Ramblings on an anniversary

 Dear John,

Well, it's been a year.  A year without you.  A year of handling everything.  A year of being the one who listened to all the school gossip.  A year of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  A year in which I have not really decided anything.

I have had lots of ideas lately.  I think of buying a little building and turning it into a store to sell all your shit.  And mine.  And maybe my BIL's photos that he still has in stock, since he's not doing shows any more.  I guess I'll see how the  watch show in May goes - if I still have a lot of watches left, I will think more seriously about it.  My sister said she would organize wine and cheese nights to drum up business.

I think about volunteering.  I've stopped walking dogs at the Humane Society.  Not because of our dogs, but because I'm old and cranky.  I'm old, and the big old doggies who are so happy to be out of their kennels are getting to be a little too much for me to control any more.  I fell 3-4 times last year before I stopped going in November.  And I'm cranky because I felt unappreciated.  S and I went there probably 45-48 weeks a year for 5 years (with that Covid break in the middle), and yet no one knew who we were when we would come in.  No one cared that I would make sure every dog got walked, instead of just my favorite dog.  No one cared that I was the only volunteer regularly marking the board to let them know who had been walked.  No one cared that I brought in laundry detergent every time it was on sale at Walgreen's.  No one cared that I tried to make friends with the really damaged dogs and often succeeded.  I didn't need a party or anything, but for that kind of commitment to go totally unnoticed is really annoying.  I did tell them I would work an event in April, but I suspect they won't even contact me about that either.

But I was talking to my friend the other day about what I'm going to do once I retire, and I mentioned I needed to find a new place to volunteer.  She does taxes for the elderly.  I don't want to do that, but I said that I am good at filling out forms, and she thought there would be a need for that for seniors.  I thought low income people could also use the help.  I was workshopping some names, while she was putting together a whole business plan in her head.  I wish you were here - you were always good for a pithy nickname.

I don't know how S is dealing with this anniversary.  Right now, she's out being the manager of her school's girls' soccer team.  I've provided a lot of distractions for her, but haven't spoken to her about you.  She doesn't ever want to actually talk to me, though she will text me.  I don't know.  She also mentioned that a year and 2 days ago was when she stopped being friends with green teeth (as you liked to call her supposed friend that didn't like to brush her teeth - see? Pithy nicknames.  Also, the ability you had to detect problematic people from the outset is greatly missed.)  That girl has been harassing S for the entire year - I suggested that she call her out.  Her counselor didn't seem to approve, but didn't really say anything.  So, I regrouped and suggest that S tell her school counselor that the girl is bullying her.  She has a screenshot from one of her friends about how the girl is talking about S to others.  Anyway, it's quite a week for her.  We did get some entertainment, though - the soccer game is the "Pink Out" game for breast cancer.  S got a hoodie from the coach - the graphic on it is HILARIOUS.  It uses the pink ribbon as a letter - the intent was for it to be an I, but the way it's located...  It looks like it says KOCK.  And one of my friends pointed out that there is also a soccer ball on the design, so we have KOCK and ball.  I couldn't stop laughing at it.

I went to the cemetery today - I got some flowers for you.  Normally, I just lay the cut flowers across by the headstone.  But I didn't like how that looked, so I ripped most of the stems off and then shoved the flowers into the ground.  Maybe that will make them live a little longer.  I think I'll bring scissors next time.  I did not picture myself as someone who would make plans for the next time she visited the cemetery, so...thanks for that, I guess?

As you know - this is also the anniversary of my mom's death.  You were stunned by the 03.23.13 date, and that her number on the buzzer in her building was 23.  You should've waited another year to round out your numerology, buddy.  I'm disappointed in your lack of foresight.  03.23.33 would have been even better.  😠

That ring you gave me to wear as a wedding band has lost several more of the stones.  I hope they're not real diamonds.  If I ever find my engagement ring, I might take all of this stuff to a jeweler to have it made into something new.  What did you do with that ring, anyway?  Surely it's in a safe somewhere in this house.  But I've been through them a couple times and I haven't found it yet.  Of course, it took me a full day to figure out how to open your watch safe and that was after 9 months of looking for the key, which was exactly where you said it was.  SMH - I'm useless sometimes.

As usual, I miss you.  It's getting better, but it's still pretty terrible.  

Love,

A

Hauntings

 Dear John,

Should I be attributing this stuff to you?  So far:

The shower curtain that I put up after I had those stupid, mold collecting shower doors removed has fallen at least 3 times.  How many times have the other shower curtains fallen?  Upstairs bathroom: 0  Downstairs bathroom: 0

The piece of fascia that came off the side of the house - there is absolutely no reason that should have blown off.  None. 

All the music I hear messages from - I always know it's you.  

The misbehaving fireplace - seems as though I will need to get that thermostat replaced.  The furnace came on twice last night.  That hasn't happened since the last time S. turned the fireplace temp down to 60.

And finally, my painting that blows over every time I open the windows.  I suppose I could put it somewhere not near the window.  Maybe I'll hang up all my artwork downstairs.  I almost have enough to fill the wall by the pool table.  

Hmm...probably just all random coincidences.

It's 12 days short of a year since I last saw you.  I still miss you every day.  I used to say I wouldn't miss you when you were gone.  I mostly meant that you were going to outlive me, but I didn't quite factor in your actions.  While there are certain things I don't miss...your daily presence in my life is definitely not one of them.  

Love,

A

Maybe that feeling is called foreboding?

 Dear John,

I don't know why I'm feeling weird lately - today I thought I was going to burst into tears for no reason at all.  One day last week, I was super anxious...about nothing.  Probably my mind/body is telling me that the anniversary is going to be rough.  I've done all I can to prepare for it, so I guess I'm gonna have to ride this out.

I invited your watch friend up to view your collection.  He helped me organize some stuff - he's doing that show in May that I signed up for.  He's going to come back next month to help me with pricing.  He was very nice - and he brought his whole family up to help too.  They were also very nice and helpful.  He bought some of the parts - I feel like he paid a lot for what he got, but then, I don't know what that stuff should go for.  I know that if I were to sell it piece by piece, I'd make more money.  But I am not doing that.  

I think you know I always find some kind of entertainment in any kind of experience - even if I'm laughing at how mad I got about something.  So, here's my mental entertainment of the week.  For the second time in less than a year, someone introduced me to their parents as "this is my mom and dad."  The first time was at work - one of the DNA people, who is really reserved, said "Oh, this is my mom, dad, and sister."  I let there be just enough pause to be awkward, and then said "Do they have NAMES?!"  I don't know if she found it funny, but her mom and dad laughed and gave me their names.  This time, your watch friend just introduced his parents as Mom and Dad - when they were leaving, I said to his mom "What's your name?  I mean, I can call you Mom, but he (watch friend) never mentioned your name."  She laughed and told me that I could call her mom (but also gave me her name).  It was a good note to send her off on, though - she was pissed at her son and daughter-in-law for treating her like she was not useful when we were carrying stuff out of the basement.  (But she's in her 70s!  And has a bad back!)  I showed his dad a picture of you, and he said he thought he remembered meeting you at the Flea Market.  He's a clock guy, and I sold him that Mermod Jaccard clock you had in the garage.  I'm glad it's going to a good home.

Watch friend also said that one of your former regular customers would be at the show.  I mentioned that you had stopped dealing with that guy, because he wasn't reliable or honest.  I look forward to having to deal with all the jokers that you refused to sell to.  It's fine though - I need to lighten the load.  Today, I put stickers on all the bags for all the watches, so I can price them and know what I should ask for them.  

We're also preparing for our vacation.  I'm glad we're going with my bestie - she's helping me immensely through this whole process.  I wish you had a better concept of friendship - I think you had people that would have supported you through all of your trials, but you thought it would make you appear weak and they would stop respecting you.  But they came to you for advice - it would have made them feel good to be able to return the favor.  We were friends, but I think you would have been better to have discussed some of your feelings with other men, so you could see that it wasn't just you.  You seemed to think, though, that all of those relationships had to be transactional.  Maybe it's because you didn't have any leisure-time hobbies that you could share with others.  You always picked solitary activities.

Your friend the electrician has checked in with me a few times.  I like him - he's a good guy.  He sent his oldest off to join the military, and I think your experience has made him torn about it.  He wanted to talk to you about it, and about his mom's stuff.  And so many other things.  Ah, well...yet another missed opportunity.

I did manage to file the taxes, file for the property tax exemption (no more proof needed!  I can just send in the form now!  That seems kind of terrible that they make the vets jump through hoops, but not their widows.),  and deposit the watch stuff money from the weekend today.  I'm sure the IRS will send me a correction as usual.  I couldn't do state taxes online, for some reason.  I think it's because of the amount of our AGI from last year.  I did S's taxes too.  I made her watch, but I doubt she paid any attention.  

We've had a few storms lately.  One of them blew a piece of fascia off on the garage side of the house.  Of course we don't have a ladder tall enough for me to reach to put it back.  I could go up on top of the roof and get it that way.  I haven't decided if I want to do that or if I want to just pay someone to do it.  They could clean out the gutter on the back of the house, too, because I am certainly not doing that.  I might check with the guy who power-washed the house.  He does that kind of stuff too.  

Well, it's about my bedtime.  I now use TikTok videos to put me to sleep, instead of listening to you tell me about your day in the stock market.  It works, but it's not nearly as effective.  

Love,

A