I don't even know what to say.

 Dear John,

On Monday, your brother decided to follow in your footsteps and shot himself in the woods behind his house.  I don't know why.  I do know that last year, when we saw his wife in the summer - a few weeks after he had been at S's graduation party - she said he was starting to act like you.  He was withdrawing from things and seemed depressed.  I don't know what happened, but I imagine the house fire was not a help.  

When his wife sent me the text, I thought it was some kind of dumb accident.  It took me a full minute to understand what she meant.  I've been terribly upset about this - more than I would have expected.  I mean, I knew him for 25 years.  But we weren't close.  I wish you guys had been able to talk about deeper things.  I know he absolutely valued your advice.  I know you enjoyed his company.  He was lively and fun and sweet.  And I'm still sad.

I've been trying to help his wife with the adjustment.  I warned her about sticker shock at the funeral home.  She asked me about clothing and whether it was weird that she didn't want to see him.  I said that it wasn't weird - I didn't know what she saw and it would serve no purpose to replace her memories of him alive with memories of him dead.  She told me a little about what happened.  She had decided on a closed casket, but apparently that was not clearly understood by the funeral home.  When we arrived at the church, your youngest sister was supervising the closing of the casket.  

Your sisters are torn up, of course.  And your mom - although she seemed almost resigned.  I can't even imagine.  His daughter had a little breakdown on the way out of church, and S was helpful in calming her down.  She rode with us to the cemetery.  They chose a cemetery near their house, and I was surprised that it is not a Catholic cemetery.  It's small and pretty, and his grave is at the very edge of the woods.  It was quiet and pleasant, filled with birdsong and the rustling of the leaves.  He will be happy to rest there.  

I don't think his son really knows what's going on.  That's probably good.  I will try to help your brother's wife further - she apparently let your brother handle all the finances without really being informed.  I would never have relinquished that much control.  But then I forgot that they were together since she got out of high school.  I don't think she ever lived on her own.  

I think she'll probably get married again.  She's only 41 or 42.  He was only 48.  What a mess.  Every time I think about it, I want to start crying again.  

Your daughter is a great kid - it is finals week, and she still had me come get her so she could attend the funeral.  I spent the whole day in the car yesterday.  I am exhausted - your 2nd youngest sister's cop friends (one who was a detective that we worked with) bought lunch for the family today.  I sort of wanted to go, but I was just too tired.  

And, as usual for me, I made an awkward comment during the visitation.  Here's hoping your sister didn't pay that much attention.  (I said I was triggered.  At the funeral of someone who shot himself.  Ugh.  I am terrible.) I talked to a couple of your friends while I was there too.  It was nice to see them.  

So, that's what's up this week.  It sucks.

Love, 

A