Dear John,
This is the response I get from your daughter every time I tell her about what one or more of your sisters did this time. I am so irate about this that I was texting with your brother's wife about it half of yesterday and then again for a couple hours this morning.
To set the scene: SIL volunteers for a veterans-related charity that puts on concerts over 2 days at the local park in your hometown every year. This charity raises money to give direct help to veterans who need money for things like electric bills or mobility aids or tree removal or anything else. I never go to the concerts but they get decent acts. Last year they had Bob Dylan's son's band...they sing One Headlight...can't think of the name right now, don't care enough to google. They keep it to people who have a draw but not a big enough one to overwhelm the town. Friday night is always country; Saturday is rock.
As you know, veterans have a higher than average rate of suicide, so one of the weekend events every year is a suicide awareness walk. I have not yet been able to drag myself down there for this, but after this, I think I will go this year. Anyway, as a promotion for the suicide awareness walk, SIL made a video talking about how personal this walk will be for her this year, as she lost her husband M to suicide. I was glad she made the video, and I thought she was brave to do it. It was posted Wednesday night.
On Thursday, SIL sent me a text of screenshots from your 3rd sister, K's, Facebook page, from which both SIL and I are blocked. There was a novelette about how she couldn't watch the video but her friends were horrified and gave her summaries. How your family has had to watch nonsense and narcissistic posts over the past few months that nauseate them. How they don't post about their immense grief and sadness, because they're private people...as your brother was. How the charity has now put his death on blast..,,,drawing attention to his death more than the life he led. How he was not a veteran or a volunteer and his death should not be used as a way to draw attention to the charity's event. Then she proceeded to quote the county sheriff's incident report suggesting that SIL knew that M was having suicidal ideation and did not do anything about it. How she didn't call family. She didn't call your brother-in-law, who's a doctor. She didn't call his best friend. He wasn't taken to the hospital or offered medical attention and no firearms were removed from the home. She rounded it out with "What I wouldn't give to have received a phone call alerting me to his crisis before it was too late. We carry the pain everyday that we were not given the opportunity to help him or save him. His death was preventable and M deserved so much more..."
I'm not sure which part of the above bullshit made me the most angry, but it was secondary to the part where she said that when your dad died 15 years ago, M took the lead of your family. The fucking nerve of that little bitch to completely erase you makes me so violently angry that she's lucky she's not in front of me right now. Where were they when your mom needed a new roof, and new gutters, and a new HVAC system? Where were they when your sister S's husband was going to redo your mom's kitchen and you spent an entire day tiling the backsplash because "Oh, he was only going to get her new countertops." (Big fucking surprise that that asshole went back on what he promised to do.) Where were they when she fell down the stairs and then took too much medication and ended up confused and out of it in the hospital? Did any of them take her home? Did any of them live up to their promise to stay with her while she recovered when we took her back home after staying with us for a few days? Who set up the schedule? And then who flaked out on it? Motherfucking assholes. Not to be mean, but it certainly wasn't M. Who were you fighting with when you said that your mom was getting too old to provide daycare for people's kids any more? Oh, right, that was K and M.
I guess the second most enraging thing about that egregious load of self-absorbed drivel is that K blames SIL for not calling her to come save the day. I saw your brother maybe twice after your death. One was at his house at Easter 2022 or 2023. I don't think he said anything more than Hi to me that day...which was unusual. We'd usually chat for a little bit at every holiday. But I was in a weird place due to your death, so that may have been on me. The second time I saw him was at our daughter's grad party, one year before his death. I could immediately see that something was different about him. His hair had gone almost totally gray, so that was one thing. But he was restless and uncomfortable...and they came at a completely different time from the rest of your family. When I talked to SIL about 6 weeks later, we were talking about how he was withdrawn and starting to act like you. And we talked about trying to get him to talk to someone and what she was doing to try to help. So, I have to wonder...how could I, someone who saw your brother twice in 4 years and barely talked to him, see how he was at a low point in life, while your sister, who is implying that they had a close relationship, had no idea?
So, that's the nail in the coffin for me. I won't be interacting with your family ever again. I won't be able to do anything but tell them that they're self-absorbed jagoffs who should really look in the mirror once in a while. But I will probably go to the walk next weekend. And maybe I will say a few word about how the post is part of the reason people follow through on their suicidal thought - being forced to hide your pain only lets it balloon until it explodes.
When I was texting SIL today, I told her that I wanted to send a message to your family group chat refuting everything in that post. I was angrily composing things in my head, and you were on my shoulder whispering "don't bother. Let karma take care of it. Nothing you say will make a difference." It's been a bit since you were actively advising me on anything, so it was nice to feel you with me. Even if I was enraged. Instead of texting the group chat, SIL and I discussed the many different ways in which karma has already come for your sisters.
I did, however, suggest to SIL that she contact her more confrontational friends who aren't blocked by your sister to comment on the post with things like:
Your brother-in-law is an anesthesiologist. What was he going to do for M's mental health? Put him to sleep? and Why didn't you notice his stress when you were in contact after the house fire, K? Is it because you couldn't be bothered to call and see how he was doing? and For someone who's so "private," that's an awfully long diatribe hating on a woman who lost her husband. and something inspired by your actions: Are you OK? You sound unstable. And with your family history...
In related news, I had to go to the dentist this week. Our regular hygienist is out on medical leave for carpal tunnel surgery. S had a make-up appointment in July, and was complaining that whoever cleaned her teeth was so rough that her entire mouth hurt. Our usual girl is absolutely the most gentle but thorough hygienist on the planet. I had someone different - as it turns out. the lady I had is the mom of the dude who runs the charity your SIL is involved with as well as the grandmother of your niece's close friend. She was almost as good as our regular hygienist, except for the part where she was polishing my gums with the tool instead of my tooth. But other than that, I didn't leave with sore gums and teeth that felt loose, so I'll call it a win. After that, I went to Costco, where I bought some hydrangeas for your grave. They were pretty. I hope the deer enjoyed eating them.
Your daughter started her second year of school. She still claims to hate it, but seems to be settling in OK. She's currently trying to test for mold in her apartment. She likes having the car at school. She got a job at Chik FilA (my sister would be pissed, but we don't need to tell her that yet another niece is working for the homophobic company. It's convenient, and S likes the food there...and they give her a free meal every shift.) She's pledging the premed/bio groups again, and they remember her. She's having a good time with her boyfriend. I have no idea if they're having sex, but it's really not my business, I guess. She does sleep over with him a lot. She's training him to be a suitable husband someday. He's a good kid though.
I wish you were here to laugh with me about this crap instead of letting it make me mad.
That's about all I have to relate. Dogs are driving me nuts. I have no trips planned until next spring break when we're going to London and Paris. Then in May, we're going to the military hotel in Honolulu. I like Hawaii. Other than that...not much going on.
Love you and miss you,
A
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