Ramblings on an anniversary

 Dear John,

Well, it's been a year.  A year without you.  A year of handling everything.  A year of being the one who listened to all the school gossip.  A year of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  A year in which I have not really decided anything.

I have had lots of ideas lately.  I think of buying a little building and turning it into a store to sell all your shit.  And mine.  And maybe my BIL's photos that he still has in stock, since he's not doing shows any more.  I guess I'll see how the  watch show in May goes - if I still have a lot of watches left, I will think more seriously about it.  My sister said she would organize wine and cheese nights to drum up business.

I think about volunteering.  I've stopped walking dogs at the Humane Society.  Not because of our dogs, but because I'm old and cranky.  I'm old, and the big old doggies who are so happy to be out of their kennels are getting to be a little too much for me to control any more.  I fell 3-4 times last year before I stopped going in November.  And I'm cranky because I felt unappreciated.  S and I went there probably 45-48 weeks a year for 5 years (with that Covid break in the middle), and yet no one knew who we were when we would come in.  No one cared that I would make sure every dog got walked, instead of just my favorite dog.  No one cared that I was the only volunteer regularly marking the board to let them know who had been walked.  No one cared that I brought in laundry detergent every time it was on sale at Walgreen's.  No one cared that I tried to make friends with the really damaged dogs and often succeeded.  I didn't need a party or anything, but for that kind of commitment to go totally unnoticed is really annoying.  I did tell them I would work an event in April, but I suspect they won't even contact me about that either.

But I was talking to my friend the other day about what I'm going to do once I retire, and I mentioned I needed to find a new place to volunteer.  She does taxes for the elderly.  I don't want to do that, but I said that I am good at filling out forms, and she thought there would be a need for that for seniors.  I thought low income people could also use the help.  I was workshopping some names, while she was putting together a whole business plan in her head.  I wish you were here - you were always good for a pithy nickname.

I don't know how S is dealing with this anniversary.  Right now, she's out being the manager of her school's girls' soccer team.  I've provided a lot of distractions for her, but haven't spoken to her about you.  She doesn't ever want to actually talk to me, though she will text me.  I don't know.  She also mentioned that a year and 2 days ago was when she stopped being friends with green teeth (as you liked to call her supposed friend that didn't like to brush her teeth - see? Pithy nicknames.  Also, the ability you had to detect problematic people from the outset is greatly missed.)  That girl has been harassing S for the entire year - I suggested that she call her out.  Her counselor didn't seem to approve, but didn't really say anything.  So, I regrouped and suggest that S tell her school counselor that the girl is bullying her.  She has a screenshot from one of her friends about how the girl is talking about S to others.  Anyway, it's quite a week for her.  We did get some entertainment, though - the soccer game is the "Pink Out" game for breast cancer.  S got a hoodie from the coach - the graphic on it is HILARIOUS.  It uses the pink ribbon as a letter - the intent was for it to be an I, but the way it's located...  It looks like it says KOCK.  And one of my friends pointed out that there is also a soccer ball on the design, so we have KOCK and ball.  I couldn't stop laughing at it.

I went to the cemetery today - I got some flowers for you.  Normally, I just lay the cut flowers across by the headstone.  But I didn't like how that looked, so I ripped most of the stems off and then shoved the flowers into the ground.  Maybe that will make them live a little longer.  I think I'll bring scissors next time.  I did not picture myself as someone who would make plans for the next time she visited the cemetery, so...thanks for that, I guess?

As you know - this is also the anniversary of my mom's death.  You were stunned by the 03.23.13 date, and that her number on the buzzer in her building was 23.  You should've waited another year to round out your numerology, buddy.  I'm disappointed in your lack of foresight.  03.23.33 would have been even better.  😠

That ring you gave me to wear as a wedding band has lost several more of the stones.  I hope they're not real diamonds.  If I ever find my engagement ring, I might take all of this stuff to a jeweler to have it made into something new.  What did you do with that ring, anyway?  Surely it's in a safe somewhere in this house.  But I've been through them a couple times and I haven't found it yet.  Of course, it took me a full day to figure out how to open your watch safe and that was after 9 months of looking for the key, which was exactly where you said it was.  SMH - I'm useless sometimes.

As usual, I miss you.  It's getting better, but it's still pretty terrible.  

Love,

A