Saturday, May 16, 2009

Getting over it...

I'm not getting much time to grieve this almost pregnancy. My husband returned to work today, so it's just me and my girl for a month. I feel mentally exhausted, but I can't sleep very well. I'm sad, but I don't know what the root cause is today. I'm sad because I miss my husband when he's not here. I'm sad because my daughter is sad because she misses her dad. I'm sad because I really want another baby, and this last chance didn't work. I'm sad because I have cramps. I'm sad because the idiot at the lab couldn't get a vein on my last blood draw and was wiggling the needle around in my arm and the bruise hurts. I'm sad because I have to have another blood draw to make sure that beta goes to zero.

I went to Tar.get today. I don't understand why it is that that particular store is a giant pregnant woman magnet. I saw no less than than 4 pregnant women today. One of them was smoking in the parking lot. I hate to judge people, but, seriously, she couldn't quit for a few months? I guess probably not, or she would have. I must be feeling a little better, since the sight of legions of pregnant women is not one of the things making me sad. I also don't understand why the pregnant women only appear to those who are trying so hard to have a baby. I never registered a pregnant woman when I was in my twenties, unless I knew her.

I have some things to look forward to. I will lose the bloating and the pregnancy brain (how did I get that in a chemical pregnancy???). I can have a glass (or a bottle!) of wine. My family and I will be getting together at the end of the month. We only get to do that about once a year. I will get to see friends (and, of course, their new babies). I will take 3 days off work. My husband will be home in a month. And every day, I get some kind of new entertainment from a certain 2 year old little girl.

11 comments:

  1. My husband and I are only together part of the time, too, and it's weird. If it's a month at a time that makes TTC that much harder. I'm still waiting for my beta to get to zero and I keep having incompetent phlebotomists myself. So sorry you are having a tough time but, yes, two-year-old girls are good entertainment!

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  2. I'm sorry you're sad. It's good that you're able to look on the bright side though. Target is a pregnant magnet! I was there last night and I noticed like a bizillion baby bumps. I hate them all! ;)

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  3. Big ((Hugs)) Thinking of you.

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  4. I'm so sorry. I got pregnancy brain with both of my chemical pregnancies which added insult to injury.

    I wish I could make it less hurty for you.

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  5. It's not a good time to be without your husband. I'm sorry. And your poor arm. There's a nurse at my clinic I'm actually scared off, she makes such a hash of blood-draws.

    I'm glad you have things to look forward to, and your little girl to love. Wishing you and your family every good thing.

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  6. ((hugs))

    I've noticed that about target, too! Every time I'm there I see a handful of pregnant women. it sucks

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  7. I used to work at Target in college, and I swear, every other customer is a hugely pregnant woman. And I'm always afraid to comment on someone's pregnancy because I live in fear that one day I will say something to someone who is NOT pregnant...so I would be all, 'you want a gift receipt for this onesie,' and they'd be all like, 'idiot. i'm hugely pregnant.'

    It was an awful place to work in case you are thinking about it.

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  8. I wandered to your site and read this post. I don't know you, but I feel sad for your sadness. I'm so sorry you've been trying for another baby just to be disappointed. I'm not someone who ever wants children, but I've seen friends disappointed by unfulfilled baby dreams. It's hard to watch. I can only imagine the actual experience. My prayers are with you.

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  9. I wish I knew what to say but I've never had a m/c so I don't really know what you're going though. But I can guess. I'm sorry hon.

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  10. i'm sorry for your loss. sending you lots of healing vibes. and target totally sucks--they're never laid out the same so i invariably find myself turning a corner and running smack into the baby aisle, which of course, i try and avoid.

    thank you for stopping by my blog.

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  11. I'm so sorry. I don't know your whole history, but I am here, being sad with you.

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