Saturday, July 28, 2012

Siblings

St. Elsewhere and I were emailing about siblings and when my response got long and involved, it occurred to me that maybe I had a blogging topic for a change!

My daughter LOVES to ask for a brother or sister.  She used to do it daily, but has slowed down to once or twice a week lately.  Today she was playing with her cousin, and there was much yelling.  I told her that now she knew what it would be like to have a brother.  My mother suggested that I adopt an older brother for her...

My mother is the queen of family planning.  Her philosophy was that each child should have a companion, and so she has two sets of children.  My two oldest sisters are a year apart.  My next oldest sister and I are a year apart.  There are 6 years between the sets.  My grandfather referred to all of us as Pete and Repeat (or Re-Pete, if you will).

It's nice that my mother was able to have a plan and execute it.  Even for her, though, it didn't exactly work out as she intended.  I think she actually wanted to maybe stop at 2...but then 2nd oldest sister started asking for a little sister.  She didn't want to be the baby any more.  Then 3rd oldest sister came along...and 2nd decided that life had been pretty good before 3rd turned up and she would like to go back to that.  44 years later, I believe that's still her philosophy.

The other downsides to my mother's plan are mostly relevant to me.  First, 3rd and I are sometimes still referred to as "the babies."   That's a little annoying when you get to be 20-something and downright absurd when you're in your 40s.  Second, my name was chosen by 1st sister.  2nd and 3rd share the same first initial, and she felt left out.  So, while my mother was in the hospital having me, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd were at my aunt's house.  1st sent my parents a letter with a list of name selections all starting with A, so things would be even.  I'm not a huge fan of my name - I don't really feel like it fits me well.  Everyone else I meet who shares my name is pretty perky and bubbly.  I tend more towards awkward and sarcastic. But I have a story behind my name.  I suppose that's something.

Finally, and most importantly, my companion and I do not get along.  Things were fine until 3rd went to school.  In my opinion, she abandoned me in her quest to fit in with the other kids - her younger sister who had been her best friend suddenly became a major annoyance.  Unfortunately, due to her personality and probably some mental illness, she never quite fit in...and, after multiple betrayals (that stick with me even though they happened when I was 8 years old!), I was not willing to take her into my circle of friends.  We had some knock-down, drag-out physical fights...up until we were well into our 20s.  Now that she lives 1000 miles away and we see each other every other year or so, we get along just fine.  But as companions, it did not work at all. 

In some ways, I feel badly that my daughter will be an only child.  Having a sister has its moments.  But here are the things I know that make me comfortable with what is:

1)  My daughter does like children younger than her...until they can talk back.  Then, not so much.
2)  I'm too old and tired to keep trying, and the added stress would be detrimental to the rest of my life.
3)  When I die, there will be no one to fight with over my stuff...and she will be able to save it or throw it away without having to consult with anyone else.
4)  You never really know what you're going to get.
5)  I'm lucky to be where I am.

28 comments:

  1. I could not believe my eyes, a new post, and it's only almost August. :-)

    I am an only child. It sucks, since both my parents are in need of care now, and they refuse it, but ask for money, and waste it when they get it, it's like having two extra toddlers, honestly. And I am far away. Which must be good for me, or I would have gone postal a long time ago. I could have used a little help from a sibling here.

    But there were times when it

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  2. (farking blogspot!!) ... Was not too shabby being an only child.

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  3. This is ridiculous!

    She will be fine as an only child. If she's lucky to get a great partner when the timing is right, she won't miss anything. And then, if it's the only way it is, and can't be changed, than that is it and there is no use speculating on woulda, coulda, shoulda".

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  4. My nearest sibling and I have a tense, adversarial relationship, filled with anxst and envy and rivalry, and only now that we're both grownups are we able to be civil and enjoy each other's company. People say 'oh, but all siblings fight! And you love each other really!' and just don't get it. Yes, I DO love her, but the idea of having to look after an ailing parent together, or deal with property together, makes me break out in hives. And some of the fights and nastiness of our childhood and adolescence have scarred us both, permanently. And I've yet to meet an only child who actually WAS spoilt and maladjusted and incapable of sharing. Most of the people I know like THAT are actually locked in some kind of to-the-death sibling-rivalry mentality. So.

    (I hasten to add, for balance, that I do have other siblings I have a much cuter relationship with).

    Basically, trying to guilt people about having the one kid is stupid and short-sighted, and there is no particular inbuilt advantage or disadvantage to being only or siblinged, and what you end up with depends ENTIRELY on luck+personalities+life circumstances, so having a sibling could be just as much a colossal disadvantage as advantage (if not both in the same afternoon, ask my sister).

    Would it be worth sitting down with your daughter and explaining there isn't going to be a sibling, and it isn't about her, and you know she's disappointed, but she needs to accept this and stop asking? Or would it just be Too Bloody Awkward at this point? Similar discussion with your mother optional.

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    1. I have had that conversation with my daughter in a variety of manners several times. She's kind of single-minded, that kid. Takes after her father...

      A similar discussion with my mother would be entirely pointless. But it would give her fodder for discussion with my other sisters for a long time, so maybe I should be generous and say something.

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    2. Looks like it is easier to persuade toddlers than adults...I was cracking with laughter over the last line of your comment.

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  5. Oh, I like it when you post.
    May has an excellent take on siblings above. I would like to endorse that ;-)
    Also, FWIW I have an older brother whose reliable, irreverent presence in my life I count as one of the greatest blessings of my life. (He would DIE of embarrassment if he saw this. Heh.) But I loathed him most of the time when we were young. So there you go. Proves nothing! As you say your daughter likes the idea of a sibling but the reality of such comprises so many variables and unique characteristics that it is impossible to predict how she would theoretically react.

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  6. Oh, I like it when you post.
    May has an excellent take on siblings above. I would like to endorse that ;-)
    Also, FWIW I have an older brother whose reliable, irreverent presence in my life I count as one of the greatest blessings of my life. (He would DIE of embarrassment if he saw this. Heh.) But I loathed him most of the time when we were young. So there you go. Proves nothing! As you say your daughter likes the idea of a sibling but the reality of such comprises so many variables and unique characteristics that it is impossible to predict how she would theoretically react.

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  7. Thank you for this. I am an only child who didn't want to have an only child, but my may very likely end up one. My SIL has 4 brothers and sisters and only gets along with one of them. Her son is an only as well, and she tells us often that having a sibling is no guarantee of closeness.

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  8. Definitely needed to read this - one of those posts that really stuck with me - similar thoughts going on here a lot - especially since Oman is now asking where his brothers and sisters are.
    I appreciate the reminder that we aren't the only ones with just one - and it's a also a great time to remember how gosh darn lucky we are for the one we have :)

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  9. I am an only ... and I spent a fair part of my childhood torturing my parents for a sib ... something which always produced an awkward silence and no insight or satisfaction. I look back now and feel badly about that, as I can understand what that grilling must have been like on their end.

    I am second generation ? sub-fertile? who went through secondary IF when most people would have been content with what they had ... because I really liked the idea of a larger family. I may have liked the idea in no small part because I detested being an only (the lonely, the stereotyping, the being out-numbered by the crazy-making parents ...) ... in a neighborhood without playmates ... with my nose pressed up against the glass of all the (so it seemed) idillic, large Irish and Italian and Irish-Italian families all around me.

    But KeAnne is sooo right. The grass is always greener and having lots of family around is no guarantee of goodness. I know that now. I married into a large family that is not quite the glowing, loving, soft-place-to-fall that I longed for as a kid.

    Plus ... now-a-days ... being an only child is so much more likely to be taken as a well considered, deliberate lifestyle choice ... than a signal of something socially awkward -- what it was for my parents and I when I was young. It's also much more common, which means for this generation of onlies ... more People Like Me ... less Odd Duck. Which helps a bit.

    Like everything else in life, onlyhood and sibhood have their good points and their bad points -- Individual-Mileage-May-Vary on both. As one of my BFF's likes to remind me, we can pick ~our friends~ whereas for some of us, family can come in all kinds of less than idealized flavors.

    Whatever the downsides of being an only ... the significant advantage was not having to divide the family re$ource$. Although my parents were overly anxious about me, so I didn't get to take full advantage. Nonetheless ... I had a lot of financial freedom as a result. As an adult now, I know that I did not fully appreciate how great that advantage was -- and still is. My mom helped us pay for some outrageously expensive therapy for my son's dyslexia last summer and neither one of us had to worry about sibs feeling put out with us for preferential treatment. Likewise when she wrote me a very generous check to help with my daughter's camp expenses.

    The other advantage is simplified family dynamics ...If not a closer, tighter family unit ... which we have in my fam sometimes ... and sometimes we don't. I wanted a sib so badly ... but at my age now ... I have a very strong hunch that if I had gotten what I wished for ... depending on the personality of said sibling ... that relationship ~might~ have been horribly complicated by my mother playing us off of one another. As it is now, when I do not behave according to expectations ... they don't like it, but it ends there. I don't have to calculate how a sibling might use my choices against me, stir the pot if you will, in the family dynamics ... as my husband's sibs sometimes do with him.

    ... Not only do I see the trickiness of some sib relationships in my husband's fam ... I get to witness it in my own. Note to self: bump Siblings Without Rivalry up on the reading list ....

    You sound very clear about where you are ... grounded as always. Like so many things in our 40's ... everything may not be as we would choose, but ... our perspective about it is better, more mature now. I think to younger people, this must look like what? Pathetic resignation? Or compromised living? But from where I sit, it feels more like empowerment. At least on the good days. ;-)

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    1. I like to think I wouldn't play my children off against each other if I had more than one, but it wouldn't matter if they perceived it that way, would it? You can't ever be 100% equal, because everyone has different needs.

      My husband was very smug when 3rd sister and I weren't speaking for a number of years - we were family, he said, and we should talk. He's not so smug now that his brother and sisters have become annoying and divisive. He just ended a 6 month period of not speaking to his brother...and that only ended because his brother got irritated with one of the sisters and wanted an ally to complain to. Sigh. Cousins are probably better than siblings.

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    2. I don't think my mom would have played us off of each other deliberately per se. But I think that if I had a sib that was more like her personality-wise (she and I are very different in some significant ways), I might have had more angst in the face of her disapproval. It's one thing to resign yourself to doing without parental approval because they just don't get you. It's another thing to do without the approval and have to see it bestowed liberally on someone else (especially if that sibling is inclined to see that as "winning"). Not having to compete for approval/attention made me pretty blase about it. I guess that was an advantage.

      As for blind family loyalty ... I've known a surprising number of people who preach it. I have never understood allowing others to treat you poorly ... my instinct has always been ... if someone is walking on you, what's blood got to do with it?

      My mother's nieces and nephews are cool cousins ... a tight knit family. Not quite the sibs I always longed for, but close enough at times. My relationship with cousins on my father's side, however, was strained because his relationship with his sisters was so full of baggage and because his family treated my mother poorly (which lent itself to trust issues and spoiled my opinion of them). My father was always the biggest preacher of loyalty to family, even as his relatives were all busy tearing each other down. ... I couldn't get away from that nonsense fast enough.

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  10. Having read your post, and the comments, there are clearly pro and cons on both sides on having or not having siblings. I think what pisses me off is the idea that you and so many people who comment don't have a choice about how large or not your family will be.

    May's suggestion of having a chat with your daughter isn't a bad idea, if you can face it.

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  11. Are you...POSTING?! Yay, I always want to write back and support you in the same way that you support me!(not that I am good at what to say)
    I think there are pros and cons to multiple children but mostly you can't predict what it means - they could be a support system, they could fight bitterly. All of life is a bit of a crapshoot I guess.
    How do you feel about your daughters constant requesting a sibling? I would think that would be hard, bit maybe it's different coming from your child?
    I am also kind of impressed by your mothers planning (and ability to carry it out)

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  12. Whether an only child is intentional or not, what I think sucks are the people who ask. What difference does it make and why do they think it's their business? But I also know that some people just can't help how their brain decides to make conversation.

    Just last weekend my husband and I went to the wedding of one of his friend's. The friend is 45 and his first marriage, no children. He actually wrote in the congrats card, "Now it's time for kids!" and I just about threw it away before he could hand it over. Dude! After our own history, he couldn't have thought of anything more diplomatic to say??

    No matter the number,or how you go about it, people will always have an opinion that's opposite.

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  13. I love your list of reasons why it will be okay.

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  14. Your parents are daring to allow your sister to name you (or lazy!). My parents gave my sister and I a shortlist for my brother, though there was clearly only one viable option on the list.

    I like your "what is" list.

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    1. I believe my mom got sick of my dad vetoing every suggestion due to the possibility of an unfortunate schoolyard nickname. The only one I remember hearing about was Victoria - my dad said no to "Icky Vicki." That's why they chose from my sister's list...

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  15. It gets a lot of discussion, this topic- the pros and cons of having a sibling. Most single children I know (as adults) all wish they had a sibling, but many people with siblings wish they hadn't, so- ? The answer is probably you just have to do what you want to do- and if you can't do what you WANT to do, you have to accept what you CAN do. And make the best of it. Which is where you are, so I'm pleased you are not agonising over it.

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  16. I have a bro, considerably younger than me, and as adults we get along just fine.

    You should have seen us as kids. We were little sweetypies hanging to each other's hair for everything.

    Your mother had a plan and she had it go the way she wanted it to...that's phenomenal.

    If only it worked that way for most of us here.

    I can see that there are several 'only' children in the lot, and obviously they had the advantages and disadvantages of growing up that way - the same as I did, having a sibling.

    I can see into those advantages of your daughter being an only kid.

    P.S. Glad to see your post.

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  17. p.s. your mother gossips about you?

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  18. Chicken asked for a sibling when he was around five years old. I explained the possibility that we could end up with a crappy baby we didn't like. He was convinced. Years later he became a big brother. While I like him a whole lot, Chicken does not feel the same way.

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  19. Hey there, Icky Vicky.

    I can certainly see why being called The Babies was super weird once you were fully grown!

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  20. I'm too lazy for looking up your email address, but wanted you to know I fixed the pictures in my San Diego Zoo post! (I'm sure you've been thinking about it all day every day, right?!)

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  21. I have my one remaining embryo, so will try it out. The bizarre thing is part of me resents this possible child because it might take time away from my beloved son. I feel a slight resentment that at a year old I have to wean now and deprive my son of his favourite beverage so I can get my stupid period and do a stupid transfer for some possible child. Which is more than a little crazy, but that's me.

    And yeah, we don't always love our siblings. My brother: YES. My sister: NO.

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  22. True story: a friend of mine had 2 children, with the idea that they could keep each other company. One of them is a sociopath. (No, I mean it...a real, actual, sociopath.) The other one is completely messed up from a lifetime with a sociopathic brother. So...yeah...nothing wrong with being an only child!

    Happy to see a post by you, by the way! Even if I'm only actually reading it a month after you wrote it. Ha!

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