Gulf War Syndrome

 Dear John,

I was watching a show called Diagnosis on Netflix.  The New York Times has a doctor who writes a column about people who have undiagnosed illnesses, and then tries to crowd-source for a diagnosis.  It was episode 3.  A middle aged Hispanic man was losing his mental acuity.  They talked a lot about how his memory was bad; he wasn't able to keep his job.  He had inflammation in his brain that was expanding.  He was a veteran who had served in the Gulf War.  

Once they added the information about his service, a bunch of people weighed in with a diagnosis of Gulf War Syndrome.  They spoke with the leading researcher of Gulf War illness, and she was speaking about brain inflammation.  I was angry and sad, because you were working so hard to push towards getting some investigation into inflammation in your brain, and you just ran into roadblock after roadblock.  Seems like they give away MRIs like candy to everyone else, but you were never able to have anyone prescribe one for you.  Would you have seen the lesions that this man has?  Maybe I should have demanded an autopsy.  I don't even think they have a medical examiner here any more - I just saw that one of the CSIs had to go halfway up the state for an autopsy the other day.  Sigh - it doesn't make any difference in the long run.  There is no treatment available.  

Anyway, back to the show, because the man had only been in the Army for 8 years, he didn't think about GWI.  He never pursued VA care.  But after the show, he did get VA care.  He was diagnosed with and being treated for PTSD.  Looks like they're being a little more generous with that diagnosis now.  You could never get them to admit that you had PTSD.  He's at least getting disability, I think, which is good because he couldn't work.

Meanwhile, I got the bill from the EMS from the day you died again last week.  I had sent it to the VA for payment through Community Care.  They hadn't paid it in a year.  I called the VA today - they could tell me, but not the EMS billing, what the problem was.  Turns out, the billing company submitted the bill with your birthdate wrong - they had it as November instead of January.  The VA can't give out your personal information, apparently.  Sounds like they are contract workers too.  It was weird.  The EMS billing company will resubmit it and maybe get paid someday.

Then I got transferred over to ChampVA - I got a notice around January saying that they had paid for coverage for all of 2022.  That's funny, since I sent in my application in about August and never heard anything from them again.  I called a couple months ago, and they said "your application was just processed today!"  They said the same thing today.  S's application still hasn't been processed, I don't think.  It's fine, I guess.  I have 180 days once they send out my paperwork to submit claims for past services.  Turns out I can submit claims from the day you received your disability certification.  So it looks like I get to go through 10 years worth of healthcare to see what I can get repaid for.  Once S's stuff is done, I can get repaid for her stuff too.  She actually has all those bills from her doctor.

I also took the car in for an oil change.  

I'm selling one of your watches (at a discount) to one of my online friends that you used to complain about.  I know you wouldn't really approve, but I think she will appreciate it more than most people.  It's for her husband, who seems like a nice guy.  Maybe I'm just being passive aggressive, by doing something you wouldn't like.  Hard to say.

Love,

A

Distance

 Dear John,

A year is a strange marker.  There are no more firsts of things I'm doing without you any more, really.  I'm fine on my own, of course.  I'm a capable adult most of the time.  But having you to second guess me all the time made me more certain of my decisions, if only out of stubbornness.  Now, I have doubts.  But, because I'm me, I still shrug it off and figure I can pick up the pieces if things go wrong anyway.

But I feel a strange distance from you now.  Your presence is not hanging over everything.  I think of how you would not let S do all the driving around that she's doing.  But I want her to have experience in navigating in familiar territory before she ventures into the unfamiliar.  I mean...it doesn't really matter, as she relies completely on Google maps.  But I want her to gradually get used to traffic before she goes off to college. I think of how you would react to all of her drama with boys - you'd probably just laugh at her, tell her to take petty vengeance, or to stop talking to boys because she's not allowed to date.  I think that you would be unhappy that she's managing the soccer team and is staying so late at school a couple times a week.  But when I think of that, I don't think I'm letting her do the wrong things.  I'm just doing them differently than you would.  Will it work out?  I don't know.

Some of the pine trees are looking rough.  Not sure what's going on with them, but I spread a bunch of iron around the one that looks the worst.  I hope that helps.  The Arbor Vitae that you put at the front corner of the house (and braced with old Christmas tree lights 😂) is also browning a bit and also got some iron.  I do not need tree removal in my life.  I do need to take out that juniper in front of the window.  Your mom offered your brother's and/or brother-in-law's services to pull it out.  After the run-in with the village, I have sprayed roundup on the ornamental grass in front.  Most of it seems to have died out.  I don't care if it looks terrible.  Let the HOA suggest some improvements.  Speaking of which, after taking a pause on collecting dues last year (due to the overflowing coffers), the HOA has also given me a bereavement pass this year too.  I'll take it.  I will have to leave work early to attend the annual meeting.  It's at your favorite Mexican restaurant, so I hope I will get better food than at the usual place.  S says they serve the same stuff at her concessions stand as they do at that restaurant.  If nothing else, I should be able to get some queso and chips.

Tomorrow, I need to make phone calls that I've been procrastinating on.  I need oil changes for both cars.  I have to harass the VA, as they never paid your ambulance bill for the day you died.  I have to harass the VA for the medical care they said I was approved for all of last year - still haven't received any paperwork on that.  I have to go to Lowe's to get some more wasp spray - they're creative this year and are building their nest underneath the front door.  I'm lazy and don't want to do any of this, but there's no one else.  But maybe S's cruise credit will come through, and I can book my second cruise of the year - this time to Alaska.  

Missing you always...

Love,

A

Vacation

 Dear John,

To distract your daughter from the anniversary of your death, I took her on a cruise to the Caribbean.  We left out of Puerto Rico, and traveled from there to St. Thomas, St. Kitts, St. Lucia, Barbados, Antigua, and St. Maarten.  You would never have gone on a cruise, because you were convinced that you would get sick from the food.  Well, as predicted, S got sick from the food.  Poor kid got a terrible case of food poisoning, and saw none of Barbados or Antigua.  She missed out on her snorkeling adventure.  She missed out on our hiking/beach tour.  In a way, it was good, because she needed a break from my bestie's kids - they were starting to drive her crazy.  But she was miserable for about 36 hours.  We did take a catamaran ride in St. Maarten, which she loved.  We picked up a cheap pendant in the expensive jewelry store chain on every island.  We bought a lot of t-shirts and a couple hats.  We had a nice dinner every evening, and ate a lot of steak.  

S is so much like you - irritated with me when I don't have every second planned and don't know everything in advance.  She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out - she wants a plan and the plan should be very precise and preferably perfect.  I tend to get the broad strokes accomplished, and fill in the details as they happen.  I don't think she will ever really enjoy my style of vacation planning, so I don't see us doing much traveling together.  I have booked her senior trip to Italy and Greece - she said something about me going with, but...that's not my scene.  Sharing rooms with strangers and tour buses and stuff?  Pass.  That's for the young and adventurous.

I was frequently sad on the trip - it's hard to go places without you calling me all the time (not that you would have been able to on the cruise anyway).  It's hard to hear you say "I told you so" in my mind.  It's hard that you're not there to comfort S when she's experiencing things the way you would.  It's hard when the fun time I planned turns out to be not so fun.  I feel inadequate and disappointed.  Probably because I'm not up to conquering the world as easily as I could with your help.  I can't even decide if I should do the car maintenance - I know you would have skipped it and done some research to show that X doesn't need to be done until (future date) and Y is just nonsense.  But I don't know these things, and I'm not sure where you found your info, so it seems like spending the $300 is a better option.  Even though 90% of the service is "inspect."  Sigh...

I am currently exhausted because our return trip from Puerto Rico was ridiculous.  Our original flight was reasonable, so, of course, they canceled it almost immediately.  They rebooked us on a flight that left before our cruise docked.  I was finally able to find a flight that we could take, but it involved an overnight layover at JFK.  We were dropped at the airport at noon, and I was hoping to check our bags and maybe go back out into town.  But they don't let you check luggage until 3 or 4  hours before the flight, and we were there 8 hours early.  Then our flight got delayed until 10:45 pm. We almost didn't even make it to JFK - the pilot was about to time out for the day, if we hadn't gotten into the air.  Of course, that shortened our layover, so that was fine.  But then I had to go and pick up the dogs, and drive us home.  It's now the next day, and I'm still so tired from the lack of sleep since Sunday.  Once S gets home from managing the soccer game today, I will be going straight to bed.  I went to work for 5 hours and then had to take the rest of the day off.  Tomorrow is my work from home day, so that's good news.  Maybe by Thursday, I won't be such a zombie.  We shall see.

Love,

A