for mine.  I did not get to do holidays my way.  It was easier your way, in terms of work, and cheaper.  But it didn't meet my way of spending holidays.  To top it off, last year, S came to wake you up, jumped on you and you dropped your phone on your face.  You had a black eye and you were really angry.  (But you brought it on yourself, as your favorite activity was wrestling with people who did not want to wrestle with you.)

So, I guess I understand why this would be the best Christmas ever for S.  But it makes me feel sad and guilty for acknowledging what a huge downer you could be.  For admitting that Christmas is easier and more fun without you.  For making plans to please myself, knowing that you would not approve.

So, I will give you credit here.  You always appreciated that I was able to get S things that made her happy for Christmas.  You encouraged me to take her to see The Nutcracker every year and you would not care what the tickets cost.  You didn't care that I would take her to lunch and spend silly money on expensive cupcakes (that we would bring home to share with you).  You loved whatever I made to eat for Christmas dinner.  We always enjoyed watching A Christmas Story and other Christmas movies together.  I still miss you, even if S finds holidays easier without you.  I don't blame her.  But it's painful to say that.  It feels disloyal, even though it's true.

Love, 

A