Email exchange between my husband and me this morning:
Me: I gave up caffeine for nothing, but at least I can finish that bottle of Merlot now...
Him: Damn it!
Just when I think I'm selfishly forcing what I want on my husband, he surprises me. He likes to tell me that babies are what I want. That he would be perfectly happy never having had kids. I know this is true, as I watch him constantly try to divest himself of belongings. To sever attachments so he is free. To travel to the ends of the earth, for a mission, yes, but also for the thrill of discovery. But then I see how quickly he fell in love with our daughter, and how he loves her now. I see that he is disappointed too. He usually keeps his feelings too close for me to tell what's going on (which is why I am frequently so irritated with him...I never know what he's thinking!) so I think that it is just me.
With our first pregnancies, there was no problem at all getting pregnant. I estimated my ovulation date, and we tried to make a baby. Whenever we tried, fertilization occurred. Two times out of three, there was no baby, but the beginning step was easy and always successful. Here we come to my main fear. How much work will it take to have another baby, and how far am I willing to go? I know that, since my eggs are already 40 (thanks for counting age at delivery, OB's of the world), I should not be expecting to get pregnant easily. But I do, because that's how it has been in the past. And each time I don't get pregnant, I have to confront the fact that there may be obstacles.
To date, I have been facing these facts alone. But today, even though I got that BFN, I know I'm not alone in my disappointment. I do have a companion on this journey, even though he pretends to send me along on my own. When we work together, we can really accomplish the things we want to do. (Um...well, as long as there are no issues about methods or who's in charge - since we're both a couple of stubborn know-it-alls). Thanks to my husband, even in my disappointment, I find my hope renewed.