End of an era

 Dear John,

We went for a quick visit to my sister's this week.  It was a perfect time to go.  S goes away to school in a little over a week.  We got to go to the pool in my sister's town for the last time.  She used to live across the street from the pool, so we would go every summer.  It was a great wave pool, but the town said that the pool, as well as the park complex, has outlived its usefulness.  The last day was today (we went on Friday), and it will all be knocked down.  They've already redone the park where we spent a lot of our summer visits.  And as we were driving home, I was so sad that you wouldn't be here to greet us and hear all our stories.

We spent some time with your family as well.  S went to visit her cousins in Chicago for a weekend last month - she took the train by herself.  It was a great time.  She really connects with those particular cousins.  You would approve, as they're your next younger sister's kids.  I got to see the older cousin when we were there this weekend.  She's got about 5 different career paths going - I hope she finds one that will actually support her.  But she's a good kid, and I'm sure she'll figure it out.

We saw your mom - S got her a rosary when she was in Rome.  It's a Jubilee year, so IMO, all religious items are papally blessed!  Your youngest sister came by while we were there, and I gave her a few remembrances of you.  S doesn't approve.  She's not a fan of any of your sisters except the oldest, really.  But since that sister is the only one who reached out to ask, I did not see a problem with selecting some of your things.  I gave her things that are wholly sentimental and totally representative of you but not monetarily valuable.  She was fine with that, but didn't want your mom to even see what she had, because your mom already gave away something of hers to the sister I refuse to speak to.  I'm trying not to be angry about that, since there's nothing I can do.

We also saw your brother's wife.  She arranged for S to get a nice scholarship from a veteran's charity that she supports.  Well, she encouraged S to apply for it, and S was one of two applicants for 3 scholarships, so...  Anyway, we saw her to pick up the check.  S can use it for anything, so that's nice.  Your brother's wife said that he's becoming more like you every day.  More anxious, less social.  We talked a bit and ended up at "Man, it sure sucks when you have to admit that John was right about some things."  And your youngest sister regrets that she let you push her away especially when you were clearly right about some of the issues you all argued about.

This week will be busy as S gets ready to leave for school.  While I know I will be OK without her, that's probably because I know she won't ever let me actually be without her.  She has already said that she will call me every day.  I'm not sure if she will keep that up, though I know she will start off that way.  My sister's husband will be coming to help us with the move-in.  He's definitely not you, but I think S will appreciate having the extra support and help.  We're going to see my other sister to visit the foster dog.  She's got hang-outs scheduled for all her friends.  We're having a nice dinner on Friday.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

The only thing I'm looking forward to when S leaves is that I can get the house straightened out and then not have anyone come and mess it up.  I have given up for now, as she has all her things spread everywhere to get organized for school.  Also, she's going through her slob phase.  Hope she's gotten it out of her system so her roommate doesn't kill her. 

Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot this week.  Wish you were here for this transition - you in your early form, where you would have been excited to help S arrange things and glad to send her off to her future.  You were never really like that once she was born - it was all fear for her, all the time.  But the man I first met would have sent her off, complained about the expense, and been excited for all the challenges she would face.  I wish she had known more than a glimpse of him.

Love,

A

Communication

 Dear John,

I felt you were speaking to me through music today.  One song that makes me think of you came on in the car, and then when I got out of the car and went into the restaurant, the other song that makes me think of you came on.  Not sure if you're just popping in to say hi, or if there's something else going on.  I mean, I have some ideas for you, if you're looking for tasks.  None of them are ideas I should put in writing, so I guess I'll go with...I hope you're letting me know that you'll be watching S when she goes on her trip next week.  Italy and Greece - places where you would have loved to go.  I wish you had given yourself the chance.

Now that graduation is done, and college registration is done (ugh.  Your daughter.  If only she listened.  But...whatever.  Tuition is waived so as long as she finishes in 4 years, she's golden.), I've been working on the baseball cards.  I got a bunch of them graded.  I've sold about a dozen, and made most of the grading money back.  That means I have another 17 or so to sell that will be all profit.  I have at least another 40 that will be worth grading, so I will need to get that done.  I think it will be to my benefit to join their stupid club to get a better rate on the grading.  I hate to throw money away, but either way, it's going to happen.  Grading eases the sales, though.  It's hard to argue when you know exactly what you're getting. 

Some jerkoff lowballed me on one of the cards I had listed.  Then he sent another lowball offer for another card.  I sent him a counter, and he was all "but I was buying 2 of your cards!  That's why I should get a 30% discount!"  Fuck right off out of here with that bullshit, sir.  I don't think you understand how a bulk deal works, but I do.  It means you get a lower price if you pay for a less desirable item to go with your fairly valued items.  Anyway, I ended up selling one of those cards almost immediately after turning him down for the amount I thought I would get.  The other may be slightly overpriced, but the guy JUST died in December, so I was hoping to ride on that.  I may have to lower the price.  All in all, though, it's been fairly low key so far.

I can't remember if I told you about your youngest sister contacting me to ask about the stuff I donated to the vocational school that was your dad's.  She was looking for something sentimental, like tools (I guess?), but I was all...I didn't think you wanted boxes of nails and screws.  She agreed that she didn't, but then asked if I had kept the letters and stuff that she had sent you.  I sent her photos of those when I was going through things just after you died, but threw some of it away since the response I got was unenthusiastic.  Then she said that she had a scarf that you had brought back from Afghanistan, but your sister that I refuse to speak to said that it was hers, and your mom backed her up, so your youngest sister felt compelled to give it to her.  That fucking bitch.  I did not directly address it (though, to be sure, I absolutely mentioned how I remembered her having it), but I have a couple more, so I will see that she gets one.  I will also find her letters/drawings and a couple other things for her.  

So, starting Monday, I will get a taste of the future.  S is leaving for 12 days for her senior trip.  She is not a fan of all the people on the trip, but she really wants to go to Italy and Greece.  My sister and I talked her into overlooking how much she dislikes her former schoolmates and look only at how awesome the trip itself will be.  She probably should have transferred to the Asia trip, since she loved the teacher that was chaperoning that trip.  But she wasn't quite ready for the destination.  Anyway, she'll have a great time, and I will be all by myself.  It will be weird, but when she goes off to school, I will have some experience.  

Aside from that, the pine tree came down and they ground the stump out.  Once the tree came down, S kept telling me I should also take care of the maple that had seeded itself there.  I was going to, but fortunately, the electric company came by and took care of it with two swipes of their chainsaw.   I'm currently watering the grass seed, and it's coming in pretty well.  I can't decide if I want to put in a sort of wild butterfly garden or if I want to put in a new tree.  S's friend's dad (who cuts down trees, apparently) suggested an arbor vitae, but...no.  We have enough.  I would like a dogwood, but I don't know if I want the mess of the petals.  So maybe just a bunch of plants that will reseed themselves?  I don't know.  Or maybe I'll just leave it with grass.  I almost fell off the ladder the other day.  I was cleaning the gutters in the back, and overbalanced.  Fortunately, I caught myself.  I need to get the other ladder out there to get up higher, and cut back some of the cherry tree.  Ugh.

One of the cases I worked ended up on 20/20 the week before last.  I wasn't mentioned, but my work was!  Everyone agreed that they could have condensed the story significantly, but it's still kind of cool to see.  I had lunch with one of the newer kids from work, and she reports that management is still confused about why morale didn't immediately improve once I left and stopped bringing everyone down.  The big boss also retired - every now and then, I consider dusting off the resume and putting in for the job.  Those fuckers would lose their minds.  Then I remember that I don't want a job.

Anyway, now I need a nap.  Missing you - thanks for the musical cues.  

Love,

A

Now what?

 Dear John,

S and I visited your grave today, to place some of the flowers we had around the house.  Between Mother's Day and graduation, we had multiple bouquets.  So we took them and placed them on about 10 graves in your row.  You got the pink carnations that decorated the tables from the graduation party.  It made a nice arrangement, in S's preferred shade. 

The graduation party was a success, in spite of all the fighting beforehand.  When S has an idea of what she wants, and reality doesn't live up to it, she gets very upset.  It ruins her whole experience.  Even though she was frustrated with me for not being able to implement her vision, she finally figured out that what I did provide was the funding, and people who could help her figure it out.  And with last minute trips to Ikea and Walmart, we got it done.  My friends showed up for me and for her.  My family showed up for us.  She had a great time, and it worked out well.

We were expecting your family, and they showed up in spite of a water emergency at your mom's house.  Your brother and SIL came on time, because the charity for which your SIL volunteers gave S a scholarship.  (I was quite irritated with S about it.  Your SIL sent a text encouraging her to apply - because their criteria is very specific, they don't have a lot of applicants - and S totally blew through the deadline.  It got extended, and S wrote a nice essay.)  

Your sisters and your mom showed up very late - almost everyone had already left.  Something happened at your mom's house to flood the basement.  I'm not sure what exactly happened, though they initially thought it was backed up sewers.  I don't think it was.  But the husbands were left behind to deal with it, while your sisters and the kids came along.  It was nice to see them.  Your next oldest sister came down from Michigan, so S went to see them all again on Monday.  She had a nice conversation with her closest-in-age cousin.  I'm glad she got to do that.

You, of course, would have been horrified.  We had my 3 sisters and their spouses, one of my nieces, my friend, and 4 dogs in the house.  We had probably 40-50 people come through the party.  It was fun, but exhausting.

S really enjoyed her graduation too.  She was salutatorian, and her speech was wonderful.  We were discussing the valedictorian - the girl who got S in trouble in 1st or 2nd grade.  First, S said that her mom, who teaches at the high school, did all the girl's homework, and that's why she was valedictorian.   Next, the girl chose to speak first, instead of the typical ending speech for valedictorian because "she was too nervous to wait that long to speak."  Then, as we listened to her speech, both S and I recognized that a good portion of it was ChatGPT.  S asked for a ChatGPT speech, got that drivel, laughed, and then wrote a good speech.  My BIL also brought his camera to take pictures of everything, and she was happy with those pictures too.  All in all, it was a very good day.

Now that it's over...I don't have much going on.  I guess I should figure out a volunteer opportunity, but I don't feel like it yet.  I could get a job.  I don't think I want that.  I kind of just want to hunker down, and stay home for a good long time.  Maybe I'll get bored.  

The front pine tree is gone.  They came to cut it down on Tuesday.  I was so sad to see it go.  Now I can see the neighbors.  I don't care for that.  I'm not sure what I will put in its place.  I also got some of the other trees trimmed, so that's good.  

Finally, the place behind us sold.  Turns out that one of my friends knows who bought it.  I hope they will be good neighbors.  With any luck, they too will plant a bunch of trees.  Good luck to them with the renovations.  

We miss you on all of these days.  I wish we could have bought the house - it would have been a great project for you.  I wish you could have seen your daughter graduate.  I was telling my friend about something you did when we moved down here, and even though she knew you then, she was surprised to learn that you were far more social and friendly before you went to Afghanistan.  Well.

Love,

A

Incoming

 Dear John,

Well, your daughter is about to graduate from high school.  You've missed all the triumphs and the drama.  The friends, the crushes, the dating, the dances, the driver's license, her work experiences...I know it would have all looked very different under your watch.  But she's still a very well-rounded young woman.  She's got two jobs.  She handles the public well.  She takes good care of her friends, even though they are frequently irritating to her.  She's traveled some.  She's ready for the future.

She's also driving me nuts.  Since you're not here to put a damper on it, we're having an open house after graduation.  She is just like you in that when I tell her that I am not skilled at something and do not wish to do it, she thinks I should do it anyway.  So, the plans for the open house are a major source of contention.  It started with the food - I said I would make pulled pork.  It's easy, versatile, and can stay warm all day.  You can make sandwiches or tacos.  Anyway, she vetoed that.  So now we'll be getting some sandwiches.  We also have to rent tables and chairs, get decorations and tablecloths, make balloon arches, get photo posters and banners and streamers.  It's a nightmare and she's mad that I refuse to be more involved.  The thing is, I told her from the start that I can't help.  I referred her to my oldest sister and my friend for help, and she just wants me to do it all.  It will all work out, but we may kill each other before the party.

I had a garage sale in an effort to clean out the garage for the party.  It worked out pretty well, as I sold the old refrigerator and washer, more of your clothes, including the coat you had made in Afghanistan, and many tools.  I also ended up donating all of your (and your dad's) giant collection of fasteners and other parts to the vocational program at S's school.  They were happy to have the stuff, and I thought it was a great idea to help out a trades program. They did not want all your old corded tools.  I got rid of the drywall drivers (don't even know where those came from), but held on to the router.  And the bench grinder.  And a corded circular saw.  For what, I don't know.  

Meanwhile, one of the pine trees has died.  The biggest one.  The one that blocks us from street view.  I have a couple estimates to take it down.  My lawn guy will do it for a competitive price, but I'd rather have someone who's solely a tree service.  I'm sad that it's going to be gone.  S said that since you and your 'friend' did the last tree removal for free, it averages out to much cheaper.  Girl math or dollar cost averaging?  She's definitely your daughter.

It's a rough month coming up.  5 years ago, we were doing silver deals at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.   Things have definitely changed.  

State of the world

Dear John,

It's been a while.  We're coming up on the 3rd anniversary of your death.  It is so conflicting for me to say that I am sort of glad you're not around to witness the current administration and the absolute bullshit they're pulling right now.  That's especially true given the fact that messing around with Tesla stock was a contributing factor to the other things that pushed you over the edge.  I am fully convinced that you would have tried to go after someone if you were still here, and I would not have been able to stop you.

Fortunately, I feel pretty well prepared thanks to your tutelage.  I have a supply of food.  I replaced appliances that needed replacing before everything got going.  We're trying (not well - your daughter is expensive!) to minimize spending but I'm doing my best to stick to essentials only.  I took an inventory of the silver but I wish we had more gold.  Then again, I forget about all the scrap jewelry that's floating around here.

OK, well, enough of that - on to some brighter topics.  We're still keeping the tradition of travel on the anniversary.  This year, it's just a quick weekend trip to NYC, because S really wants to go.  I do too, since I've never been.  Should be fun.  Will definitely be exhausting.

Speaking of S, it's all drama, all the time around here.  She broke up with her boyfriend before Christmas - he was being shady.  They're sort of back together, but it seems to be just for convenience on her part.  Half of her friend group seems to have turned on her.  She's very angry with them.  We'll see how that shakes out as they have a lot of plans coming up, including 2 trips.

In better news, she has received the Veteran's scholarship, so she can get her 4 years of undergrad for free tuition.  She's waiting for the fancy school responses before she officially accepts.  Yale, Northwestern, and a couple others should be coming soon.  But she'll probably take the scholarship.

She is still working 2 jobs.  She has a lot of travel planned - NYC, then Chicago (if she's still going with friends - I'll be going to watch my sister's dogs while she and her husband are in Iceland), then, after graduation, she'll be off on her senior trip to Italy and Greece.  When she gets back from that, she's supposed to go to Miami with her friends (that's a whole other story) but I don't know if that will still be on.  I was looking at a week at Hale Koa in Honolulu before she went off to school but the timeline was too tight.  Maybe I will go on my own.

Your youngest sister's daughter was playing volleyball at a school near us, so she invited S to go and watch.  I went too - your mom was there.  It was nice to see them.  Your mom was trying to get your sister to go get ice cream afterward - it's funny to watch your sister totally ignore hints like the ones your mom was dropping. 

Remember that essentials only spending?  Well, I almost bought Norman's 3 acres.  I guess his wife died last year and his kids moved him out pretty quickly after.  The property went up for auction with your favorite auction house.  As usual, they continue to obscure information about the property.  That guy is a dick.  Anyway, I was prepared to pay a lot for the land and house until I went to the open house.  The floors are massively uneven.  It looked like the ceilings were asbestos.  The porch was separating from the house.  The drain from the upstairs bathroom was fully visible in one of the rooms.  It's got city water but a septic system.  And you know all the barking for which you were always calling the police?  His wife bred collies.  They had 3 dog runs in the back and 8 kennels in the (dark, depressing) basement.  It would have been a very expensive reno.  I am sort of waiting for that dick to contact me.  I bid $175K.  Before the open house, it sat at $104K.  After, the bid went up in $2000 increments from one bidder to just under my max.  After listening to you during all your years on eBay, it looked like someone was trying to find my limit to push the price up.  I wasn't sure if they would keep going - I was pretty anxious that I would actually have to buy the place.  But, fortunately, they ended at $1000 over my max.  So, if this was a shill bidder trying to inflate the price, I would imagine they'll contact me to say the bidder backed out.  Well, I might be willing to pay $104K for the property.  I think I could redo the place with a $70K budget.  But I'm relieved that it won't be my responsibility.  We'll see who shows up to work on the place.

Half of the basement dog kennels. Don't know how to rotate the image.

Meanwhile, since Deportation Don is destroying society as we know it, I am mildly concerned that my lawn service might be gone.  I am pretty sure the guy is at least a legal permanent resident - his business seems to be properly registered.  But since no one really speaks English, I have to wonder.  It hasn't really been great for grass growth yet, so I will wait until things get growing before I text the guy.  I have to put out the crabgrass preventer fertilizer once more today.  I think the pine trees need some iron too.  I probably also need iron, so that's an easy way to get some.

Yesterday, I was out doing yard work.  First, our most hated neighbor was out.  You would enjoy the schadenfreude of how fat she has become.  As a strictly appearance-based person, it must pain her to look in the mirror.  That melts some of the icicles in my cold, dead heart. 😈  I bought some peonies to put on the spite berm.  I hope they make it!  I planted some tulips last fall - they're starting to come up. I also got some bleeding heart for the thoroughly shaded "vegetable garden" that now just has hostas, a burning bush, a bunch of columbine, and some other plant that might be primrose between the trees.  I keep planting stuff to try and overtake the weeds.  I also managed to pull out one of the dead creeping junipers that was on the one retaining wall.  It was a struggle, but I got it done.  Your daughter, the previous evening, told me I needed to start going to the gym so I don't get old and feeble.  I assured her that I am getting some exercise, between the calisthenics, housework, and yardwork, not to mention the odd session of aerobics and the daily dog walking.  She was, nevertheless, horrified to see me all sweaty and red-faced, trying to pull that stupid bush out.  I managed it though.  I planted a common lilac in its place, which will provide lovely scents and additional screening from the neighbors.  All my previous lilacs have been in the wrong place, and you're not here to stop me from putting it where I want!  I may put more in front of the deck. They'll be the compact version, though.  However, I need to kill off the prairie grass and get the deck and patio redone, so that's a future project.

I have more stories for you but I guess I will save them for later.  Missing you as always, but also relieved you don't have to try to deal with Season 2 of this horrifying reality/horror show.

Love, 

A

Adult?

 Dear John,

Who knew that 18 years ago today was our last day as a family of 2?  I can't believe our baby is about to be 18.  You were so stressed during the whole pregnancy.  I think the only part you enjoyed was naming her.  I wanted one name, but you had grander plans.  You didn't mind my name choice - it was the name of an aunt that you particularly liked.  (The reason you liked her so well is a little sad.  It was because she actually paid attention to you and what you liked.  I don't think that was something you experienced much in your family.)  Also, you liked the play of letters and numbers, and her middle name shares 3 letters with your middle name as well as your dad's first name, and it shares 4 letters of my dad's first name as well as the first letter of his last name.  But you picked a word out of the Bible to use as a first name.  Neither of us has ever been particularly religious, but you spent a lot of time worrying about and yelling at God.  And then there was the time you let the Mormons into the house and had a long discussion with them.  After they left, I told you what the more unusual components of their religion involved, and you were kind of horrified.  I was amused.  Anyway, back to the name, I warned you that people would not know how to pronounce it, nor would they be able to spell it.  But she loves it, because it's unique and because you gave it to her.  

I'm very upset right now that you're not here to see how well she's grown up.  She's bright and beautiful and engaging with life.  She works hard.  You would not approve of my lax attitude about her access to the car and the amount of time she spends at home (almost none).  But she seems to be doing OK.  She will likely have her pick of colleges - she's been accepted to 8 or 10 already with no effort.  Now she wants to apply to Yale and a few more that I can't afford.  We'll see if she can muster up any scholarships.  She got the highest PSAT score at her school, but did not make it to National Merit Scholar - only Commended.  She did well on the SAT with no prep, but not Ivy League scholarship well.  She's taking the ACT at the end of the month, and is taking a prep class, so I hope that will boost her into scholarship level.  We're still looking at the Veteran's scholarship for the state university.  It's a great school and she wouldn't be upset if she ended up there.  But I want her to realize all her dreams.  

That's not to say she's perfect.  She's got your family genes after all and while she can be empathetic...she's pretty judgmental.  I told my coworkers that it's written in her DNA - she doesn't have ATCG; she has JUDGE.  She also gets pretty irritable...can't imagine where she got that from.  She's impatient.  (Another mystery)  She's overly involved in her appearance as far as her clothing goes.  I KNOW where she got that from - your family.  But overall, I think she's going to be a wonderful person.

She's thinking of going into medicine.  I'm not sure she has the staying power or the stomach for it.  But if she makes it through, I think she would be fantastic.  She has the right combination of caring and distance that would make for a good approach.  She has good customer service skills, which would give her a good bedside manner.  But she's looking into anesthesiology, which speaks to her desire to make people stop annoying her.  

I looked at the pictures from just after she was born.  I want to post the one of you, her, and your dad, taken just after she was born, where you look absolutely terrified.  But I know you wouldn't approve.  I wish you could see how she's turned out thus far.  You'd be so proud.

Love,

A

The Bear

 Dear John,

So, it seems there was a black bear wandering through your mom's neighborhood!  She still refers to the previous Chief of Police as the owner of a particular house, though I think a few people have been through there since he left.  Anyway, it was in his yard.  She sent some pictures in the group chat.  I sent a text, telling her that I hoped she wasn't gardening today, but your brother (or his wife) sent your niece over to tell her in person.  I don't think your mom believed her.  

When I picked up our mail after our vacation, I was very surprised to find multiple checks in the mail.  The Army has finally processed my request for your pension.  As the Army does, they caught me up from the date of your death (which is kinda funny, since, at the time, I was not eligible to collect both the DIC and your pension.  But they changed the rules in 2023, so that was a nice surprise.)  Though they insisted that a direct deposit form be part of the packet I submitted, I continue to get paper checks.  One of my friends (who does Army HR) said they do that to make sure the right person is getting the checks before they move to the automated system.  

I was going to go on a big political rant, but I will suffice it to say that I feel a lot better with the energy that that Harris/Walz ticket is bringing.  I know you did not like Harris, but you also didn't vote.  So, too bad.  Plus, you definitely did not respond well to women in positions of authority.  Also too bad.

Now, on to the bad news.  I put my engagement ring on to wear for S's senior pictures.  When I came home, the diamond was gone.  I'm very upset about this, but then again, you kind of ruined the moment when you proposed to yourself with it anyway.  I took it to Roger's and Holland's for the insurance estimate, so I'm waiting for that to come through.  I don't know if I'll replace it, replace it with a lab created diamond, get something entirely different, or use some of the gemstones that you bought on a whim and make a different memorial ring.  It's not like I wore my engagement ring much after S was born - it stuck out too far, and I was afraid to scratch her.  Then my fingers got too fat.  Then you had it resized, but we never went anywhere, so I still didn't wear it.  Of course, the one time I pull it out...

S is getting her wisdom teeth out this month.  The dogs are also getting dental services.  It's a good thing I got all that Army money, because it's going to be an expensive month.  S's senior pictures turned out pretty gorgeous.  I'm still waiting for the go-ahead to post them.  As usual, she doesn't like most of them, but I think they're all great.  Well, maybe there are a couple that aren't the best.  But her not-the-best is still pretty great.

She was at work tonight, and they ended up with 50 or so extra hot dogs.  We were trying to find a homeless shelter to give them to, but there's only one near here, and it's in a really bad location.  I called two different cop shops to try and get them to take them to the shelter, but they're too busy doing nothing.  (The state police said they only had 5 guys on tonight for 6 counties.  Guess it's time to go speeding!)  Oh well, I gave it my best shot.  The other closest shelters are not in too great of areas either, and they don't answer their phones.  It's hard to give stuff away sometimes.  I guess I could have hit up the lady who's always chasing down the unhoused people to take photos of them to post on FB and invite them to her church.  Maybe next time...or maybe we should find out where the bear went, and leave them out for him!  I think he went east today. 

Love,

A