Distance

 Dear John,

A year is a strange marker.  There are no more firsts of things I'm doing without you any more, really.  I'm fine on my own, of course.  I'm a capable adult most of the time.  But having you to second guess me all the time made me more certain of my decisions, if only out of stubbornness.  Now, I have doubts.  But, because I'm me, I still shrug it off and figure I can pick up the pieces if things go wrong anyway.

But I feel a strange distance from you now.  Your presence is not hanging over everything.  I think of how you would not let S do all the driving around that she's doing.  But I want her to have experience in navigating in familiar territory before she ventures into the unfamiliar.  I mean...it doesn't really matter, as she relies completely on Google maps.  But I want her to gradually get used to traffic before she goes off to college. I think of how you would react to all of her drama with boys - you'd probably just laugh at her, tell her to take petty vengeance, or to stop talking to boys because she's not allowed to date.  I think that you would be unhappy that she's managing the soccer team and is staying so late at school a couple times a week.  But when I think of that, I don't think I'm letting her do the wrong things.  I'm just doing them differently than you would.  Will it work out?  I don't know.

Some of the pine trees are looking rough.  Not sure what's going on with them, but I spread a bunch of iron around the one that looks the worst.  I hope that helps.  The Arbor Vitae that you put at the front corner of the house (and braced with old Christmas tree lights 😂) is also browning a bit and also got some iron.  I do not need tree removal in my life.  I do need to take out that juniper in front of the window.  Your mom offered your brother's and/or brother-in-law's services to pull it out.  After the run-in with the village, I have sprayed roundup on the ornamental grass in front.  Most of it seems to have died out.  I don't care if it looks terrible.  Let the HOA suggest some improvements.  Speaking of which, after taking a pause on collecting dues last year (due to the overflowing coffers), the HOA has also given me a bereavement pass this year too.  I'll take it.  I will have to leave work early to attend the annual meeting.  It's at your favorite Mexican restaurant, so I hope I will get better food than at the usual place.  S says they serve the same stuff at her concessions stand as they do at that restaurant.  If nothing else, I should be able to get some queso and chips.

Tomorrow, I need to make phone calls that I've been procrastinating on.  I need oil changes for both cars.  I have to harass the VA, as they never paid your ambulance bill for the day you died.  I have to harass the VA for the medical care they said I was approved for all of last year - still haven't received any paperwork on that.  I have to go to Lowe's to get some more wasp spray - they're creative this year and are building their nest underneath the front door.  I'm lazy and don't want to do any of this, but there's no one else.  But maybe S's cruise credit will come through, and I can book my second cruise of the year - this time to Alaska.  

Missing you always...

Love,

A