Wiley

Dear John,

To round out 2022, S's hamster died tonight. In a way, it's a relief, so we don't have to find a hamster-sitter when we go on vacation. You took care of him when we went to Chicago. I had to drop him at my friend's house this summer.

He had a good life, except for the last few months. He was almost 3 years old. He got an eye infection in May or June, and then he had a big sore on his neck. Then he started losing his hair. Poor little guy. I fed him sunflower seeds all the time. You liked petting him, even though he preferred biting us. You called him your little buddy. Or if you wanted to irritate S, you'd call him Hammie. His name was Wiley. Or was it Wylie? I don't even know.

We're going to have a burial tomorrow on the back of the berm, where Gills the betta fish and your friend's puppy who had distemper are buried. It's becoming a bit of a pet cemetery out there.

I hope that's the end of all the bad news for a long time.

Love,

A

Confounded

 Dear John,

The September I was 22, my dad died.  I was pretty distraught for several months.  I was interviewing for a job, and was thrown by a question about travel.  I was concerned about leaving my mom alone.  My answer left the interviewer confused, but I did get the job.  By Christmas, my sisters and I were all missing dad at our holiday celebrations, but we were mostly OK.  My mom was still very much not OK - I think in the new year, she joined a grief group.  By the next year, she got a boyfriend.  We did not care for that at all.  It took a number of years before we accepted him.  We were still sort of surprised when my sister's kids were so upset when he died - they thought of him as a grandfather, while we definitely did not.  All that is to say, people process loss differently.

Yesterday, S said "Best Christmas Ever!"  I was a bit taken aback by that.  In terms of gifts, I bought her everything she wanted, which wasn't really that much.  Some clothes, some snacks, a few other small things.  But I was surprised she said that, because I was definitely missing you.  Look, you were not an ideal partner or father on Christmas.  You refused to get up early to watch S open presents.  You would usually stop her in the middle and tell her she needed to wait until later to open the rest.  You rarely bought anyone else gifts, unless prompted.  You thought I was too extravagant with S.  All you wanted to do was have a normal day but with better food.  I would have preferred getting together with family or visiting my sisters.  But you wanted to stay home.  You wanted to not "waste money" on gifts for all your nieces and nephews (to be fair, there are 15 of them), so I could not buy gifts for mine.  I did not get to do holidays my way.  It was easier your way, in terms of work, and cheaper.  But it didn't meet my way of spending holidays.  To top it off, last year, S came to wake you up, jumped on you and you dropped your phone on your face.  You had a black eye and you were really angry.  (But you brought it on yourself, as your favorite activity was wrestling with people who did not want to wrestle with you.)

So, I guess I understand why this would be the best Christmas ever for S.  But it makes me feel sad and guilty for acknowledging what a huge downer you could be.  For admitting that Christmas is easier and more fun without you.  For making plans to please myself, knowing that you would not approve.

So, I will give you credit here.  You always appreciated that I was able to get S things that made her happy for Christmas.  You encouraged me to take her to see The Nutcracker every year and you would not care what the tickets cost.  You didn't care that I would take her to lunch and spend silly money on expensive cupcakes (that we would bring home to share with you).  You loved whatever I made to eat for Christmas dinner.  We always enjoyed watching A Christmas Story and other Christmas movies together.  I still miss you, even if S finds holidays easier without you.  I don't blame her.  But it's painful to say that.  It feels disloyal, even though it's true.

Love, 

A

Wrapping up

 Dear John,

My Goodreads stats are in - so far, I read 31 books this year.  That's half what I read last year, and a little more than 1/4 of what I read the year before.  I don't feel like I have time to read, and I don't feel like reading.  Many of the books I start end up on my "Gave up" shelf.  

You used to love that I was a reader, while at the same time harassing me for wasting time reading.  You appreciated my vocabulary and were often surprised when I would be informed about random things that you didn't know I was reading about. You couldn't sit with a book for any more than a few minutes.  It's funny how you wanted your mom to sit down and read a book or watch TV, but you couldn't do either one.  You often asked for philosophical books about the origin of the universe and things like that, but you couldn't read more than a few pages before you had to get up and do something else.  We did watch a lot of movies, though.  

I am having a hard time watching TV lately too.  We signed up for Hulu/Disney+ because it's really cheap right now.  $5/month for a year.  So far, we've watched...Frozen.  For some reason, our smart TV is super dumb and can't be updated enough to get the Hulu app.  And the AirPlayer that we would otherwise use also can't download Hulu.  Disney+ works, but no Hulu.  The smart Blu-Ray player also doesn't work.  I put the app on my phone, but I don't have headphones (at least, not until Christmas, anyway).  Today, I bought a Roku - it was pretty cheap and will load all the apps for all the channels.  Plus, I can also get a free month of HBOMax, so I can have another streaming service I won't watch.  😒😒 It's no fun to watch things without you.  S has been subjecting me to Gilmore Girls.  I have to say that I think it's the worst show I have ever watched.  I hate EVERY character.  All of them.  All the time.  They are all terrible, and I do not understand how that show was renewed for 7 years.  But the kid likes it.  So I sit through it with her sometimes.

The weird Christian neighbors have invited us over for coffee and cookies.  They were so...not for us when they moved in.  Going around to people's houses in the middle of Covid was definitely a choice.  But, as it turns out, they're from up north. So I have that in common with them.  They're still deeply weird - I consider all homeschoolers odd - but they do express concern for us since you're gone.  I mostly prefer to have brief conversations that I can cut short because the dogs need to move along.  But if she picks a day when we don't have something going on (which...there actually aren't many of those), I suppose we'll have to go over and be social for half an hour or so.

We're going to see The Nutcracker next week.  It's been a couple years since we last went.  But that is a tradition that S wants to keep, so we're going this year.  I wish you would have joined us once or twice.  But you liked to call it "our thing," so you didn't have to participate.  You were generally a Scrooge on Christmas - you never wanted to get up early to let S open her presents.  You always insisted she needed to take a break when you got bored watching her open gifts.  You'd get mad at me for spending too much.  You'd be irritated by at least 1 gift I'd gotten for you and insist that it needed to be returned.  

I remember the year when I finally had enough of that terrible blanket that you had forever.  It had holes in it.  It was scratchy.  I bought a soft fleecy blanket to replace it, and you did not want it.  You seemed to enjoy punishing yourself with that terrible blanket.  But I kept the fleecy one for our bed anyway (since you also decided you hated my comforter and refused to use it).  Then you would complain that I was stealing it from you.  You still refused to throw that stupid blue blanket away.  So, guess what I had them put in your coffin?  Your blue blanket - holes and all.  I also apparently had you buried in your work pants, because I couldn't find your good ones.  At least S picked out one of your favorite shirts.  As all the men in your family seem to have one stop on the color wheel, it was only fitting that she chose the blue shirt.  (Your stop on the color wheel was actually army brown/tan, but you also had a lot of blue shirts.)  Anyway, I wonder if they just tossed all that stuff in with you or actually arranged it nicely.  We didn't have any sort of viewing, because I know you would have hated people staring at you like that.  So I'm left wondering what the funeral home does when they know no one is watching.

Anyway, Christmas preparations continue.  I wrapped a lot of presents today.  I don't know exactly what we're doing yet, but I do know we're staying home.  The weather has gotten colder and they said it might snow.  S has a lot of appointments, so there's no time to go anywhere.  We'll be missing you, but not your bad attitude that was usually present at Christmas time.  

Love,

A

Advent

Dear John,

It only took...12 days to decorate the tree.  S did a fine job.  Neither of us were super-enthusiastic about getting it done - she was playing incompetent by pretending not to know where the ornaments were.  I just wasn't feeling it.  But it's done now.  I will have to start wrapping all the gifts.  I probably went overboard, but that's fairly typical for me anyway.

I had to pick S up from school on Friday because her stomach hurt.  Once home, she proceeded to throw up a few times.  I had to resort to the old standby from infancy - feeding her the juice from canned fruit to settle her stomach.  It worked when Saltines weren't doing the trick.  I'd give her a bowl with crackers, which she would put down.  Then the dogs would eat the crackers.  She slept from 6 pm on Friday until about 7 or 8 am Saturday - she never does that.  We're probably both run down without you to take care of us.  

This means we haven't been up for eating our Cheese Advent calendar.  The last piece I had was tomato based, and I do not like that.  It's very strange how particular everyone is about the way they'll eat tomatoes.  You weren't a huge fan of fresh tomatoes, unless it was on a sandwich.  But you loved them in everything else - soups, stews, sauces.  S doesn't really like them much at all.  She will occasionally eat marinara sauce or fresh tomatoes in salad.  I prefer them fresh, and I like red sauce, but please do not put tomato in anything else or it makes me gag.  I wonder what it is about tomatoes.  They're very divisive.

I am finished working for the year.  My vacation began last Thursday at 7, and I won't be back at work until Jan 2.  I hope to get some stuff done around the house.  We shall see.  I don't have any Christmas plans yet.  Maybe we'll host.  But I fear inviting your family over, due to their grasping natures and that one sister who I never want to see again.  I sent your mom a gift of dried fruit - I think she'll enjoy it.  

The window in your watch room has some issues.  The bottom part is cracked, and the mechanism broke today.  I guess it's fine, since I don't really need to ever open it again - I only do so for fresh air.  Speaking of watches, I'm going to try and start inventorying the watches and stuff while I'm off.  I signed up for that show in May, so I need to figure out what to take and how to price it all.  Meanwhile, some guy in California is looking for a case for one of his watches.  I found a really nice one down there, but I don't know if the attached price tag is legitimately what I should ask for the case or not.  I'll have to consult with someone on that score - according to eBay, that price seems reasonable for what it is.  The watches are going to be a nightmare.  There's just so. much.

I found a tiny (real) Christmas tree to tuck into the wreath your SIL put on your grave.  You would love it because you liked having a Christmas tree, but you would hate it because it was covered in glitter.  But the glitter throws some light off, which is really the part you enjoyed.  Of course, I dropped the tree off on a flower clean-up week.  I hope they only take the dead stuff away, and if it looks like it's still alive, they leave it.

I don't cry every day any more.  I usually do feel sad once or twice a day, but there's a lot less tearing up.  I am totally failing at maintaining the house, though.  The lawn is full of leaves and pine needles.  The counters are a mess.  The dogs are tearing up your floors.  But it's fine - I'm getting annoyed by all of it, which means I'll be working on it.  That also means my depression-driven sloth is starting to recede.  I hope I have more energy next year.  Or I get rid of all the stuff that's causing me problems. It's a process.  I'll figure it out eventually.

Love, 

A

Always for her

 Dear John,

Now that Thanksgiving is over, your girl wants to decorate for Christmas. She put lights on the porch yesterday - she says she's going to do bushes too, as well as the light projector. She told me that she would do the lights if I would put the tree up. I know you remember that until she came along, we didn't even have a Christmas tree. I would put a string of lights on the mantel and hang my grandmother's icicles, and call it enough. I went out on the Black Friday, when she was 6 weeks old, to get a pre-lit Christmas tree because I thought she would like the lights. And we needed to have a tree to put her presents under. 

You ended up enjoying the Christmas tree and the lights as much as she did. You couldn't have cared less about Christmas or gifts or anything. But the tree and the annual viewing of A Christmas Story were your things. I guess they put out a sequel this year. I don't know if I'll watch it without you. We did watch Spirited - you would have tried it, since it has Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrell. But you would have hated it because it's a musical. S and I thought it was cute.  

When I'm out Christmas shopping, I feel bereft not having you to buy presents for. You were about impossible to shop for - you didn't want or need anything. And you hated waste. Most of your gifts were food. And almost everything I would buy, you would say you didn't need. But you did, and you would eventually appreciate things like comfy socks, and soft blankets.  

Your brother's wife put a wreath on your grave. I may go out and take a look next week. Seems like something I should be doing - I do bring you flowers on occasion. I don't really want to stay in this area once S goes to college, but I really don't want to leave you either. I know I'll join you eventually, but it would be so strange to be apart from you.

I put the tree up last Monday, but we still haven't decorated it. I am having a hard time with follow-through lately. Maybe tomorrow.

S got a cold this week - I made her soup, gave her my cure-all (Advil and orange juice - works every time), and she stayed home from school. I forgot to give her your cure-all (the sock with Vick's VapoRub on it around her neck) until the second night. I did give her a zinc drop, though. I saw some Airborne in the cabinet and thought that I should have made her have some of that. You would have. She's better today, but she still has a cough. I don't know if I'm getting it too, or if I just have my cold-weather-induced bronchitis. But, with you in mind, I took a zinc drop and had some Vitamin D. Your mom invited us to a craft fair at her church tomorrow, but I had to decline due to the illness. S took a Covid test and it was negative, so I'm glad it's not that. It was a home test, though, so it might not be accurate. But she was in the thick of chills and a cough, so it should have been detectable if it was Covid.  

I found a meme that I think is hilarious - I have started using it on people. It makes them really uncomfortable, which you know I find amusing. If I'm going to be dealt a shitty hand, I might as well turn it into comedy for myself. I know we liked to say that if you're the only one laughing, it's probably not funny, but, sometimes... Anyway, here it is.

Love, 

A