Guardian Angel?

 Dear John,

I was talking to one of the new kids at work the other day about my crazy Wednesday.  She asked me if I believed in guardian angels or that sort of thing.  I said "Well, I don't know how much I *believe* it, but we've always said that someone was looking out for us when something terrible ALMOST happens."  And there were some coincidences that suggest that you're looking out for us.

I was on the way to the dentist, and noticed something weird about the car.  The only thing to check is the tire pressure screen, and, as I was watching, the front tire was losing air.  I calculated whether I could make it to the dentist, but I was not even close, and the next exit was the last one with services close by.  So I pulled off and went to the truck stop.  As I was ineffectually flailing around, getting the jack out, and trying to figure out where to put it, a lovely young woman came over and basically took over.  I don't know what it is about me, but people frequently help me when I'm clearly out of my depth.  It's not to say that I can't change a tire - I can.  It would just take me a lot longer than it did when she helped me.  She did say it looked like it was the first time I was changing a tire...but it wasn't!  She gave me a lot of tips, though.  As usual, I forgot to offer her money.  I'm absentminded in general, but it's so much worse when I'm flustered.  I went back the next day, but she wasn't there.  

Anyway, we're headed up for our annual vacation at my sister's in a couple weeks, so I assumed this was your way of telling me that I needed new tires on the car.  S was not very happy with me, as she lost free access to the other car for about 36 hours.  Fortunately for her, I was able to get new tires Friday morning.  I think, when I got in the car on Wednesday, the song I most associate with your death was on the radio.  So, yeah, do I believe?  It's not logical, and there's no proof, but in general, I sometimes feel like you're talking to me in the only way you can.  

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and they offered the $60 photo shoot of the back of my eye.  The incentive was that I wouldn't have to be dilated.  Of course, I said "Dilation is free!  I'll go with that."  I feel like I may have failed one of the other tests, as the young man who was doing the preliminary tests called me back out and told me that I got a free session out of them.  Then again, it may be that the eye doctor was not interested in the time involved in dilating my eyes.  Anyway, the young man and I went on to have a wide-ranging discussion covering things like pizza, Chicago, New York, and music.  Anyway, eyes are fine, so that's good news.

S and I went shopping after that - we stopped to visit your grave.  The rusty old movement that I left on your headstone after the watch show was still there.  Someone had put a flag on your grave too.  I assume that was your brother's wife.  Or maybe your mom.  Anyway, I assume they're having some sort of Memorial Day event, as there were a lot of new signs up, making streets one way and no parking on on one side of the road.  We also saw 4 deer.  And S noticed that a local landmark is visible from your grave.  

Back to my sisters, they had a star named for you for the anniversary of your death.  And my oldest sister got a commemorative brick installed at the park by her house.  You may have gone there once, but S and I were frequently sending you calls and photos and videos from there.  We'll go see it when we head up next month.

I picked our vacation date this year because I got tickets to see The Cure.  I don't know how I'll hold up when they play Pictures of You or Lullaby or Boys Don't Cry, but I'm still excited to go.  I'm taking my best friend - we went to see them when we were 17.  It was a great concert then, and from all reports, it will be a great concert now.  

I'll be thinking of you.

Love,

A

It's not unusual?

 Dear John, 

By the time I met you, I had quite a bit of experience with loss.  My mom's father died 10 years before I was born.  My dad's mother died when I was 4.  My dad's dad lived until he was 98 - I was 13 when he died.  Not long after, at my dad's uncle's wake, I was exposed to The Family Look.  Mom popped her gum as we were standing around, and my aunt gave her the most withering stare I had ever seen.  I thought my mother was going to drop dead on the spot.  At my dad's wake a few years later, we laughed and laughed about it, after making sure Mom didn't have any gum.  

4 years after my dad died, my last remaining grandparent, mom's mom died.  Just before I left Chicago to move with you, my dad's oldest sister died.  A few years later, it was my uncle.  Thus, I was prepared when you were acting a bit off after your dad died - on the day of his wake, you suddenly decided to dye your hair, which you had previously let go grey.  Except you started too late and didn't let it set long enough, so it was a weird sort of purple instead of brown.  You were unprepared for loss - the only people in your life that had died were your grandfather, who you only saw once or twice a year, and a grandmother to whom you weren't close.  On top of that, you were already slightly estranged from your family.  You couldn't handle the cancer diagnosis and couldn't watch him decline at the end.  You were there while he was undergoing treatment, but once he was near the end, you withdrew.  Within a month, your grandmother was gone too - which cemented your withdrawl from your family.  You didn't even go to her funeral.  And then my aunt, deliverer of The Family Look, died next.  

A couple more years and it was my mom.  9 years to the day before you.

Another aunt.  Another uncle.  Then you.

I'm starting to think that maybe I might be...unlucky.

A

Unremarked

 Dear John,

Thursday was our 20th anniversary.  Technically, we didn't make it to 19.  Realistically, the only reason we usually noticed our anniversary was when we received a card in the mail from your mom's friend.  I don't know why it was so hard to remember the date.  There was a lot of consideration on my part in choosing the date.  We picked the days to go to Key West.  We arrived on the 8th, and needed to get a marriage license.  We couldn't get married on the 9th - it was a coworker's birthday.  The 10th was out too - it's my nephew's birthday.  The 12th - my cousin's birthday.  We were leaving for home on the 13th.  That left the 11th.  And yet...I could never remember the date without careful consideration.  You never remembered anything like that.  I'm surprised that you remembered my birthday, but if I remember correctly, that only started once I refused to celebrate it.  Suddenly, it became important to you.  

Speaking of which, after offloading all your watch stuff, I decided that S and I are taking the Alaska cruise that I've wanted to do.  We're going the week of my birthday.  My oldest sister is talking about coming with us - I hope she decides to.  S thrives when she has adults who love her around.  I am looking forward to it.  When we traveled, you wanted to stay close and only be gone for 3 days or less.  So we got to see a few out of the way places.  That Botanical Garden up north was really nice.  And Memphis was fun - we managed to stuff quite a bit in while we were there.  But I wanted to go to completely different places, and you couldn't do it.  

My aunt may be coming to watch the dogs.  It will be good to have a housesitter too.  I haven't seen her in a while. 

S is almost done with another school year.  She has been complaining about all her honors/AP classes.  I am going to have to crack down on her, because her main focus is social activities.  Then work.  Then looking at stuff on her phone.  Then maybe school.  I don't want to overload her, but at the same time, she has to plan for her future.  It's very frustrating.  We shall see.

Your sister-in-law asked if I had any voice recordings of you.  I sent her a couple (from your phone, which is still connected.  For $10, I don't see the point of getting rid of the line).  Today, I found the digital voice recorder, and all the files of S as a baby and toddler talking with you and telling stories.  It was good...and sad...to hear your voice again.  

I had to cut back trees today.  The ornamental plum likes to overhang the walkway.  That's fixed - for me, anyway.  Tall people may still have issues.  The maple tree in back is probably irritating the lawn guys.  I cut a bit off of that too.  I thought the knock-out rose was dead, and wondered how that could possibly have happened.  Knock-out roses are almost impossible to kill.  Turns out it was only half dead.  I trimmed a lot of dead branches, and then dragged them to the back.  Got a couple scrapes from the thorns.  I planted a couple bushes too - a raspberry and a mock orange.  I'm not sure if either of them will survive.  But there was a good storm, so the rain should help.  

S broke up with her second "boyfriend" in a few months.  She's not dating - just "talking."  Whatever that means.  Now I have to hear her talk about it all the time.  It's kind of exhausting.  But I'm glad she's having these low-stakes encounters.  It will help her figure out what she wants in the future.  

I guess that's everything.  You're all caught up.  Miss you much...

Love,

A

End of an era

Dear John,

The watch show started today.  I sold A LOT of your watches - well, to be fair, your friend sold a lot of your watches.  Many of them went to that Tom guy that you refused to deal with any more.  He bought 117.  I feel like it was not up to your standards, but to some extent, I don't care.  I really just want the stuff gone.  But it was reasonable, so I went with it. There was a young guy from Texas who bought a lot of stuff.  It was nice to see some new blood.  A lot of old guys bought some stuff here and there.  Some dude from Indiana, I think, bought quite a bit - almost all of your smaller size watches.  A guy named Skip, who looks kind of familiar, bought lots of wristwatch parts.  I think I've seen him at auctions or at the flea market.  I don't know if any of the jokers from the flea market will show up on Saturday.  We'll see, I guess.

I spent a bit of time talking suicide with a guy named Dave.  He bought your buffer, one of your cleaners, and a bunch of watches.  He is retired Air Force.  I guess he asked how you died, and I was honest.  I know you would hate that I'm sharing your business, but I'm not ashamed of you or of your choices.  I'm sad that I couldn't change your mind about anything - our need for you, your reactions to things, seeking help, etc.  But you made your choice and if it helps other people to choose differently if I talk about it, then I will talk about it.  He was saying that the neurologist called in a counselor, who asked him about suicidal thoughts, and he admitted to having them.  Then they asked if he had guns.  But he's a gun collector, so he wouldn't do that to his collection.  They even called his wife, who told them they were off base.  He said that if he got to that point, he'd just take all the medication they gave him.  I told him that he was needed, and that he shouldn't give in to the thoughts.  He took home some projects and wants your friend to show him how to do some minor repairs.  I hope that he enjoys working with the watches, and that some of your love for them and ability to keep them running bleeds through to him.  

I think we're pretty close in price to what you told me everything was worth.  Or maybe I'm way off your estimate.  Regardless, I held a lot of what you had deemed "the good stuff" back for S to decide what to do with later.  Maybe she'll have kids and pass them on.  Maybe she'll just adopt dogs.  I don't know.  But your friend said that I should be going home with an empty car tomorrow, so that will be a large weight off my mind.  On to the fucking baseball cards...

I signed up for a metalsmithing class at the university.  I think it will be fun to learn how to make jewelry.  Then I might melt down some of that silver that's all over the house and make things from it.  We shall see.  

Well, I have to go to bed so I can get up early and make the 2 hour drive again tomorrow.  My BIL came down to help - I got him a hotel room, but I didn't want to leave S on her own.  I was going to make her come with me tomorrow, but there's really nothing for her to do.  So she's free, except for household chores.  And going to the library.  My BIL was amazed at the atmosphere of the watch guys.  He's never seen anything like it.  My sister is working from Hawai'i for a month (sucks to be her, I guess 😕) so he has free time anyway, and he misses doing the shows that he did for 20 years as a photographer.    I'm exhausted...

Love,

A